LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY IS ON SATURDAY
AND THE CANDIDATES ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO GET
NOTICED.
NOW JEB BUSH HASN'T BEEN DOING TOO WELL IN THE PRIMARIES.
HE FINISHED FOURTH IN NEW HAMPSHIRE BUT YESTERDAY IT
SEEMED LIKE HE HAD FINALLY CHANGED HIS IMAGE AND SUMMED UP
HIS VISION FOR AMERICA IN A SINGLE TWEET.
HERE'S THE TWEET.
IT IS A GUN WITH HIS NAME ON IT, AND THE CAPTION JUST SAYS
AMERICA.
(LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH HE COULD HAVE JUST
CAPTIONED IT, NOW WILL YOU LIKE ME?
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAD HIS NAME ENGRAVED ON THE GUN.
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, JEB BUSH LOOKS LIKE ITS TYPE OF PERSON
WHO PUTS HIS NAME ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE HE'S GOT A LABEL MAKER.
IF YOU LOOK INSIDE HIS FRIDGE, YOU SEE LIKE JEB'S PEPSI.
JEB'S CHEESE, KEEP OFF.
BUT JEB, IF YOU ARE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND YOU WANT TO POST A
PICTURE OF GUNS, YOU DO IT THE WAY SPEAK OF THE HOUSE PAUL RYAN
DID IT.
THERE'S SOME GUNS.
THERE IS SOME GUNS FOR YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT I MEAN JEB IS MAKING A LOT
OF CHANGES, HIS NEW GUN-TOTING IMAGE ISN'T THE ONLY CHANGE.
AFTER SAYING HE WOULD NEVER DITCH HIS GLASSES THIS WEEK JEB
APPEARED WEARING CONTACT LENSES.
AND I HAVE TO SAY, THE NEW LOOK REALLY SUITS HIS TUFERRER IMAGE.
MOST PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO LOOK COOLER WITHOUT GLASSES.
JEB LOOKS LIKE A TURTLE WHO HAS LOST HIS SHELL.
(LAUGHTER) ALSO, LIKE, IS ANYONE ELSE
WORRIED THAT JEB GOT RID OF HIS GLASSES THE SAME WEEK HE GOT A
GUN?
(LAUGHTER) IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IS ABOUT
TO GET SHOT.
(APPLAUSE) BUT JEB'S REINVENTION HAS LEFT A
REALLY BAD TASTE IN EVERYONE'S MOUTH, PARTICULARLY HILLARY
CLINTON.
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED AT A RECENT CAMPAIGN EVENT.
>>-- INMATES-- REPRESENTING-- TH
ANK YOU, HAZEL.
>> James: THANK YOU, HAZEL.
SHE'S CLEARLY NOT VERY WELL.
BUT WE HAVE MORE FOOTAGE OF HER AT ANOTHER EVENT.
AND I'M SORRY TO SAY HER COUGH HAS ACTUALLY TAKEN A TURN FOR
THE WORSE.
(BARKING) PLAWSES (APPLAUSE).
>> James: I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD EXPLAIN, WE SHOULD
EXPLAIN DWR SHE IS BARKING LIKE A DOG BUT A, WE DON'T HAVE TIME
AND B, IT'S JUST FUNNIER IF WE DON'T.
BUT WITH JEB'S WAFFLING AND HILLARY'S BARKING, IT SEEMS LIKE
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT JUST DRIVES YOU CRAZY.
NOW LUCKILY BAR AK OBAMA IS STILL-- BARACK OBAMA IS STILL
TALKING SENSE, HERE IS WHAT HE SAID WHEN ASKED IF DONALD TRUMP
COULD BE PRESIDENT.
>> I CONTINUE TO BELIEVE MR. TRUMP WILL NOT BE PRESIDENT.
AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE.
>> James: YES, FINALLY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) A PRESIDENT WITH FAITH IN HIS
CITIZENS.
YOU KNOW, I TRUST EVERYTHING THIS GUY SAYS.
>> AND I THINK THEY RECOGNIZE THAT BEING PRESIDENT IS A
SERIOUS JOB.
IT'S NOT HOSTING A TALK SHOW.
>> James: OKAY, RIGHT, WHAT?
WHAT?
WHY WAS THAT THE FIRST JOB YOU MENTIONED AS A NONSERIOUS JOB
RIGHT THERE.
WHAT ABOUT A CLOWN OR ELVIS IMPERSONATORS OR THE GUY WHO
DJs AT THE ZOO?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LIKE HOSTING A SHOW ISN'T EASY,
MR. PRESIDENT, RIGHT.
YOU DRESS UP AS A PINATA ON CINQO DE MAYO AND HAVE LL COOL J
WHACK YOU WITH A BATON AND THEN TELL ME IT ISN'T SERIOUS.
CAN YOU DO THAT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
STILL BRUISED.
BRUISED LIKE A PEACH.