Do you want to know how to be assertive without being aggressive? There is a difference. That's
what we're going to be talking about in this video. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting
and communication and family relationships all over the world through the lens of self
government. So let's talk about assertiveness.
In this video, we're going to talk about the
difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness and I'm going to give you some skills that
you can use to be more assertive because yes, that is the answer. We're going toward assertiveness,
not aggressiveness and here's why. Lots of times on the side of a sporting event, you
hear somebody say, Come on, get aggressive, right. And so it seems like aggressive is
this good thing, that aggressive is something that helps us win something or conquer somebody
else and sometimes aggressive, or the term aggressive is used as a motivation or a feeling
of force more moving in a good direction. But actually, I think people are thinking
of assertive when they're saying aggressive in those terms because there is a difference
between being aggressive and being assertive. When a person is aggressive, it's usually
just an emotional reaction. So it's like a fight mentality and they're pushing against
somebody else in a power struggle manner. And maybe on a football field that makes a
little bit of sense, like push, right? Be aggressive, power struggle with the other
team. But truly, if you're going to be great at the sport, what you really want to be is
assertive. A person who is assertive takes the time to plan out exactly how they want
to perform their best. When an assertive person is preparing for action, they look at the
situation ahead of time, and they say, hmm, how can I achieve the best results or effects
that I want in this particular situation and they may draw on certain skills, or other
experiences to make a good plan for themselves. When a person is really deliberate or intentional,
and they're focused on being assertive, usually, they end up living a principle called self
government. Self government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given
situation, and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors, so that you can control them.
So what that means is that a person decides ahead of time, how do I want this to turn
out or how do I want to communicate with this person? And then they say, alright, what is
my plan? Or what skill am I going to use? Then they follow through. If for some reason,
they do not meet their expectations, or they get an effect that they hadn't planned on
and they know they need to adjust, then they do. They honestly assess, and they adjust.
That is what a self governed person does and it's powerful. In fact, the greatest leaders
in the world, the ones that have inspired generations and civilizations to want more
for themselves and to achieve greater freedom and all of the morals and values that we want
in our lives were usually people who had good self government. And isn't that what we want
is to have that type of freedom and bound up by some of those aggressive feelings that
we might be addicted to getting into. Before we get to the skills that you can use to be
more assertive, how are you leave me a comment below about some of the goals you have with
your assertiveness so that I can help you and answer some of your questions related
to some of the hang-ups you might be experiencing or some of the troubles in overcoming aggressiveness.
Leave me a comment below, I'd love to know where you're at. So let's talk about these
powerful skills that are so assertive. Some of these skills may surprise you. Did you
know that praising is a very assertive skill? It is. It's you deciding on purpose to be
grateful for another person, to notice the good and tell them what they did. That was
good, very assertive. And it also helps other people to act more assertively in the future.
So when you might not have thought of there. Also pre-teaching, when a person prepares
ahead of time, pre-teaches themselves or pre teaches other people that they might be in
charge of, that is also a very deliberate and assertive skill. They are saying, let's
plan the direction we're going. Let's make a vision maybe for the future or let's learn
these skills so that we know how to solve problems when we're together. That type of
pre-teaching set somebody up for success and that is powerful, assertive action. Usually
a person who is assertive is calm. You don't often see an angry person being assertive
because the whole point of assertiveness is that you have pre There's an element of security
and confidence there that just does not exist in aggressive or power struggle behavior.
So calmness is huge too. If you do not know how to keep yourself calm, then wait until
the end of this video because I have a special gift for you that will help with that problem
and that is a skill set for how to be calm. So being calm does require some practice for
some people, especially if they happen to be a little bit more impulsive. So that is
also a skill set that you can learn for success. I teach my children four basic skills. These
four basic skills take care of 99% of their behavioral problems because they have skill
sets attached to them. So there's multiple steps for each skill. These four basic skills
are very assertive, and they're not just for children. They are actually for everyone.
These skills are following instructions, accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences
and disagreeing appropriately. Remember, I said each of these skills has a set of steps
attached to that. Well, we are only going to talk about one of the skills right now
because I'll be giving lists and listen, you will probably all get thrown together in your
head. So let's just talk about disagreeing appropriately. When a person disagrees appropriately,
they look at the person or the situation, they keep a calm face, voice and body and
then they say that they understand the other person's point of view. They share their point
of view, they listen to what they have to say. They say okay, and drop the subject.
Yes, sometimes we even have to say, okay, even if we wish something turned out a different
way. We can't control other people and if somebody ultimately gives us a "no" answer,
we have to say okay about it. But if they give us a yes, all the better. The thing is
this skill leads to further understanding, it leads to diplomacy, it helps people get
things done. It's a super assertive skill and it's one of the hallmarks of a mature
person. I know you're thinking, there's probably some people out there that do not disagree
appropriately that you are aware of. And you're thinking does that mean they're not mature?
Well, don't take it personally, but kind of. If you don't know how to communicate effectively
with someone and really understand them and be understood at the same time, have you really
fully grown up past those power struggles? Maybe not. Another skill that is going to
be so useful for you working with yourself and with other people is the skill of correction.
So you need to know how to correct yourself and how to correct other people. Do it in
a way that is calm, where everyone can be understood, but also is going to move you
forward. in your journey. The steps to a good correction are you describe the situation,
and then you give a rationale or a reason why a change needs to be made, then you describe
what should happen in a situation or how to correct it, then you tell yourself, well,
this is the negative consequence of that or if you're working with a child, you're going
to tell them what negative consequence they have earned at that time and hopefully, you've
come up with some really good ones that develop character. If you need more help with that,
definitely look at more videos on this channel. Anyway, and then after that, you're going
to practice things the right way because you've got to go through things in your mind and
sometimes even physically the right way more times than the wrong way in order to create
a new habit. So that's right. That's how you correct yourself. You say, Oh, Nicholeen,
just a minute ago, you got stressed about whatever it was, this isn't a good thing because
it actually takes more of your time. You can't think as well when you get to the stressed
part of your brain. What you should do is just take some deep breaths and get yourself
back to the front brain so you can think through this so you can get out of the door quicker.
Okay, let's take those practice breaths. Let's get ourselves moving in that direction. And
if we go off course again, make sure this is what we're going to do, right? So that's
the type of thought process I would go through my mind. It's very planned. It's very deliberate.
It sets me up for success. I can even have deliberate plans like that, for if somebody
were to come and attack me and be aggressive toward me. I can plan how I want to communicate
with them and keep myself safe and understood all at the same time. These are assertive
skills for success. If you have enjoyed learning about assertiveness, I know that this final
skill that I'm going to share with you is going to be life changing. It is the skill
for how to be calm when somebody else isn't and how to help them get calm without losing
your calmness at the same time. I have a toolkit called the calm parenting toolkit, and I would
like to give it to you as a gift for free. If you click on the link in the description
below this video that says teach self gov.com/toolkit, then you will go to the calm parenting toolkit
and be able to have access to it for free. Click on the link now. I'll see you there.