Greetings, globalists!
Heh. Gets a laugh from a predominantly Jewish
audience about forty percent of the time. I took a shot.
Or should I have opened with “shalom”? . . . What’s that mean, anyway? Shalom? . . . It can
mean “hello” or “good-bye”? So it’s like “aloha” or “your money’s on the table”?
. . . What about “shanda”? What’s that mean? Because Jews shout that at me
a lot when they see me on the street. Not these Jews. Other Jews. It’s weird. Anyway!
I’m very glad to be here to address this gathering of the Zionist Establishment Alliance Lobby and
Organizational Taskforce. It’s a tumultuous time in the world. It’s a dangerous and violent moment,
and choices we make now will echo for years to come. That being the case, it has never been more
important for the United States and the State of Israel to recommit to our mutual bonds of love,
friendship, and loyalty. We are united by our history, by our common interests,
by our dedication to democracy and by our hope for a prosperous and peaceful
future — and most of all, though we choose to express it differently in our own lives, we
are united by our abiding faith in the strength, wisdom, and infinite mercy of the one, true god.
[applause]
You all know that’s just what I say for the sake of the cameras, though, right? When it’s just us,
we talk a little different, don’t we? We realize, you and me, that this arrangement,
this partnership between groups like yours and the Republican Party — this partnership between
people like you, and people like me — it’s purely transactional. It’s not about love,
friendship, and loyalty. It’s about business — and the second it’s no longer profitable,
be that profit in terms of money, or power, I’m outta here and so are you.
Which is not to say everything I just rattled off there is untrue. Our two nations,
Israel and the United States, do have similar histories. Your people settled an
already occupied land and spent decades using military force to expand your territory and
impose your will on the existing population — gee, where’d you get the idea for that?
We share a dedication to democracy — meaning, we’re both dedicated to
democracy in the same way, which is to say we don’t actually care about democracy at all,
we just pretend to care about it to deflect from all the fascism.
We share a hope for a prosperous and peaceful future — for ourselves! And as
far as the “abiding faith in the one true god” bit — I guess that’s true at the group level,
right? Our main religion started out as an unauthorized sequel to yours. They’re still
kinda similar . . . -ish. If you’re a fanatic, there’s not much difference between Christianity
and Judaism, is there? “God said I get to be in charge and I’m allowed to kill anyone who fucks
with me” — that’s basically what it boils down to, whether you’re on Team Jesus or Team — whatever
you guys are. Team Moses? I’ve never read the book. But, that’s something else we have in common
when it comes to religion — we don’t really care, do we? We each have useful wackos on our side,
and we each know how to appeal to faith to manipulate the rubes, wacko and non-wacko alike.
Still, like I said, we have our differences. Historically,
people in the Republican Party haven’t really liked . . . you. Back in the day,
we used that — we leaned into anti-Jewish sentiment among our voters, we made you into
scapegoats, promoted fear and suspicion directed at you. Then, about eighty years ago something
happened — allegedly — no, I’m kidding . . . Something happened — “happened” — I’m
kidding — something . . . happened to make that sort of thing unfashionable.
So, we in the Republican Party pivoted. Instead of hating you, we started hating commies. And
commies were godless, which made us natural allies, since we’re both all about pretending
there’s a god. Here in the U.S. we started using the term “Judeo-Christian” to describe our culture
and our values. When the State of Israel was created, we became your
best friends. And I think it’s fair to say that friendship has been mutually beneficial.
Israel gets all the guns and ammo and bombs and fighter jets it wants — which is a lot,
by the way. We’ve sent so many fighter jets over the years to
your half-a-postage-stamp-sized country. Is that why you pulverized all those apartment
buildings and hospitals in Gaza — to make parking lots for your fucking fighter jets?
It’s a good reason.
And what have people like me gotten out of this relationship? So much. The campaign donations are
nice. And quite a few of my defense contractor buddies appreciate all the business you’ve
sent their way. Know what else is nice? The guilt! Not on my part — like most emotions and
desires other than bottomless, all-devouring greed, and empty, fleeting sexual release,
I do not personally experience guilt. But, other people do! Including your people! And,
goddamn, is invoking Israel good for stirring up that Jewish guilt.
“You’re not going to vote Republican this time? But, what about Israel? We need to
ensure the United States continues to stand behind Israel — as your Republican candidate,
I have vowed to support Israel no matter what! Any Jewish American who believes in Israel’s
right to exist should vote for me — and any Jewish American who doesn’t should be ashamed!”
