[male voice from video] It's really not about cleaning,
because we're gonna rip this place apart in two days anyway.
It's about team building. By having some common objectives
I can start to pull the team together.
[cell phone rings]
[clears throat] Chad Pussy. What do you want?
[Chad] Ant Girl! I saw that Primm tournament meltdown on Auto Attack.
How'd you like to play for a team that has their [bleep] together?
- [bleep] you Pussy. - Ah, now hear me out.
- I've got an offer we need to discuss. - [bleep] you Pussy.
[Chad] It's worth your time. I promise. What matters is that we discuss, in person.
[glass shattering]
- [Chad] Chad Pussy! - [cell phone hangs up]
[male voice on video] That's your future broken!
[ theme ♪ ]
[bleep] Waluigi! Eat my ass, you unscrupulous knave!
- [Alt Trash] Any chance I can play next? - It's only a three-player game.
- It's a four-player game. - We don't have enough controllers.
[gameplay sound]
We do, you just unplugged mine.
[Becca] Hey guys, um, I'm gonna be gone all day.
I'm doing a panel at Gamerchella in Long Beach.
Awesome. It's so important that women's voices in gaming--
- [bleep, bleep] - OK, well, um...
I'll see you guys, sometime.
[door closes]
- Woooo! - [foreign language]
Hey, was she acting a little weird?
You think she's still mad about that casino tournament
I wasn't allowed to attend even though I said I'd pay my own way?
Wait a minute, it's February 14th, Valentine's Day.
You think it's some kind of girl problem?
[DaveFu] [bleep] I should probably check up on Greg.
[ soft ♪ ]
[door opens]
Oh. [chuckles] It's...
First Valentine's Day alone since we split up, so
just taking a look at some pictures.
I think it's time to move on. You need a new woman to finger.
But I don't even know how to date.
I mean, what's the new hip singles bar these days, Chili's?
Alright, I mean not Chili's. I was going to say like Bennigan's?
- No man, just do it online. - Online?
- The world has passed me by. - Let me take a look at something.
Wait, wait.
♪
[DaveFu] And there we go.
I linked your Facebook profile to this dating site.
Ooh, I don't like my stuff linked to things.
God, you're old. Let's just fill out your profile.
- What kind of music do you like? - Big band.
- Ragtime. - Uh, Blues Traveler all the way.
Okay, great. Favorite celebrity. Mark Twain?
- John Popper from Blues Traveler. - Sure, yeah.
Okay, favorite movie. Talkies? You like talkies.
What about that silent film where the train is coming at the screen?
Fargo. No, uh, Blues Traveler's concert film, Thinnest of Air.
Aaand...
- you're all set to catfish. - Sweet.
Okay, but I actually want to meet someone and build something together.
Right. I forgot the point of this.
[music stops]
[Becca sighs]
[Chad] Huh. Ant Girl.
Welcome to Casa de Pussy.
[scoffs] That's a [bleep] disgusting way to describe your house.
Uh, does seeing it written in cursive change your mind?
[Becca] You're not just trying to sleep with me are you?
No way. I mean, don't get me wrong, you are attractive,
but I'm volcel:
Voluntarily celibate. No sex. No masturbation.
I bottle up all that built up testosterone, and it comes out of my gaming.
And occasionally in a real lagoon of a wet dream.
- [Becca] Gross. - Slide on in.
[Becca] Ugh.
Now, don't mind them.
They're just shooting a documentary for Auto Attack.
You're an impressive player, your team, not so much.
But I think you might be Toxic Shock material.
- You already have a full roster. - Doctor Octopus pokes too much,
and Piss Baby has bad map awareness. I'm cutting one of them,
and I want you in their place.
♪
Whoa. What a training room.
Hey idiots!
You all know Ant Girl.
She's here to replace the weakest of you.
- [together] Yes sir. - Shut the [bleep] up!
- [together] Ha-ha. Good one sir.
This way.
You're the best player in the league, that's not named Chad Pussy.
Join me and we're guaranteed a championship.
I mean besides...
you're never gonna win anything with that old [bleep] BlueBalls.
Look, I'll admit when we first met Greg, I was like who is this old piece of [bleep].
I mean, he doesn't know what the [bleep] he's doing,
he dresses like Dilbert,
and his handle is based off a band that even my dad thinks is lame.
He plays TOTS like my dead racist grandma.
But do you know what? He really started to figure it out,
and he has become the key to this team.
You're trying to rationalize your B-Squad, I get it...
But you can level up right now.
- Sign on the line. - For real?
Oh, I'm so for real. I'm five real.
But of course, you won't be captain. Small sacrifice for glory.
[snoring]
- [cell phone ding] - Greg!
You got a match on your dating profile.
What?
