- So you may have students
or you may have colleagues that say,
"Okay, this is all well and good.
"How can self-compassion be learned?"
And so the research is quite clear that
we can learn self-compassion in so many different ways.
If you own a dog,
if you don't have a dog now and you get a dog
chances are your score on self-compassion scale will go up.
Because we've actually found
that being compassionate toward others
increases self-compassion.
We've also found just like that,
that self-compassion creates compassion for others.
But if you wanna increase your self-compassion
find an opportunity to be compassionate to others
and the chances are, it will increase your self-compassion.
Owning a dog is another way,
but you can also learn self-compassion by,
and this is all in the research, practicing yoga,
especially if you do it in a respectful way.
Or walking in nature, nature bathing
will increase self-compassion.
Simply because you are taking yourself
on a walk in nature for a good purpose.
You are training yourself in self-compassion.
Psychotherapy.
Almost always when there are improvements in psychotherapy,
if a person takes a self-compassion scale,
you'll actually find that
along with improvements in therapy,
i.e. less anxiety, less depression,
there's increase in self-compassion.
And for this reason,
the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
is starting in March creating a 30-week-certificate program
in self-compassion and psychotherapy,
because it is a core healing factor
that can be taught in therapy,
which will manifest in multiple ways
to improve a person's life.
If we can just focus on self-compassion,
we find there's a lot of improvements in many other ways.
But no matter what you're doing in therapy,
when there is improvement, self-compassion goes up.
Also watching others be self-compassionate
will increase your self-compassion.
Just through modeling your self-compassion will go up.
So if you want your students
to become more self-compassionate
show them in your own relationship to yourself
how to be self-compassion.
Furthermore, mindfulness training increases self-compassion.
If you learn MBSR or MBCT, the research shows
almost very reliably self-compassion goes up
as your mindfulness goes up.
And then there are also compassion training programs.
There's mindful self-compassion training,
there's the compassion cultivation training,
cognitively-based compassion training,
mindfulness-based compassionate living,
all of these programs increase self-compassion.
So there are just so many ways to increase self-compassion,
but ultimately self-compassion is a motivation.
Like Sharon Salzberg says,
"Loving-kindness is not about good feelings.
"It's about goodwill."
Same thing about self-compassion.
You will definitely feel better in the long run,
but to get there, all we're cultivating is the intention.
And that intention can be cultivated
in so many different ways in our lives.
And then the last thing I'll say is,
there are actually three questions that
answer the question, how can I be more self-compassionate?
And the first is the one I mentioned earlier,
which is if you're in a fix, ask yourself,
"How would I treat a friend in the same situation?"
That's amazing.
You know, I once had a patient who was burning herself
with cigarettes,
but she's a very compassionate person.
I said, "What would you say to a friend
"who was burning herself with cigarettes?
"What would you say to her?"
And she said, "Oh, I would say to her,
"Oh, I'm so sorry that you feel like
"you have to do this to yourself.
"You are probably suffering more than you are able to say.
"How can I help you stop?"
This is literally what she said
that she would say to somebody else
as she was burning herself.
So we all have within ourselves a compassionate self
that when we can externalize ourselves
we can activate that self
and know how to be kind to ourselves.
So that's now question number one,
how would I treat a friend?
Question number two is, what do I need?
Okay. That's the quintessential self-compassion question.
What do I need?
And usually when we're in a bad state,
we cannot answer that question.
So then you say, what do I need to be safe?
Or what do I need to comfort myself?
What do I need to soothe myself?
What do I need to protect myself?
What do I need to provide for myself?
What do I need to motivate myself?
And do it.
That's self-compassion.
And the last question is,
how do I care for myself already?
If you're wondering, how can I be self-compassionate,
usually you'll ask this question because you're suffering.
And then if you ask yourself,
because usually when we're suffering
we're not particularly nice to ourselves.
We add insult to injury.
But if you can remember,
how do I care for myself?
Oh, I play with the dog, I drink a cup of tea,
I listen to music, I go dancing, I call a friend.
Ah, interesting.
So one thing to know is that
self-compassion is not just mental training.
A lot of self-compassion is behavioral practice.
Because let's face it,
we can only meditate for a few hours a day max,
usually 30 minutes.
What are we doing the rest of our lives?
Meditation is training for real life,
and we can actually practice self-compassion in real life,
behaviorally all the time.
And it will surely feed back into your meditation practice.