- So we think of the acute grief response as a range of emotions, thoughts and
behaviors, physiologic changes, social and spiritual changes as well. Most people
have a sense of disbelief. The first reaction is often, oh no, it couldn't have
happened, are you sure? And that sense of disbelief comes and goes over time.
It's not just a stage that you get over. It's something that that stays with us
for long periods of time in different ways. There's frequently strong feelings
of yearning and sorrow. Some people say that that's really the most
characteristic symptom of an acute grief response is yearning sorrow,
longing for the person who's died. It's a mixture of other feelings including very
positive feelings, warmth. When I say positive feelings, A lot of people will
disbelieve that, but how many of you have given a eulogy in your life? Lots of
hands. Well you never give a eulogy for someone you haven't loved and who you
aren't grieving. Often people who you love very much. I also thoughy most people
who give a eulogy are actually pretty funny and eulogies tend to get a lot of laughter,
as much laughter as tears. So positive feelings are part of grief as well. Even
when we lose somebody very near and dear to our hearts. Oh they come and go. Warmth
of being with people, at sharing memories, of reliving the past are certainly part
of normal grief. But there are also feelings of insecurity. Then someone said
when you lose a child you're losing your future, when you lose a parent you're
losing your past. It's life changes, and the meaning of
life changes. You have to adapt to it, sense of emptiness, loss, think your
thoughts. We are very preoccupied on the deceased, that's why one of the reasons
we have bereavement leave. Whether it's two days, three days, or a week, people are
expected to take some time off. While they are allowed to be preoccupied with
thoughts about the death and the person who died,
and also are allowed to feel absolutely horrible, and be with friends and loved
ones and families, and and you know as we're preoccupied with the person who's
died our interest in ongoing life and in people and friends are diminished for a
period of time. That's all part of normal grief, but the good news is it's usually
time limited. And this is a list of the symptoms. I won't go through them again.
Just a couple commonalities about grief: One of the things I learned in my
studies is there no circumscribed stages. There's not a stage of denial and then
anger and then depression. Those don't exist in real life. People, those
feelings all wax and wane in intensity over time.
Grief does tend to come in bursts and waves. The intense feeling in the
waves are more frequent and less triggered in the early days and weeks of
the death of a loved one. In over time, they're they're less likely to be
as intense. Their life's likely to be frequent, and they're more likely to only
occur when you're thinking about or reminded in some way, of the person
who's died, rather than their being autonomous. Positive feelings are
intermixed as we mentioned. The intensity peaks, usually in days, maybe weeks, maybe
months. We don't have a good time frame for how long it lasts and I think it's
different for different people in different contexts. But it generally
peaks within at least several months and then starts to lessen but it doesn't go,
the bad news is, it just doesn't totally go away.
It doesn't end. It changes. So it evolves over time. The intense emotionality
subsides. The thoughts and memories recede into the background. They're
available, they're there. They come up at times, and anniversaries, happy events, sad
events, birthdays. Those thoughts and memories. Every time I give a talk on
bereavement I think about my mom and dad. I think about why didn't I tell her I
loved her more when she was alive. Most of the thoughts and memories are
bittersweet over time, they're not sad. The sense of disbelief lessens over time
and well being is restored. So acute grief evolves
into something we call integrative grief. Where the grief, now it's in our heart, in
our soul, in our behaviors, okay. Person who died rest peacefully in the heart.
okay.