WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, UPSTAIRS IN THE
BALCONY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FEELING IS MUTUAL A WALL.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL ON OUR FIRST THURSDAY BACK
HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOTHING -- NOTHING LIKE A
THURSDAY.
>> Jon: NOTHING LIKE A THURSDAY.
>> Stephen: AFTER 15 MONTHS AWAY, ONE OF THE STRANGEST
THINGS -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY, JON -- ONE TO
HAVE THE STRANGEST THINGS IS HOW QUICKLY THIS FEELS NORMAL.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: AND I FOR ONE NEVER WANT TO FORGET WHAT A
PRIVILEGE IT IS TO BE WITH YOU ALL HERE TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT ALL GOT TAKEN AWAY.
>> Jon:ETH ALL GOT TAKEN AWAY.
>> Stephen: HE GIVETH AND TAKETH AWAY.
I AM THE JOB OF LATE NIGHT.
I AM ESPECIALLY THRILLED TO BE HERE WITH YOU
SIGNED A BILL MAKING JUNETEENTH A NATIONAL HOLIDAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: INCREDIBLE NEWS!
THAT'S A GOOD ONE RIGHT THERE!
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: AMAZING!
AND NOT ONLY -- AND LONG OVERDUE.
JUNETEENTH COMMEMORATES JUNE 19th, 1865, THE DAY THE
LAST GROUP OF ENSLAVED PEOPLE IN AMERICA LEARNED ABOUT THE
SIGNING OF THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION THAT HAD TAKEN
PLACE TWO AND A HALF YEARS EARLIER.
THEN, IT ONLY TOOK 156 MORE YEARS UNTIL THE IDEA FINALLY
REACHED WASHINGTON THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD CELEBRATE THIS.
IT'S GETTING THE FULL HOLIDAY TREATMENT.
MY UNDERSTANDING IS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT THEY'RE GIVING IT THE FULL HOLIDAY
TREATMENT -- A DAY OFF, COMMUNITY
GATHERINGS, AND, ONE ASSUMES, 50% ALL TEMPUR-PEDIC CALIFORNIA
KINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER TODAY, AT THE SIGNING
CEREMONY IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THE FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES CELEBRATED THE NEW HOLIDAY.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THROUGHOUT HISTORY, JUNETEENTH HAS BEEN
KNOWN BY MANY NAMES.
JUBILEE DAY, FREEDOM DAY, LIBERATION DAY, EMANCIPATION
DAY.
AND TODAY, A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JUNE 19th, KNOWN
BY MANY NAMES, ALSO KNOWN AS MACKELMORE'S BIRTHDAY BUT,
HAVEN'T BLACK AMERICANS SUFFERED ENOUGH?
( LAUGHTER ) ONE PERSON AT THE CEREMONY WHO
HAS BEEN WORKING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR DECADES IS
94-YEAR-OLD CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST OPAL LEE.
HERE'S HOW MS. LEE REACTED TO CONGRESS PASSING THE BILL.
>> THE BILL IS PASSED!
>> WOOHOO! OH OH OH OOH!
>> STEPHEN: I'M CALLING IT NOW: THAT IS THE SONG OF THE SUMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE BILL GOT UNANIMOUS SUPPORT IN THE SENATE, BUT IN THE HOUSE
THERE WERE 14 NO VOTES FROM REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
( BOOING ) I WONDER IF THOSE
REPRESENTATIVES HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON.
AH, YES -- IT'S THE SPF 700 CLUB.
THESE CONGRESSMEN HAD A NUMBER OF OBJECTIONS TO THE BILL,
RANGING FROM STUPID TO DUMB.
LIKE KENTUCKY REPRESENTATIVE THOMAS
MASSIE, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING THAT HIS GUN IS THAT SIZE
BECAUSE IT'S COLD OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: IT'S AN ANALOGY,
SEE...
>> Stephen: MASSEY SWEARS HE SUPPORTS
JUNETEENTH, BUT TAKES ISSUE WITH THE HOLIDAY'S FULL NAME
JUNETEENTH NATIONAL INDEPENDENCE DAY.
WHY?
BECAUSE HE SAYS IT WILL CONFLICT WITH JULY 4TH, AND PUSH
AMERICANS TO PICK ONE OF THOSE TWO DAYS AS THEIR INDEPENDENCE
DAY BASED ON THEIR RACIAL IDENTITY.
LET'S BE REAL.
AMERICANS MAY HAVE THEIR DIFFERENCES, BUT WE HOLD THESE
TRUTH TO BE SELF-EVIDENT: WE TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO EAT
AND DRINK TO EXCESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR PETE'S SAKE, WE'LL DOUBLE
DOWN!
WE'LL DO THEM BOTH!
>> COME ON!
