WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE THE SAME FEELING.
I HAVE THE SAME FEELING.
IT'S THE END OF THE WEEK.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOOO!
WHAT A RELIEF.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THIS WHOLE RUSSIA HACKING
OUR LAST ELECTION THING.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, WE WERE WRONG TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT THEM HACKING THE NEXT ELECTION
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL
INTELLIGENCE, GOING INTO THE 2018 MIDTERMS, AMERICA'S
"DIGITAL INFRASTRUCTURE IS LITERALLY UNDER ATTACK," AND
"THE WARNING LIGHTS ARE BLINKING RED AGAIN."
YES, THEY'RE BLINKING RED AND WE-- IS THIS TRUE-- WE HAVE
ACQUIRED EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF THE BLINKING LIGHTS.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT-- IT'S GOOD, GOOD, YEAH.
GOD HELP US IF THE RUSSIANS EVER HACK OUR BLINKING LIGHT
TECHNOLOGY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD
CYBER-SECURITY NEWS BECAUSE THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE HAS
ARRESTED SOME OF THE HACKERS-- OH, YEAH.
YOU'RE EXCITE AND YOU HAD DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.
SPECIFICALLY, THEY ARRESTED THE HACKERS BEHIND THE MASSIVE
CHIPOTLE, ARBY'S, AND CHILI'S HACKS.
YEAH!
GOTCHA!
SORRY, HACKERS.
YOU MAY DESTROY OUR DEMOCRACY, BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET OUR ♪ BABY
BACK, BABY BACK, BABY BACK. ♪ ♪ BARBECUE SAUCE ♪
>> Stephen: THE MEN-- VERY NICE.
♪ SAUCE ♪
>> Stephen: THE MEN ARRESTED WERE PART OF "A HACKING GROUP
KNOWN AS FIN7."
FIN7?
AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THEY DIDN'T HACK LONG JOHN SILVER'S?
THEY COULD GET THE DATA FILE TO TELL YOU WHERE THE PIRATE BURIED
THE TREASURE.
( WHISPERING ) IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
PLACEMAT.
AND, NO SURPRISE, THE MEN ARE ALL UKRAINIAN NATIONALS.
AGAIN, WITH THE UKRAINE.
WHY ARE EASTERN EUROPEANS ALWAYS TRYING TO DESTROY US?
IS IT BECAUSE THEY'VE TASTED ARBY'S?
WE'RE SORRY!
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND BY HACKING INTO THE
RESTAURANTS' COMPUTER SYSTEMS, THESE UKRAINIANS OBTAINED OVER
15 MILLION CREDIT CARD RECORDS.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, PEOPLE PAY FOR ARBY'S WITH
CREDIT CARDS?
( LAUGHTER ) WHY WOULD YOU WANT A PAPER TRAIL
OF THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE CYBER CRIMINALS HAD
ACCESS TO SOMETHING FAR MORE PRECIOUS THAN CREDIT CARDS:
AMERICA'S FAST-CASUAL DINING SECRETS: THE GUAC RECIPES, THE
BEEF-STACKING BLUEPRINTS, THE SECRET TO HOW CHIPOTLE KEEPS
WINNING BACK CUSTOMERS WHEN THEIR MOST POPULAR TOPPING IS
FOOD-BORNE PATHOGEN.
( LAUGHTER ) "THE GUAC IS EXTRA, BUT THE
E. COLI IS FREE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ E. COLI
♪ E. COLI ♪ >> Stephen: IT IS DELICIOUS,
THOUGH, IT IS DELICIOUS.
AND THERE'S ANOTHER BREAKING FAST-FOOD STORY, THIS TIME FROM
CANADA.
A McDONALD'S ACCIDENTALLY SERVED A PREGNANT WOMAN CLEANING FLUID
INSTEAD OF THE LATTE SHE ORDERED."
EVEN WORSE?
THEY FORGOT THE WHIPPED CREAM.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER TAKING A SIP OF HER DRINK,
THE WOMAN CLAIMS THERE WAS AN IMMEDIATE "BURNING" SENSATION.
THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING.
SO HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
WELL, ONCE THE CUSTOMER ALERTED THE McDONALD'S STAFF TO THE
SITUATION, THEY DISCOVERED THAT THE MACHINE PUMPING OUT LATTES
WAS STILL ATTACHED TO THE CLEANING SOLUTION INSTEAD OF
MILK."
I AM SHOCKED TO LEARN THAT FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS CLEAN
THEIR MACHINES.
SERIOUSLY.
WHEN I ORDER ONION RINGS, I LIKE TO THINK I'M SHARING THE SAME
FRYER GREASE ENJOYED BY DWIGHT EISENHOWER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE WOMAN IS FINE, BUT THIS
COULD HAVE BEEN BAD.
SEEING AS HOW THE CLEANING AGENT SHE DRANK REPORTEDLY CONTAINS
CITRIC ACID, PHOSPHORIC ACID, METHY-TRIMETHYL-3, AND
2-BUTOXYETHANOL."
WHICH I BELIEVE ARE ALSO THE INGREDIENTS IN A McFLURRY.
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, METHY-TRIMETHYL-3 IS
MY LEAST FAVORITE OF ALL THE "METHY-TRIMETHYL" MOVIES.