Should I do no contact again or not?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
And be sure to stay through to the end because I'm also going to share with you some advice
on how to actually get a greater connection with your ex without having to do no contact.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life.
We help you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to
play mind games or hard to get and without having to pretend to be someone or something
that you're not, because I believe that you deserve to be loved for who you are.
Anyway, if you like what we're doing here, please give this video a thumbs up and if
you're new, consider subscribing to the channel.
All right, let's get into this.
So there's a common misconception in this whole world of breakup advice and saving your
relationship, and that misconception is that the no contact rule is really your only tool,
that whenever anything bad happens you should just retreat into no contact.
That if your ex and you have an argument, you should do no contact.
If you find out that your ex is dating someone else, you should do no contact.
If your ex won't respond to you, you should do no contact.
And on and on and on it goes.
And don't get me wrong, there is absolutely a time and place for no contact, but if no
contact is your only tool, it is going to seem like the only thing that you should ever
do in any circumstance.
And that is absolutely not the case.
Let's take this apart a little bit.
Okay, if we're being honest with ourselves now and we look at our relationship and maybe
why it ended up breaking up, I think a lot of people, maybe not necessarily you, but
maybe you as well, your relationship may have ended because you were not paying enough attention
to it or your partner.
And if that's the case, then do you think that not paying attention to your relationship
or your partner is going to fix the problem that not paying attention to your relationship
or your partner caused in the first place?
Probably not.
Okay, so also, as they say, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything starts to
look like a nail.
And that is true when no contact is your only tool.
So my stance on no contact, what you may have seen if you've seen some other videos, is
that you don't need to use no contact all the time.
The only time you should ever use no contact is if you being in contact with your ex is
actually causing the two of you to get further and further and further away from one another,
emotionally speaking.
That is to say if you being in contact with your ex is doing damage to the emotional connection
that means something's not working and we need to stop contacting our ex until we can
figure out what's not working and we have a reasonably confident belief that we can
get back in contact with our ex and it's going to be an enjoyable experience that brings
the two of us closer together.
So take an honest look at your interactions with your ex.
Are they bringing you closer together or further apart?
If they're bringing you closer together, then you don't need to use the no contact rule
again.
If they are bringing the two of you further apart, then I would probably suggest that
we take a look at what's happening.
Stop contacting your ex for a while, take a look at what's happening, do some things
like work through the advanced relational skills, video card up there if you need to
learn about those, that will help you to create a stronger emotional connection with your
ex and help you to not really have the same issues that you're getting in trouble with
right now.
Okay, so if you are in contact with your ex and if you are actually doing pretty good
at connecting with one another, you obviously want to keep doing what's working.
That means that you don't need to go into no contact.
Now ,there are a lot of reasons why you might consider doing no contact if you're going
to follow the knee jerk response that maybe you've seen on other channels or other places
on the internet.
You might consider doing no contact if maybe you had an argument with your exactly, or
if you disagreed on something, or if you found out that they're dating someone else, or all
these other sorts of things.
But you don't need to do that if interacting with one another is bringing the two of you
closer together.
In fact, sometimes doing no contact at the wrong time is going to actually do much more
damage than it's going to help.
Because sometimes, like for example, after an argument or after a misunderstanding of
some sort, your ex may simply just need to know that you hear them, that you understand
them, that you're listening to them and that you really understand and get why maybe they're
frustrated, why maybe they're angry, why maybe they're going through a hard time, why maybe
something is upsetting to them.
And if you just, again, turn away, cut contact, don't talk to them for a week, two weeks,
a month, whatever, that's going to send a message that when the going gets tough, I
give up.
Now, is that a strong relationship indicating message that "Hey, I'm relationship material"
or is it a message that says, "I am not relationship material.
I am toxic.
You should get away from me as soon as possible".
So if your ex is going through a difficult emotional time and, generally speaking, the
two of you are in contact and you're connecting and you're moving closer together, maybe you
just have a hiccup along the way, cutting contact could actually do more harm than good
because you could be sending the wrong message that I'm not relationship material.
And so what you want to do is you want to, in this particular circumstance, assuming
that you're out of damage control mode, assuming that generally speaking, your interactions
are bringing the two of you closer together but maybe this is a road bump, you want to
turn towards your ex and you want to let them know that you understand what they're going
through, that maybe you just got lost in your own issues for a moment.
You just got lost in your own anger, your own frustration, your own whatever you were
feeling in that moment and you lost touch with how your actions were impacting them
or how your words were impacting them.
And when you're able to do this, you can really show your ex and demonstrate to them that
when the going gets tough, you work things out, which is a much, much stronger relationship
indicator than when the going gets tough, I give up.
That's going to take you so much further than just retreating into no contact when things
get challenging, or hard, or difficult, or frustrating, or you don't know what to do.
You need a whole lot more tools in your arsenal than just no contact.
That is why developing your ability to connect emotionally, your ability to sense what's
happening on an emotional level is absolutely critical in restoring a strong connection
with your ex.
So I hope that this really makes that clear for you.
I know that the no contact rule can be a really confusing thing for a lot of people, especially
if you're listening to other people here on YouTube or elsewhere on the internet.
I don't encourage people to just follow one size fits all advice that's like, "Oh, things
aren't going well.
Do no contact.
Everybody needs to do a no contact no matter what."
I don't like that because it causes people to turn their brain off and to just stop paying
attention to what's actually happening, kind of like how if you were to stop paying attention
to the road when you're driving.
That would be incredibly scary and terrifying for anyone who's in the car with you.
You want to continue to pay attention to what's happening in your relationship, just like
you would hope that whoever's car you happen to be driving in that person is paying attention
to the road in front of them.
And that's why I like to help people and educate people on how to really feel into the moment
and know what the right thing to do is.
And it's not as easy as like, "Yeah, yeah.
Just do no contact no matter what".
You're going to actually have to think about things.
You're going to actually have to engage yourself emotionally and feel into the moment and know
what the right thing to do is.
Because obviously, you know your ex better than I do, you know your ex better than some
other person on the internet does so you need to be able to leverage that knowledge, that
understanding, that emotional history that the two of you have in order to figure out
what the right thing to do is.
And that's why I don't teach you the five no thinking just turn your brain off steps
in order to get back together with your ex.
I teach you how to feel into the interaction to know what the right thing to do is.
And that's going to take some work.
It's going to take some practice.
It's going to take some skill to build that up over time.
So if that's what you believe as well as I do is going to help take you to where you
want to go, then do me a favor, give this video a thumbs up and subscribe to this channel.
You may want to also check out this playlist I made on the no contact rule.
It's the complete ultimate guide to active no contact.
I put it together and I think it's...
I mean, I'm biased, but I think it's amazing.
Or you may want to check out this video over here.
Anyway, once again, this is Clay and I'll talk to you next time.
Take care.