Justine. She's 47 and she's recently divorced, just like you.
Oh. Wow. I mean she's a little older, but still pretty cute. [chuckles]
Let's send her a dick pic.
Buy some mini bananas at the grocery store, then put it next to your dick for scale.
- We'll say it's a regular banana. - I think I'll just say,
- "Hi. I like your profile pic." - [keyboard tapping]
[DaveFu whispers] Boring.
[chime from laptop]
- Hmph. - [chime from laptop]
Ooh.
- W-Wait, she wants wants to go out tonight? - I mean, it's Valentine's Day,
and she doesn't want to be alone. Suggest Ruth's Chris to her,
the one in Beverly Hills. I bet she likes steak.
OK.
- Here it goes...
- [chime from laptop] - Oh my God. We're doing it!
- We're doing it! - Yeah!
Yeah! Thanks man!
- [lips smack] - Why did we just kiss?
I don't know.
♪
[moderator] I am thrilled to introduce our Women in Gaming panelists,
Greg Franks, lead programmer at Wombat games.
Roger Kowalick, level designer for Lara Croft: Relic Run.
And Tommy Chung, a marketing director at the Red Bull eSports Global Series.
Oh, and uh, we've got Becca Schaefer, AKA Ant Girl,
a top Tales of Titans player. She's here too.
Alright guys, let's get excited for women in gaming.
- [light applause] - [moderator] Woo!
Boy, lotta dongs up here for a women's panel.
[silence, light coughing]
Tough note to begin on there.
[Roger] Women comprise of 50 percent of the gaming audience,
and we can't eliminate them from this discussion.
- [Becca] Can I just say that-- - We all know and love women,
and we need to be listening to them about video games.
- C-Can I just add-- - And it's up to all of us to ensure that
female gamer's voices are not being suppressed.
[moderator] Wow, excellent point Roger.
We'll now take some questions from the audience.
Just step up to the mic right here. OK.
- Yes, you sir. - Becca,
I read online that you're a Star Wars fan.
Name one character not from The Force Awakens.
Whoa. OK.
Um... I don't know, [bleep] Nute Gunray?
Wow, that is a deep cut. I apologize for doubting you.
I was wondering if you'd ever lost a match, because you were perioding.
- Perioding? - You know, from your pagina.
OK.
Hey Ant Girl. Uh, big fan.
Um... I just want to say that I'm a male feminist, and I am embarrassed on behalf of all men
for the treatment that you've been forced to endure at this panel.
- Uh, thank you-- - My question is would you ever be open
to competing barefoot or at least with an open toed shoe?
I really want to see your toes.
[screaming]
[female voice in distance] Ant Girl! Ant Girl!
We watched your tournaments, and your Twitch streams.
- You rock! - Uh, thanks.
- Can we get a selfie? - Um... yeah of course, of course.
- [camera shutter] - [Becca] Cool.
People say that girls can't play games, but we do.
And you have your own team. That's awesome.
We know that you're gonna whoop Chad Pussy in the Sprint tourney.
I really, really appreciate you girls saying that.
So um... what would you think if I teamed up with him?
Are you [bleep] kidding me? [bleep] Chad Pussy! [bleep] him in the pussy!
Okay, where are your moms? [chuckles]
[ romantic ♪ ]
Thank you.
[Justine] And so, I ended up going to nursing school.
- Mm. - So how about you?
- Your profile said you work in HR. - Well, I-I did that for a while,
but uh, recently I got into eSports. I'm sure you don't know what that is.
Of course. Competitive video gaming. My son does it.
- Oh, really. What's your son's name? - Dave.
That is crazy. There's a guy on my team named... Dave.
One second. [clears throat]
- Oh, hey. - You set me up with your mom?
She's been real lonely since my dad left.
- How freaking old do you think I am? - Closer at least to her than me bro.
So, what? You're just gonna try to trick me into being your stepdad?
Ugh. I don't want you to marry her,
just maybe finger her. She needs this.
- [Greg] I... - ♪
[door knocking]
Hell yeah! Rocktopus? You're fired!
- Sorry sir. - Yeah, get the [bleep] outta here.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Hey-what? For real?
Five real.
♪
Hey, Cocktopus! Get your [bleep] back in here man.
Yes sir.
I don't need you Ant Girl!
Chad Pussy!
♪
[multiple voices] Surprise!
Guys, my name's misspelled.
- [bleep] - We just wanted you to know that
you're the most important member on this team.
- Aaand, all of our Valentine's. - Yeah.
Aww, you guys. That's super weird.
But also, it's kind of sweet.
Where's Greg? Oh, he's fingering my mom.
Oh. Those cookies?
Mmm. That was so wonderful.
I feel like we could build something together.
Don't be clingy dude.
[ theme ♪ ]