>> Stephen: FOR PETE'S SAKE, WE MAINLINE MARGARITAS ON CINCO
DE MAYO FOR MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY, AND WE'RE NOT MEXICAN AND
IT'S NOT EVEN THEIR INDEPENDENCE DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALSO, I DON'T THINK TWO
INDEPENDENCE DAYS IS GOING TO CONFUSE A NATION THAT HAS
LEARNED TO KEEP TRACK OF FOUR HANDSOME CHRIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANDs THE DAY WE ALL CELEBRATE
FOUR HAN HANDSOME CHRISES, CHRISTMAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE WAS ALSO SOME GOOD NEWS
OUT OF THE SUPREME COURT.
TODAY, THE COURT UPHELD OBAMACARE AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ObamaCare LIVES!
LIVES!
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW THAT MEANS ANNUAL PHYSICALS
FOR EVERYONE.
AMERICA, TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH.
YOU'RE GOOD.
COULDN'T GET IT ON IN TIME.
SOSORRY ABOUT THAT.
THE VOTE WAS A RESOUNDING 7-2 AGAINST A TEXAS LAWSUIT
CHALLENGING THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE.
THE COURT DECIDED THAT TEXAS DID NOT HAVE STANDING TO SUE BECAUSE
NOBODY WAS FORCED TO PAY A PENALTY FOR NOT GETTING
INSURANCE.
WHY?
BACK IN 2017, THE GOP-CONTROLLED CONGRESS PASSED A BILL CUTTI
THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE PENALTY TO ZERO.
THE REPUBLICANS' PREVIOUS ATTEMPT TO KILL OBAMACARE KILLED
THIS ATTEMPT TO KILL OBAMACARE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
>> Jon: THAT'S HOW IT GOES DOWN SOMETIMES!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TURNS OUT THE
G.O.P. IS ITS OWN WORST ENEMY.
ALSO, EVERYONE ELSE'S.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAY OUT WEST, SUMMER IS HERE
WITH A VENGEANCE.
STATES FROM MONTANA TO CALIFORNIA ARE EXPERIENCING
ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME HEA WAVES EVER OBSERVED.
LET'S GO TO THE FORECAST: >> THANKS, STEVE!
IT'S A REAL SCORCHER.
OVER TO CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPORTS!
>> AHH NETS IN 6 KEVIN DURANT IS ON FIRE!
>> STEPHEN: IN FACT, MULTIPLE WEATHER SERVICE OFFICES IN THE
WEST HAVE ISSUED EXCESSIVE-HEAT WARNINGS FOR DANGEROUSLY HOT
CONDITIONS.
IT'S PARTICULARLY HOT IN THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA REGION OF
DOWNTOWN BENNIFER.
HUMID.
IN ARIZONA, TEMPERATURES HAVE SOARED PAST 115 DEGREES.
ONE PHOENIX RESIDENT TOLD REPORTERS, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN
HELL.
SO, PHOENIX -- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S LOVELY.
IT'S JUST A JOKE, JON.
>> Jon: I QUESTION IT.
I GET IT.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, PHOENIX.
ONE OF THE STATES MOST AFFECTED BY RISING TEMPERATURES IS TEXAS.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY WHEN ONE TEXAS WOMAN LEFT A JAR
OF DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS IN HER CAR.
HER DOCTOR SAID SHE WASN'T GETTING ENOUGH VITAMIN GOO.
THIS HEAT IS ESPECIALLY DANGEROUS FOR TEXANS BECAUSE OF
THEIR POWER GRID IS FRAGILE.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT, BACK IN FEBRUARY, WINTER STORMS LEFT
MORE THAN 4.8M HOMES AND BUSINESSES WITHOUT ELECTRICITY
FOR DAYS.
SO IT'S GOOD THAT (SINGING)
THE STARS AT NIGHT ARE BIG AND BRIGHT
CUZ THERE'S NO LIGHTS IN TEXA ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE -- THANK YOU!
WOULDN'T PEE-WEE BE PROUD?
RIGHT ON CUE.
HOW DID THEY KNOW?
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, THE POWER COMPANY COULD NEVER HAVE
ANTICIPATED COLD WEATHER IN TEXAS.
OR HOT WEATHER IN TEXAS.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE TEXAS
POWER COMPANY STARTED BEGGING CUSTOMERS TO TURN OFF
APPLIANCES TO HELP AVERT BLACKOUTS.
SO, THE ENERGY COMPANY'S ADVICE IS BUY AN A.C. UNIT, BUT DON'T
TURN IT ON IF IT'S HOT.
AND JUST TO RUB SALT IN THE WOUND,
THESE WARNINGS ABOUT UNRELIABLE POWER ARE COMING FROM THE
ELECTRIC RELIABILITY COUNCIL OF TEXAS.
( LAUGHTER ) KIND OF A MISNOMER.
AT THIS POINT, THAT'S LIKE THE SOBRIETY COUNCIL OF NEW
ORLEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: HEY!
NOT EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: NOT EVERYBODY.
NOBODY'S SAYING DON'T PARTY!
