Now, presidential candidates make a lot of promises,
but one thing they always emphasize is what they'll do
in their first 100 days in office.
Which is weird, because in any other job
those would be the least productive days, you know?
You're just, uh, getting your bearings,
waiting for an e-mail address. How do you dial an outside line,
how does this work, how does this work?
Yeah, but when you're getting ready to be president,
the stakes are a little higher.
So people actually want to hear your plan.
Wondered if you could tell us what will be
your first 100 days plan in foreign policy?
Pursuing our continued efforts
to reduce nuclear weapons with Russia.
In my first 100 days in office,
I will order the formulation
of a national cyber security strategy.
In the first 100 days of my administration,
I will close Guantanamo,
reject the Military Commissions Act
and adhere to the Geneva conventions.
Oh, man, those videos make me so happy, you know?
See Bill Clinton and Mitt Romney
when he thought he was gonna be president,
and... and Obama-- look at this guy.
Looking so young and cute,
talking about closing Guantanamo.
It's like one of his New Year's revolu... resolutions
that he never keeps, you know?
I'm telling you, this year I'm gonna close Gitmo.
Uh, and I'm gonna finish season two of
I'm gonna do it this time. I promise you.
That's the point-- these are grand promises.
It's not just their to-do list, it's their vision for America.
And this weekend Donald Trump traveled to Gettysburg,
a city known for its presidential addresses.
But instead of focusing on his plans for the country,
it seems he has other plans
for his early days in office.
Every woman lied
when they came forward to hurt my campaign.
-Total fabrication... -(crowd applauding)
The events never happened.
Never.
All of these liars will be sued
-after the election is over. -(crowd cheering, applauding)
Yeah! (whoops)
You're gonna sue the women who accused you of sexual assault?
What are you gonna sue them for?
Making you seem slightly more of a scumbag
than we already thought you were?
These liars, who painted me as a man who assaults women,
which I am not,
unless Billy Bush wants me to be.
Yeah, talk about not being able to say no, am I right, folks?
Am I right? Is it any surprise
that a personal lawsuit is part of Trump's plan?
Because a lot of people have said that he has no experience
in the executive branch, and they-they're right.
But I will give him this-- he has a ton of experience
with the judicial branch.
A group of lawyers at the American Bar Association
ordered a report on Donald Trump's lawsuits.
That report tracks Donald Trump's history
of filing lawsuits and calls the Republican presidential nominee
a "libel bully."
That's according to
But that report won't be published,
because the association says
it fears it would be sued by Trump.
That's right. That's right.
Take a second to absorb this. Take a second to absorb this.
A group of lawyers won't publish a report
on how Trump often sues
because they are afraid he might sue them.
You do realize I cannot make a joke about that,
because that would be the joke that I would make.
I would end the joke by saying,
"that's like lawyers being afraid of somebody suing
This is why I can't wait for this election to end.
Donald Trump lives the jokes we're trying to create.
Yeah, but clearly... but clearly, the lawyers think
Donald Trump is a libel bully, and-and I honestly
don't know what could have given them that impression.
I'll probably sue Rosie.
-Let's start with Bill Maher. -I'll sue him.
When she uses the word "fraud,"
that's pretty strong, so we're gonna be suing her.
(reporter reading quote)
He's threatening to sue the Club for Growth.
We've also heard him talk about how
he's going to sue
Univision, I'm gonna have to sue Univision now.
I'm gonna have to sue them now, folks.
I don't have another choice. I mean,
I could walk away, but I don't have another choice.
Damn, Trump sues so many people
he's probably got platinum medallion status
at the courthouse, you know?
There's probably, like, a special lounge he can wait in.
He gets "group A" walk into the court first.
He gets nice little hot towels, but he never uses them,
because they'll wipe off his tan. He just...
he just uses... uses them like that.
How did Donald Trump get this way?
I bet when he was a child he'd fall down and be like,
"Ow! I got a boo-boo!
Boo-boo, due to the negligence of this sidewalk."
And his mom would be like, "It's okay, Donnie,
we're gonna sue them." And he's, like, "Yeah."
At least the one upside is that if he becomes president,
there's a possibility Donald Trump won't be waging wars
all over the world. Yeah, he'll be waging warsuits.
You know? That's what he'll be doing.
I bet he'll be droning people with subpoenas
all over the globe.
You'll be watching the BBC: "Today, in Syria,
"an entire hospital was accidentally sued,
including several babies."
People in Syria are like, "Everyone, get down,
it's a cease and desist!"
I will say, though, uh, with all the American TV ads
that encourage lawsuits, it's no surprise that Donald Trump
is litigious, especially considering
that some of those ads that you see on TV
are made just for him.
Are you a presidential candidate for the Republican party?
Is this is your name Donald J. Trump?
Are people saying unkind things about you?
Then the law firm of Klepper & Sons is ready to fight for you.
We represent all types of clients,
from Donald Trump to that's it.
We get results defending against baseless charges
such as facts, logic,
very "not nice" reporting,
maliciously true information,
tapes of things you said,
vicious lies you will expose but not right now,
and women attacking your hands with their vaginas.
So call us today at 1-800-JUST-4-TRUMP.
No habla español,
because you're Donald Trump.
Klepper and Sons.
I don't have any sons yet,
but me and the wife, we're trying.
(laughter)