I always thank my, my honorees
for being in a good sport afterwards.
'Cause it's not easy.
You know, have you ever been roasted?
I've never been roasted.
I get roasted every day.
Every day, yep.
When I had a writing staff I did feel,
because I would go in and they would just go to town
if I slipped up, or if I made any mistake
at all during a taping, I would hear about it,
and they delighted in it.
But I also delighted in going after them then.
So there was a lot of that, that I think to your point,
when you're done with something like that,
you almost felt like you've been to a spa,
because you get the bile, like the bile
literally comes out of your pores.
And I find it to be,
there's something really magical about it when it goes well,
when it goes really well.
And it's one of the things that,
why I brought up how the person reacts is so key,
because you're giving them a gift,
if they see it that way, which is-
I'll take it, go ahead.
Go ahead, if you can laugh at yourself,
if you can laugh during that, it's kind of joyous,
and when you're done.
I always say to the honoree, I said,
"If you're having fun, everyone's gonna have fun."
Right, right.
And to your point,
their laugh can also make the joke better.
My most famous joke when I was a young comedian
was at the roast of Jerry Stiller.
Friars Roast.
I've heard about this, is this Bea Arthur?
I wanna hear this, please say this, please say this.
So this is like 1999, or something.
I'm just starting to get a little bit of a reputation
around New York for doing the roast.
And I loved it because here I was doing shows
with Milton Berle and Buddy Hackett.
And you know, of course my hip friends
in the alt comedy scene were making fun of me,
but I was like, this is the ultimate alternative comedy.
Like I'm up here with these you know,
Mount Roastmore of comedy.
While you guys are out there, you know,
without a microphone in these like alt bars.
And I'm like, I'm gonna come up here
and get made fun of by Milton Berle.
And at this point now I'm like, you know,
a Comedy Central, I don't know what they would call it,
consultant, like I would help.
If Kevin James was gonna roast Jerry Stiller,
I was gonna write Kevin set, my set, Jerry's set.
Like I worked months, 24, 7.
You know, I did it all was like,
you know fresh baked daily jokes.
Here's the latest, and this is your speech,
and this is your speech.
And everybody would have input.
And, you know, I'd work with everybody
to make sure they owned it and felt it.
But I was all in on these shows,
and Bea Arthur was one of my idols.
I just loved her.
And the Friars Club would have the podium in the middle,
and then the dais would go 40 people, each side,
like an airplane wing, you know like,
and Freddie Roman would get up,
and would introduce everyone there for 20 minutes.
Everyone would take a bow.
And I did the same joke every year
when Freddie would introduce Donald Trump on the dais,
I would stand up and wave just as Donald
had his one moment of the night.
(all laughing)
I would always take his moment, and act like I was him,
and wave to them, it was like, you know, 2000 people.
He was a good sport even then.
Yeah sure, yeah.
And you know, Howard and Robin they'd be up in the balcony
and it was like a who's who of politics and boxers.
And all of it was always just,
I love that it was just
all these New York socialites and stuff.
And Bea Arthur shows up,
'cause she's friends with you know,
Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller.
So she's a guest and she's on the dais.
And of course I'm towards the end of the show.
And no one's, other than her little bow in the beginning,
no one's mentioned Bea Arthur.
And I'm like, that is disrespectful.
(all laughing)
I'll fix this.
I know what to do.
So I have my script, there's no teleprompters.
I have my script and I don't know what I was thinking,
or where it came from, but in my nervous scrawl,
just somewhere in my margin I wrote Bea Arthur's dick.
(all laughing)
And I sat there another 30 minutes.
That note just sold at Sotheby's for $600,000.
And one of my friends from the Friars Club,
one of the board members, Joe Zappala,
he was the ambassador to Spain.
You know, he's sitting next to me, an older guy,
and I show him, I just, I point on the paper to him,
next to me, it just says Bea Arthur.
And he looks like, no, no, no.
(all laughing)
Don't ruin this perfectly nice-
You were warned.
This perfectly nice evening, no, no, no, no, no.
Then I look at him like, man, you know,
I should have asked a comic, not an ambassador.
(all laughing)
And I finally wait my turn, and I'm next.
And Sandra Bernhard, who I love, is up there,
and she's doing a risque sort of lap dance thing to Jerry.
And you know, writhing around Jerry.
And, you know, he is very squeamish.
He was very embarrassed.
That was the joke,
is how he got uncomfortable. Couldn't handle it, yeah.
Yeah, and his son is there, and his daughter's there,
and his wife, Anne Meara is there, and the whole thing.
And is just delightful, and hilarious, and weird,
and totally Sandra, and then they introduced me.
And my opening joke was, I couldn't help myself,
Sandra Bernhard, holy shit.
I wouldn't fuck you with Bea Arthur's dick.
(all heartily laughing)
Wait till you're back.
Conan, to your earlier point, the joke's okay.
To me, the joke's okay.
But, it's like you say about Rickles,
it's the balls of it.
You know, but it's the brazenness part of it.
But it was her reaction that made my triple
into a grand slam.
She just slow burned me, and the camera held on her,
and she just evil eye.
She murdered me by just looking at me.
And that made everything okay.
Like she gave a classic Golden Girls, like slow burn take.
Perfect.
And she really made it perfect.
And, you know, a year goes by,
that year like time out in New York, jokes of the year,
it makes the end of the year thing, like moments.
And I'm like, oh my god I'm getting famous
off this Bea Arthur joke.
I wonder if she's hearing about it.
So now I'm like, oh my god, I hope she's not upset.
You know, I love Bea Arthur.
To think that I would embarrass her or hurt her in any way.
Like she was a good sport, but maybe on the inside,
is she getting asked about this in interviews?
'Cause the roasts were starting to take off
to become this like cultural thing.
And I see that she's performing her one-person show
in Los Angeles.
It's a fundraiser for an animal charity.
And I didn't have a lot of money back then,
and tickets were expensive, and I got one ticket.
I went by myself, and I brought flowers.
And somehow I weaseled my way backstage.
And she had a long line of well-wishers
who wanted to congratulate her.
And I waited to go last,
so that I could actually talk to her.
And I gave her the flowers, and I said, "Miss Arthur."
It's like a year later.
"I don't know if you remember me,
but we met at Jerry's roast."
And she said, "You nailed me, you prick."
(all laughing)
But good for you for going, good for you for going.
Oh, it was beautiful, and the best lay I ever had.
(all laughing)
No, the roast was-
Unlike a whore.
Roast in peace, roast in peace.
Roast in peace Bea Arthur.
I loved her.
She was so cool.