[APPLAUSE]
DESUS: Woo!
Hey-- staff, what up?
Yerr!
Happy Monday, y'all.
God damn.
They should do, like, a ten-- like, a 30-second
clip of us going around--
LA!
I think I need to stretch before I do that shit.
Yeah, we gotta start warming-up and shit.
We be mad.
I think this is the most physical
activity we have all week.
Facts.
This shit is crazy.
I've been having to do, like, the ice
bath afterwards and shit.
I been soaking with ice.
Put Tiger Balm on my back.
Damn. Starter game.
I did the Icy Hot patch.
Which one?
Both?
Oh, word?
Oh, oh-- you trying to ride-- oh,
you want to see my identity?
I did not commit any crimes over the weekend.
The hairline shaming.
That's right.
[VOCALIZING]
JULIA: You're very autumnal today--
[MUMBLING] What happened?
I know, right?
I look like a pumpkin spice latte.
You know what I'm saying?
Go to a bodega and ask for that.
Is that not a slur--
autumnal?
I could throw hot water in your face.
You sure?
If I come in your house, I'll be, look
at the little autumnal baby.
See?
Yo.
Yo!
All I'm saying about the--
Audience?
OK, how many people have--
how many people have listened-- how many people here have
listened to the Kanye album?
[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]
OK.
How many of y'all get mad when people start yelling
about Jesus on the train?
[APPLAUSE]
Gotta be fair.
Like, yo.
They're both equally annoying, just one is more sonically
pleasing than the other one.
Nah.
If you didn't grow up in a wild religious household
and spend, like, eight hours on Saturday at a church,
I don't wanna hear no review about this shit.
[LAUGHTER]
I like the--
I like the one about Jesus.
The production?
They were saying that he was asking people
not to have premarital sex before they
collaborated on the album.
I'm like, too late, motherfucker.
Can't be a feature on your shit.
Been smashing cheeks.
Yeah, that's how I got-- this one,
there's four examples of it walking around out here.
I think Kanye's just like-- doesn't give a shit anymore.
And he's just like, yo, watch this.
But I mean, all older black men, you know, become
religious towards the end.
That's going to happen to me.
You know that megachurch coming.
Come on.
I'm the only pastor with a hoop earring.
Y'all gonna love that shit.
Bring the collection plate around, be like,
three hops this time.
Three bucks this time.
Bum-bum-bum--
Yeah, a lot of outfits that just come--
like, the shirt and the pants match,
and they come folded at Sears.
That kind of stuff.
A lot of cookout outfits.
A lot of linen.
There's, like, a string tying the pants
and the shirt together.
Like, yo, this is a set.
- Hard bottoms. - Gators.
It'd be hard bottoms.
Lot of gators, but because I'm from the Bronx,
they're going to be, like, gator Air Force Ones.
Like a classy way of letting me know
I'm still stealing from you. - See?
Crocodile Jordan's that aren't real Jordans.
Oh, shit.
You see this?
You know how DJ Khaled is always talking
about suffering for success?
We gotta take down his chains.
Wow.
The generational love--
See?
Y'all don't know about these rich problems, yo.
Yo, we having audio issues.
The chains is too heavy.
That's like me this morning.
I was like, oh, what sneaker I'm going to wear on the side?
That's crazy.
Definitely my Air Force Ones.
Still wear them.
Shout out to her?
Yeah.
She's in there, though.
She's good.
She's, like, set.
He ain't going nowhere.
He still don't eat it, though, right?
He said that. He said that.
Listen. It's Monday.
Y'all wanna be mad at me?
I mean, come on, y'all--
Don't shoot the messenger.
He said that shit.
Is that why his last album wasn't number one?
He's like, yo, when I eat choche I
will eat choche for the world.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't mysteriously eat the choche,
you know what I'm saying?
You might hear me.
You might think, motherfuckers eating choche and shit.
Because he's rich!
What the fuck you mean?
That might have something to do with it.
There's a lot of commas, why she's still sticking around.
He's also very positive.
He seems like he'll just big you up anytime you do anything.
Yo, you made an omelet.
Yo, you taking the number one dump.
I love you.
Yo, that's an amazing omelet.
Thank you for going to BJs.
We ran out of Gogurt.
Exercise favorite.
The woman should praise the man, you know, the king.
You know, if you holding it down for your woman,
I feel like the woman should praise.
And the man should praise the queen.
But, you know, my way of praising is called--
This is making me nervous right now.
Because I'm like, yo, if my wife heard this, I'd be like-- yo,
the TV would just be, like, on my head, like, around my neck.
Like one of them pet collars when they can't
lick their wounds and shit.
How was dinner?
You like the house you living in?
You like all them clothes you're getting?
I'm taking care of your family.
I'm taking care of my family.
You know, putting in the work--
This is when I get real mad at my mother-in-law and shit.
I just wanna say shit like this, and I'm just like,
yo, G, chill, chill, chill.
So you're saying you don't go down?
Nah, never.
He's saying, nah, never.
Right?
He said that shit with--
like, gah!
Never!
Like, yo, what are you trying to say, bro?
What's going on down there?
That could also-- just watch "American Pie."
Didn't they have a book about this shit in "America Pie?"
It was like, yo, do the tornado tongue
or some stupid shit like that.
Fuck, bro.
Eating pussy is not that hard.
He's worked with Busta Rhymes before.
Come on.
Just go down there and be like--
[IMITATING BUSTA RHYMES]
JULIA: You just yell into it?
She'll be like, yo, you the best!
[LAUGHTER]
Another one!
Another one-- Another one!
Babies just flying out and shit.
Ace Hood holding the baby, like, yo--
Ace Hood's gonna find me one day, boy.
He's gonna be like, you the motherfucker
keeping me out there. - You don't go down?
Come on. You don't eat the box?
Come on, Khaled.
I cannot do that.
Nah.
I thought that's what "Hold You Down" was about.
I don't.
You know what I'm saying?
Never in life?
Or did you try it and didn't like the taste?
Nah, I don't do that.
I don't do that.
I don't--
Look at Charlemagne thinking about all his life
decisions and shit.
Yeah, he's like--
He's like, wow.
He's like, I ate ass last Tuesday.
Nah. Listen--
Christmas?
She get-- she get-- she get--
I put in that work.
My work is great.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I do my thing.
ANGELA YEE: So now, if she told you she don't do that,
is that OK?
Um, nah, it's not OK, because--
[LAUGHTER]
Wow, Khaled--
Khaled.
Little dumber standing there, huh, Khaled?
Because-- you know what I'm saying?
ANGELA YEE: I'm confused.
Because I need that toppy, like--
Yo, I'm rich.
That's what you not understanding.
I'm the don. I'm the king.
You know what I'm saying? - And she's the queen.
Everybody's the king of their house.
Huh? - She's the queen.
Of course.
So?
I don't do that.
[LAUGHTER]
Why he sound like the guy at the bodega if you're like,
do you take Apple Pay?
He's like, nah.
I don't do that.
No, no.
Hell no.
He's scared of some choche.
Wow.
We gotta what?
Teach him how to eat choche, like--
from the back?
Sideways?
Like, how?
We'll get John Legend to make another song about it.
You know what I'm saying?
It'll be lit.
"Pink Galaxy."
[LAUGHTER]
"Pink Starburst."
No.
"Lick Me Where I Taste Like Pennies."
Yeah.
Let's start the show.
Yeah.
"Lick the Fluff."
[MUSIC PLAYING]