Lizzie: Lydia, turn it off!
Lydia: Sure, sis. As soon as you explain to all of our wonderful, awesome, sexy viewers
why you won't let me borrow your car.
Lizzie: Okay, first of all, they're not our viewers, they're my viewers.
Just because you talked at your phone for five minutes at Mary's doesn't mean you can steal my viewers.
Lydia: But they like me. I'm sure that they would want you to let me borrow your car, so I can go visit my very sick, very lonely friend.
Lizzie: At the mall?
Lydia, Mom took away your car privileges for a reason.
Lydia: Oh, come on. I promise I won't do that in there. There's no room, anyway.
[knock at door]
Mr. Collins: Hello, Ms. Bennet! And, um, Miss Young Bennet.
Am I interrupting something?
Lizzie: Interrupting? No. When have you ever done that?
Mr. Collins: Perfect! Well, I was hoping you would have a moment to discuss your process of vlogging.
I find it inherently unique.
Perhaps it's the complex narrative that you're telling. Lizzie: No!
Mr. Collins: Well, I just thought that-- Lizzie: No!!
Lydia: But you were going to let me borrow your car, right? Lizzie: No!!
No! No car! No vlogging! No any and everything that you could possibly have to ask me.
My name is Lizzie Bennet and I am storming out!
"Lydia vs Mr. Collins" Written by Rachel Kiley
Mr. Collins: So, you were going to show me how Lizzie vlogs?
Lydia: Sure, Ricky.
Mr. Collins: Mr. Collins, I'd prefer.
Lydia: And I'd prefer to be really famous and get tons of free stuff.
Deal.
So. You want to know how Lizzie vlogs?
Mr. Collins: I have assured you most earnestly that I do.
Lydia: Great. Then you just have to do everything that I say.
Everything.
Lydia: Good morning, dear. I assume you would like to discuss how pathetically single our daughters are.
Mr. Collins: Oh, Mrs. Bennet has always been so delightful towards me, yet Lizzie's vlogs paint her in such a manipulative light.
Is lamenting over having single daughters truly all your mother ever does?
Lydia: Rule number one about Lizzie's diaries? They're LIZZIE'S diaries.
She sees what she wants to see. Now, stay in character.
Mr. Collins: Yes, right. Of course. Um,
It's very tragic! Uh, perhaps we should...
...concoct a scheme to rectify this affliction of singledom.
Lydia: Ugh! No one talks like that!
Mr. Collins: I don't think I understand--
Lydia: Shut up!
Mr. Collins: But what are we--
Lydia: Don't talk to me, I hate you!
Mr. Collins: I thought we were performing in costume theater--
Lydia: Oh my god. You are literally the most infuriating human being on the planet.
And if you speak another word to me, I will slap you so hard that you will fall back in time to before it was cool to like things before they were cool.
Mr. Collins: I-- I'm not sure what I've done to upset you so vehemently,
but you are...very feisty.
Lydia: That was me being Lizzie, and you're Darcy.
Mr. Collins: Oh! Right. Yes of course, that's fantastic. Okay,
oh, let me try--
Lydia: Nope! Next!
You're so amazing.
I wish we could ride off together and leave this all behind.
We could get married underneath the twilight sky, and dance with the chipmunks and sparrows to celebrate our eternal love.
Bask in the morning light as the darkness fades.
Just you, and me, moving together, over and over and over.
Binging as one.
Mr. Collins: [incoherent noises]
I gotta go!
And that, my nerdy older sister,
is how you properly get rid of Mr. Collins. BOOM!
Okay. That was impressive, I'll admit.
Not the part about me making up stuff about Mom, or Darcy not acting like an infuriating dingbat,
but, uh...
Lydia deserves some credit for her amazing, if utterly disturbing, success at getting Ricky Collins to shut up and leave.
Lydia: So now do I get to borrow your car?
Lizzie: No.