I've got someone on the case
to find me a man.
It's my dad.
My father loves to scour
LinkedIn
and find South Asian men
for me.
He calls me every Sunday.
He's like, "Shivani, Shivani,
"I found this great chap
"for you, okay?
"His name is Babakumon
"He is in the biotech, too.
"Maybe you can connect
"with him
"and the connections will
“happen and you will connect."
And I was like,
stop saying connect.
He's like, "Oh, no, you know
"you know you and the book
"of the faces, the Instagram.
"Something will develop.
"Something will happen.
"It will develop."
And I was like, yeah, appa.
In this country,
what will develop
is a restraining order.
That's what's going to happen.
During COVID, I got real
worried about my dad.
My mom passed away
a few years ago
and so he's all by himself
in Auburn, Alabama.
But
he made a really good friend,
and his name is Dan.
And Dan is a tall, white,
ex-Air Force, military guy.
[Audience Laughing]
And my dad
is a small, brown,
oompa loompa,
that was an ex-goat breeder.
So how did these two
come together?
Well, here's the thing.
It's a Hindu tradition
that after someone passes,
you do a ceremony
30 days afterwards.
And a priest comes down
and does it in your home.
And the priest sent my
father a list of items
to get together.
And I don't know
if you guys know
much about Auburn, Alabama
but it's not really the hotspot
for Hindu ritual items.
And one of the items on his list
was 13 banana leaves.
And so my dad walked
around the neighborhood,
and he found a house
with a banana tree.
And so he walked up
to the door and he knocked
and he was like,
"Excuse me, can I have
"13 banana leaves?"
This dude walks out. He's like,
"Sure, you can have as many
"as you like.
"Why are you needing
“banana leaves?"
And my dad just says,
"My wife died."
Period.
[Audience Laughing]
Like as if he was going to wrap
the murdered body
in banana leaves.
But that's my dad's
best friend, Dan.
[Audience Laughing]
And at the height of COVID,
he called me up
and he was like,
"Shivani,
"guess what?
"Me and Dan, we went to
"Columbus, Georgia."
Auburn, Alabama is
35 minutes away from
Columbus, Georgia.
And I was like, dad,
why did you go to
Columbus, Georgia?
And he was like, "Okay, I lied.
"I told Dan,
“we don't have a Macy's.
"Columbus has a Macy's.
"I want to do a little
"shopping, so let's go,
"so we went.
[Audience Laughing]
"But I'm not
"really trying to buy anything.
"So then we parked the car
"in the mall, I put
"the bloody mask on and I'm
"pretending to shop
“in the Macy's.
"Shivani,
“do you know why I picked
"the Columbus, Georgia?
"Do you know why?"
I was like, no, dad.
I don't know why.
And he was like,
"Have you heard
"of the Ruby Tuesday?
"Do you know about the
"Ruby Tuesday?
“Have you heard about the
”Ruby Tuesday?"
And for filming purposes,
Ruby Tuesday is an
American restaurant
franchise.
That, as if your grandparents
forgot what seasoning was,
cooked a bunch of food,
froze it and shipped it
to Ruby Tuesday.
[Audience Laughing]
It's not fine dining, people.
He goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
"that's a Ruby Tuesday.
"So here's the thing.
"All of the Ruby Tuesdays
"they're going out of business.
"They're going bankrupt.
"They're all closing down.
"And the nearest open
“Ruby Tuesday to me
“is in Columbus, Georgia,
"and I had a $35 gift card.
[Audience Laughing]
"So I thought I'd better use
"this bloody gift card
"before this place closes down.
[Audience Laughing]
"So now I am in the Macy's.
"I'm pretending to shop
"and then Dan walks by,
"and I'm like, 'Hey, man.
'I don't know about you,
'but I'm a little hungry.
[Audience Laughing]
'I know a fantastic place
'we can get lunch.'
"And so we went to the
"Ruby Tuesday."
[Audience Laughing]
That's a theme with
my parents, y'all.
They came from a war-torn
country, Sri Lanka.
And so when they came to
North America,
they had to be a bit scrappy.
They had all these life hacks,
and I didn't know they
were life hacks.
I thought everyone's soap had
“Holiday Inn Express” on it.
[Audience Laughing]
I thought Howard Johnson
was a brand.
[Audience Laughing]
My mom even had a hierarchy
when it came to the
hotel soap.
She was like, "Don't use
"that Crowne Plaza soap.
[Audience Laughing]
"We're saving that.
"We have people coming
"next week.”
[Audience Laughing]
My parents, they never
bought Tupperware.
Never bought Tupperware.
You open up our fridge,
there's yogurt containers,
there's margarine containers.
You know why you can't
believe it's not butter?
It's because it's goat curry.
[Audience Laughing]
That's what's in that container.
[Audience Laughing]
That’s what’s in there.
