- The following video is based on a true story.
- Shut Up!
- It was summertime, so I was hanging out with Anthony and Brian, our Mormon friend.
We were 15, and we had nothing to do. You know, summer.
We didn't have much money, and so we had these water balloons, and so we were like, well,
let's just go to the school and play this little game where, like, one person tried to get to the other side of the,
you know, school without getting hit by water balloons.
Me and our Mormon friend Brian were up on the-- on the roof of the school throwing water balloons down at Anthony, and
all of a sudden, we hear this this guy screaming at us.
I look over, and there's some gigantic lard-ass with his wife and two kids coming home from the public pool. This
humongous whale of a person starts screaming at me to get down from the roof of the school,
so I got down from the roof, and I look around, and
our Mormon friend Brian is nowhere to be seen.
Yeah, he total-- he pulled the total bitch move and just ran away. Now,
let me clarify something about the Mormons that I grew up around.
There's two different kinds of Mormons: the good Mormon kids and the bad Mormon kids. The good Mormon kids,
you know, they do all the stuff that Mormons that are supposed to do, you know? They don't watch rated-R movies. They don't do drugs.
They don't have sex until they're married, blah blah blah blah, you know, that kind of stuff. Then there's the bad Mormon kids.
These kids, they do every possible drug they can get their hands on, and they're boning
everything that walks the Earth.
That might be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point. Anyway, uh, Brian was one of the good Mormon kids.
So I assumed he didn't want to get in trouble for my-- what might possibly be illegal. Anyway,
this-- this colossal beast is-- is just screaming hysterically at us,
and he pushes Anthony and I into a wall, and he's like...
"You f@#king kids are vandalizing school property. I'm gonna call the cops." And I was like, "We aren't really
vandalizing anything. We're just kind of running around the school." And I guess at some point in this guy
screaming like an enraged
animal of some sort, uh, I
guess Anthony decided he had enough of this, and he tries to leave, and this is when things get
really crazy. Uh, this-- this-- you know, this gargantuan Goliath fat guy
grabs Anthony and puts him in a choke hold, and--
and remember, this guy's wife and two kids are watching this whole thing, and--
and, you know, Anthony starts freaking out, and-- and the guy's wife is like, "Phil, stop it!"
Yeah, I don't really remember the guy's name.
I just kind of felt like Phil was an appropriate name for a fat ass douchebag.
You know, no--
no offense to anybody named Phil who isn't fat or a douchebag.
So anyway, his wife was like, "Phil stop it!" And he's like, "Back off, Cheryl. I'll snap his neck!"
Anthony's scared because some guy is about to kill him.
I'm scared because I'm probably gonna be the next to die, and our Mormon friend Brian
was probably scared because he might get grounded and not be able to read the book of Mormon before bed, something like that.
I don't know. So luckily, he didn't snap Anthony's neck just yet, uh...
He looks at me, and-- and-- and he's like, "You guys were in big trouble.
What's your name?" And usually in these cases when you're-- when you're put in these sort of situations, you give them, like, a fake name, like
Brad Pitt or Milo Ventimiglia. Uh, what's his-- how does the last name go? It's like...
Milo...
I don't know. Anyway, so, of course,
I was scared sh--less, so I gave him my full real name.
Yeah, I know, really smart, and then he looks down at Anthony who he's, you know, still strangling.
And he's like, "Okay. What's your name?" And
Anthony mutters...
"Bob."
(snickering)
He says his name is Bob. Of all the possible first names,
Bob is the one that he comes up with. I-- I really have no idea. And then he asks, "What's your last name?" And
this is the thing that I thought was going to get us for sure killed, because Anthony said his last name was Jones.
That means his name is Bob Jones.
Bob Jones is just about the most generic
possible name anybody could come up with. I was like, "All right. That's it. We're dead. We are definitely dead now." And
he says...
"Okay, Bob Jones."
He actually believed it.
"Where do you live?" And so, you know, Anthony gives him some equally crappy fake address.
It was probably something like...
And then-- and then so he lets him go, and he's like, "If I ever see you guys
here again, there will be hell to pay,"
like he's some sort of
comic book villain. So Anthony and I are walking back to the house, you know, just glad we're not dead, and
guess who's at the front of our house. Oh, that's right. It's our Mormon friend Brian, just chilling
there like nothing happened, and, you know, normally I would have punted his
stupid head right off of his body, but I was just happy to be alive,
and I forgave him for being such an insufferable pussy. Plus he offered to buy us milkshakes afterwards, so that was pretty cool.
So I guess the moral of the story is if you're gonna harass a couple of innocent teenagers,
make sure they don't find out where you live because they might just TP your house...
a lot. (loud thud)
Hey, go to smosh.com to see what else that fat ass yelled at us about.
- Well, I'm fat because I have a thyroid problem, you dick!