That’s basically my spiel. Is that one of your words? “Spiel”? No? What is it? . . . Whoops!
Anyway, it works, especially for the older demographic. I tell ‘em, “Even if you don’t live
there, Jewish people need to have a place they can go — if they need to. They need a refuge, a safe
harbor — just in case.” What I don’t say is “Just in case people like me ever take over for good” —
because that would spoil the sales pitch. Besides . . . we’ll cross that river when we come to it.
Plus, centering every political discussion involving Jewish people on Israel allows me
to pretend that all Jewish people are hardcore militant Zionists like you,
and that Jewish people who are critical of Israel are either
illegitimate or don’t exist. And I love pretending Jewish people don’t exist.
Beyond the money and the guilt, there’s a list of things that are so much easier thanks to the
mere existence of the State of Israel — a list as long as one of those side curls
some of you all have — doesn’t look like any of you have them, but you know what I mean,
right? The — I was gonna say “pig tails,” but I guess you don’t call them that. The point is,
just having Israel there makes my job so much easier in so many ways.
For example, a huge segment of my base is nothing but rabid fundamentalist Christians.
They love Israel. Some of them aren’t too fond of Jews — but they love Israel! They
love it for two reasons. First, the ones who have the money like to take vacations there.
They organize these group trips where a bunch of blue haired old ladies from the
same church fly to Israel, take a tour of Jerusalem, imagine they’re walking where
Jesus walked — they have a great time. To them it’s like Disney World — with tanks.
Actually, give DeSantis a few more years and Disney World
will be Disney World with tanks. I’ve seen blueprints. They’re breathtaking.
The second reason the fundamentalist Christians love Israel is, they’ve convinced themselves that
Israel is gonna be super important for the end of the world — not the real end of the world, when
most of the planet becomes uninhabitable to humans due to all the shit we’ve been doing to make money
for the last two hundred years — the make-pretend end of the world, when Jesus comes back and sends
all the Muslims and gay people to Hell. Rumor has it you Jewfolk might be in trouble,
too. Apparently the big guy is still sore about everything that went down last time.
I’m told you may be given the opportunity to join Team Jesus before the very end,
but I’ve heard conflicting reports on that, and also keep in mind that I mostly don’t
pay attention to the details of the religious shit because I don’t care.
The point is, a bunch of the marks I need to vote for me are big on Israel.
Keeping them happy means keeping you happy. Keeping you happy means making sure the United
States continues to be your wingman as you clear out the Gaza Strip in preparation for
building new luxury seaside resorts, or fighter jet hangars, or whatever you’re gonna do with
it — again, I don’t care. Fortunately, that’s surprisingly easy — one of the few remaining
areas of agreement between Republicans like me and Democrats is that we’re both
a hundred percent behind the Israeli military mass-murdering Palestinian women and children.
That goes for the establishment Democrats, anyway. Some of the younger, more progressive ones are
throwing a fit, protesting — which, hey, that’s good for me, too, because a) a bunch of those
dipshits are threatening to not vote for Democrats in the election coming up over the Gaza thing,
and who does that help — this guy right here — and b) I can use them to say the whole Democrat
Party is like that — a bunch of anti-genocide radicals! I don’t say “anti-genocide” though,
obviously — whenever anyone says anything to criticize or question Israeli government policy
or military action, I borrow a move from your repertoire and call it antisemitic.
That usually works! It even works a lot of the time on actual antisemites, which sounds
ridiculous, but here’s the thing: at heart, a lot of people, especially among my voters, are cruel,
bloodthirsty bastards. They want to endorse a genocide, they just need a reason that they can
put across as respectable. And “denying Israel its right to defend itself would
be antisemitic” sounds a lot better than “we hate Muslims more than we hate Jews.”
So, bottom line, real talk — this relationship is about business, and as long as you continue
delivering for me, I’ll continue delivering for you. Keep providing me with money and leverage
I can use to get votes, and I’ll make sure Israel has all the bombs and tank shells it
needs to make as many dead Palestinians as it wants. As far as things here in the U.S. go,
when people like me finally take over — and, like, really take over, for keeps — and we don’t
need you anymore, don’t worry — we’ll give you a head start, just to make it sporting.
Until then, let us be friends, let us be partners, let us continue to
undermine democracy here and in Israel, let us continue to make the world safe for ethnic
cleansing — and most importantly, let’s have fun out there, huh? Yeah! All right!
[applause]
Enjoy it while it lasts! Shalom, motherfucker—!