[Audience Laughing]
My dad's favorite thing to do
is to go to Taco Bell.
He'll be like, "Let me get
"2 soft tacos,
"50 fire sauces.
[Audience Laughing]
“Put them in the bag.
[Audience Laughing]
I actually grew up in Canada.
What?
That's what you thought when
you saw this melanin.
[Audience Laughing]
And the craziest thing
with Canadians
is they make immigrant stuff
sound so cool.
Immigrant life sounds so cool.
I came home and I was like,
mom, Lauren and them are
going camping.
Can I go camping?
And she was like, "Let me
"get this straight.
"You're going to go out
"in the wilderness.
"No electricity, no plumbing.
"Why did I even leave
"Sri Lanka?"
[Audience Laughing]
Came home another day
and I was like,
Amanda and them
are going to the apple orchard
to pick apples.
Can I go?
And my dad was like,
"Okay, you're going to
"drive somewhere, pay twice
"the cost of the apples,
"and you have to pick them
“yourself?
[Audience Laughing]
"Here's the thing, okay?
"Next week, Publix is having
"a sale on red delicious
"apples, $0.49 a pound.
[Audience Laughing]
"I'll let you pick the apple."
[Audience Laughing]
I mean, they tried because you
have these immigrant parents,
we're in a Western country.
And so they really tried to
blend holidays.
My dad's mind was blown
about Halloween.
When he found out about it
he was like, Mahis give
these kids some pillowcases.
The white people are handing
out free things again.
[Audience Laughing]
But some holidays, they didn't
get quite right.
When my mom told me,
"Shivani, Shivani,
"Tily's Easter Bunny,
“it comes on time.
“Your Easter Bunny comes
"four days later.
[Audience Laughing]
"It's 75% off."
[Audience Laughing]
"Eat that chocolate bunny.
"It's going to expire
"pretty soon."
[Audience Laughing]
When I was 7, I so badly
wanted a Christmas tree,
and my parents had
me wrapping gifts and putting
them in the oven,
and my mom would be
like, "Santa Cruz left you
"some presents in the oven."
[Audience Laughing]
And finally, they bought
a fake Christmas tree.
Yes.
I'm 36 years old.
They're still using the same
fake Christmas tree,
[Audience Laughing]
and it's decorated
with 75% ornaments.
And if you know anything
about a 75% off ornament,
it makes no sense.
We have a nativity scene.
We have a Dreidel.
We're Hindu by the way.
[Audience Laughing]
My mother's favorite
ornament
is of a black child praying.
And it says
"first daughter of 1994."
[Audience Laughing]
I was their first daughter
of 1986.
[Audience Laughing]
We don't have any
black kids in the family.
[Audience Laughing]
It's crazy.
One of the things that
my mom always
prided herself on
was asking for things, because
she came from a country
where you bartered.
And luckily, in Canada we had
a large Tamil community
and so we had Tamil
grocery stores.
And my mom loved to go to
the back and bargain with
the guy that sold fish.
She'd be like, "how much per
"pound for this fish?"
And the guy would give a price.
And she'd say,
"how much per pound
"for the fish without
“the head?"
And the guy would give a price.
And she would say, "how much
"per pound for just the head?"
And I was like, are we
even eating fish now?
What's happening?
[Audience Laughing]
And she would take so much
pride that she got a really
good deal.
You know where that concept
doesn't work?
Ashley Home Furniture.
[Audience Laughing]
My mom rolled up there.
She was like,
"Let me get the mirror,
"not the dresser.
"Let me get the headboard,
"and not with the rails."
[Audience Laughing]
She did not come home
with that mirror.
[Audience Laughing]
Once, they were getting
new iPhones,
and I happened to be in town.
And so they
showed up at this AT&T place.
My dad had a stack
of documents like he was
crossing the border.
He's like, "Two iPhones, please.
[Audience Laughing]
And this college student
went to the back
to go get the iPhones.
And he came out,
and my mom
sashayed up to him.
And she was like, "Last time
"when we got the iPhones,
"there was a promotion.
"You gave me a free candle.
"Where's my free candle?"
And the college student’s like,
"I don't have a
"free candle for you."
She's like, "Come on, man,
"the iPhones are really
"expensive.
"You should give me
“something for free."
[Audience Laughing]
And so the college student
was like, "Well, I can give you
"a free, mean air guitar."
And my amá was like, "yeah,
"give me one of those."
[Audience Laughing]
And so I looked at her
and I was like,
do you know what that is?
And she's like, "No,
"but he said, it's free."
[Audience Laughing]
So the college student
stretched it out
and he was like,
“Na, na, na, na, na,
“yeah!”
[Audience Laughing]
And my amá looked at him
and she said,
“I don't want that.”
[Audience Laughing]
Like as if she had a receipt
to return this thing.
[Audience Laughing]