Welcome to The Daily Show!
I'm Michael Kosta.
And I'm Ronny Chieng.
That's right.
Tonight, you're getting two hosts for the price of one.
Wait.
Wait, are they cutting our paychecks in half?
No, they're just not paying you.
All right, so let's just get right into the headlines.
[cheering, applause]
Let's kick things off with some sad news that might
tug at your heartstrings.
President Donald Trump might be going to jail.
[cheering, applause]
We all react to grief differently.
But-- but yes, prosecutors in one of Trump's 400 court cases
might have found a surprise witness,
one of his own lawyers.
REPORTER: Some breaking news right now--
Donald Trump's former lawyer just pleaded guilty.
Sidney Powell is who we're talking about-- now entering
into a plea agreement in the Georgia
election subversion case.
REPORTER: This is a deal that comes
just one day before her trial was due to start.
And as part of this plea deal, she
has agreed that she will testify in any future trials,
which raises the possibility that she could
testify against Trump in the future, which
obviously is a huge deal.
That's right.
Sidney Powell might be flipping on the Don.
And if you don't remember Sidney Powell,
she was Trump's craziest lawyer, which is amazing,
considering that Trump's other lawyers included
this guy and this guy.
Being Trump's craziest lawyer is
like being the most divorced dad at an Embassy Suites.
Embassy Suites not an embassy and definitely not sweet.
Now, under this plea deal, Powell will avoid prison time.
But she will have to pay a $9,000 fine
and write an apology letter to the citizens of Georgia.
I mean, just a letter?
This woman actively tried to steal an election.
The least she could do is apologize door
to door like a sex offender.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Sidney Powell.
I molested democracy.
Good point, Ronny.
Yeah, at the very least, she should
write an apology to Mike Pence for almost getting him hanged.
I mean, obviously, he won't read it,
because he considers receiving mail
from a woman to be a form of sex, but it's good etiquette.
I mean, Kosta, I got to say, you know,
Sidney Powell sounds like a pretty great lawyer,
to be honest.
I mean, man, she got treason down to an apology letter.
Like, that's amazing negotiation.
Is she still practicing?
Because I might want to hire her.
What?
No, why would you hire a criminal lawyer?
You have legal problems?
No, nothing major.
Just some minor drug trafficking.
Drugs?
Drug trafficking? Like fentanyl?
Oh, no, like, anything you want, man.
I can hook you up. Yeah.
All right, let's move on to some breaking news
from the world of AI.
Every day, people are using AI for groundbreaking things
like cheating on their homework or drawing the Mona
Lisa with giant boobs.
But now, researchers are using it to unlock
ancient human mysteries.
REPORTER: Artificial intelligence, or AI,
is allowing researchers at the University of Kentucky
to read an ancient scroll burned by Mount Vesuvius.
Now, the scrolls are too fragile to unfurl,
but UK's Dr. Brent Seales and his team of researchers
have developed technology to try
and read what's on the scrolls without opening them.
One word that's already been deciphered is "purple."
But a more recent discovery has given
scientists more to translate.
Wow.
[laughter]
"Purple."
I mean, I was hoping for ancient wisdom
or, like, how to summon a demon.
But yeah, mixing red and blue is cool, too, I guess.
Although if we can't read the scroll ourselves,
how do we know if the AI is right?
What, we're just going to trust it?
Because ChatGPT told me three days ago that Gandhi invented
the Cinnamon Challenge, so--
anyway, it's also a waste of time,
because I already know what's going to be on that
scroll, OK?
It's going to be someone writing,
"Hey, sure hope that volcano doesn't kill everyone in town.
Purple."
MICHAEL KOSTA: Yeah.
I mean-- do we want to know what
ancient people have to say?
We always think it's going to be something profound,
but it's always just, it's human.
It's going to be something racist, don't you think?
[laughter]
I mean, think about how racist your grandpa was,
60 years old.
Can you imagine if he was just 2,000 years older?
Yeah, I don't want to read someone's 2,000-old tweets.
And I agree.
Also, like, what are we looking for in there?
What kind of wisdom?
How smart can these people be?
Like, they put their most important
documents next to a volcano.
That's true.
And they say it's too delicate to unravel.
Well, how do you know?
Have you tried to unravel it?
Yeah, good point.
Yeah.
Just pick the least important-looking
one and open it. - Open the scroll.
- Open the scroll. - Open the scroll!
Open the scroll!
BOTH: (CHANTING) Open the scroll!
Open the scroll!
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Open the scroll!
Open the scroll!
Let's move on.
Open the-- open-- let's move on to America's new--
[laughter]
Let's move on to America's new national pastime,
book banning.
States around the country are trying
to ban any books that expose their children to diversity.
But now, one prominent children's
book publisher is standing up and saying, hey,
we can help you with that.
REPORTER: Changes are coming to school book fairs
after several states passed laws limiting discussions
of race and gender in schools.
Scholastic announced its fairs will now
have a separate section for books covering
race, gender, and sexuality.
REPORTER: The new Diverse Books category includes 64 titles,
such as biographies of Malala and LeBron James,
as well as books about same-sex families.
Schools can opt to exclude all these books from their sales.
Hold on.
Yeah, so now, bigots can just check a box,
and now, all the books will be removed?
Come on, guys.
If you're going to be racist and sexist,
you can't also be lazy, you know?
You got to put the work in.
You go through the books and find all the race
and gender stuff yourself!
Look.
And who knows?
Maybe if you actually take the time to read these books
that you think are so terrible, actually absorb them,
you might just find out that all kids' books are terrible,
you know?
I love you, Ronny, man.
Yeah.
Um-- for more on this story, let's go live
to an elementary school not far from here with our senior book
fair expert Troy Iwata!
[cheering, applause]
Troy!
It's a real scandal, keeping kids from reading
these classic books.
No.
No, I think they should be kept from kids.
Have you actually read some of these books?
They get really graphic.
I mean, James crawls right up inside that peach.
Like, like, right up in there.
Troy, come on.
Even if some of these books are a little mature,
kids should be able to buy them if they're curious.
No, the last thing we need is a bunch of bicurious kids.
That is no way to treat our children-- well,
your children.
I don't have them.
Kids are disgusting.
OK, look, Troy, we all think kids are disgusting, OK?
You're not special.
But do you really believe these books
are going to warp kids' minds?
Actually, if I can get personal for a second,
I am a living example of how damaging these books can be.
When I was in school, I read a Japanese manga book,
and look at me now.
I am half-Japanese.
[laughter]
Wait, the book turned you half-Japanese?
Yeah, and why only half?
[laughter]
Well, I didn't--
I didn't finish it.
[laughter]
But--
[cheering, applause]
As you can see, the damage was done.
That's how influential books are.
Uh, OK.
So I guess the solution is to separate the books.
No.
Actually, separating them has been a disaster.
Have you ever told a child that they can't have something?
It becomes the only thing they want.
These kids have stormed the forbidden section
like it was a Nickelodeon version of January 6.
[laughter]
They beat CoComelon with a flagpole.
There was even--
[laughter]
There was poop on Nancy's desk, but that--
that was because a first-grader had an accident.
They must have read that book, Everyone Poops.
OK, well, Troy, I'm still reading
that, so no spoilers, please.
Look, man, if banning books doesn't work, then
how can schools protect kids?
Well, I think the only answer is a compromise.
Stop banning books, but also stop
teaching kids how to read.
Oh.
OK, that works for me.
Troy Iwata, everybody.