NOBODY'S SAYING DON'T PARTY.
>> Jon: NOBODY'S GOT THE COURAGE.
>> Stephen: STAYING IN TEXAS, THERE WAS A
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM TEXAS GOVERNOR AND MAN BREATHING
EASIER THANKS TO ALLEGRA, GREG ABBOTT.
ABBOTT SAYS HE'S GOING TO SOLICIT DONATIONS FROM THE
PUBLIC TO FUND THE CONSTRUCTION OF TEXAS' BORDER WALL.
( BOOING ) NO, NO, NO, HEAR ME OUT!
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA KEEP THOSE TEXANS OUT OF THE U.S..
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO FLORIDA NEXT!
WHAT?
OH, NO!
SO BAD.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M BEING TOLD IT'S ACTUALLY FOR
A U.S.-MEXICO BORDER WALL.
OKAY, SO, ONE STATE CAN DO ITS OWN FOREIGN POLICY?
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS HEADLINE AFTER PEARL HARBOR:
DELAWARE DECLARES DELA-WAR ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY TEXAS IS DESPERATE.
THEY HAVE TO FIND SOME WAY TO STOP THEIR SENATORS FROM
FLEEING TO CANCUN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S LIKE WE'RE CATCHING UP ON A LOT OF PUNCH LINES.
TO PRIME THE DONATION PUMP, YESTERDAY ABBOTT ANNOUNCED THE
STATE WAS KICKING IN $250 MILLION.
WHAT A WISE USE OF TAXPAYER MONEY.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT ON SOMETHING STUPID, LIKE SHORING
UP THEIR COTTON CANDY POWER GRID.
( LAUGHTER ) ABBOTT WAS CLEAR ON WANTING
MONEY AND WANTING WALL, BUT THE OTHER DETAILS WERE PRETTY FUZZY.
AS ONE REPORTER PUT IT, HE SAYS TEXANS CAN DONATE THEIR
PRIVATE LAND AND MONEY TO THE PROJECT.
BUT HE CAN'T SAY WHAT THE PROJECT WILL LOOK LIKE, HOW MANY
MILES WILL BE BUILT OR WHERE IT WILL BE BUILT.
SO IT'S LESS OF A BORDER POLICY AND MORE OF AN IMPROV SHOW.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY!
I NEED THE SUGGESTION OF A PLACE TO BUILD A BORDER WALL, HOW LONG
IT SHOULD BE, AND A MINORITY TO VILLAINIZE.
OKAY, I HEARD SURFACE OF THE MOON, 100,000 MILES, AND SPACE
HONDURANS.
BASED ON THOSE SUGGESTIONS, WE TAKE YOU TO THIS PROCTOLOGIST'S
OFFICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, DOCTOR!
IT'S A SNAKE!
SPEAKING OF FOREIGN COUNTRIES, EUROPE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS SUMMER, EUROPE IS IN THE
MIDST OF THE EUROPEAN SOCCER TOURNAMENT.
AN EVENT THAT HAPPENS ONLY, I'M GOING TO SAY, EVERY SNGLE DAY?
( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT IT.
THE EVENT IS CALLED EURO 2020.
BUT IT'S TAKING PLACE IN 2021 BECAUSE OF COVID, AND BECAUSE
2021 IS 2020 IN CELSIUS, I THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE'S ALREADY BEEN UNE
SCANDALE GRANDE INVOLVING PORTUGUESE SUPERSTAR AND SEX
DOLL OF CRISTIANO RONALDO.
CRISTIANO RONALDO.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
COCA COLA IS A MAJOR SPONSOR OF THE TOURNAMENT, BUT DURING A
PRESS BRIEFING, RONALDO DID THIS:
> AGUA >> STEPHEN: RONALDO, YOU KNOW
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
YOU HAVE TO MOVE THE COKE BOTTLES WITH YOUR FEET.
( LAUGHTER ) RED CARD.
RED CARD.
( APPLAUSE ) GIVE ME THAT BACK.
I USE THAT TO CHECK OUT BOOKS AT THE VATICAN LIBRARY.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER MOVING THE BOTTLES,
RONALDO SAYS "AGUA," WHICH I BELIEVE IS PORTUGESE FOR WE
DON'T HAVE COKE, IS PEPSI OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) RONALDO IS NOT ALONE.
FRENCH STAR PAUL POGBA DID THIS TO A BOTTLE OF HEINEKEN ZERO
POINT ZERO.
>> STEPHEN: POGBA, YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ONE OF YOUR MAJOR
SPONSORS LIKE HEINEKEN ZERO POINT ZERO, WHICH IS NAMED FOR
THE NUMBER OF GOALS IN AN AVERAGE SOCCER GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: I WILL SAY THIS, THOUGH -- SPITTING
IN THE FACE OF A SPONSOR LIKE THAT TAKES COURAGE AND
INTEGRITY.
AND WHEN I NEED INTEGRITY, I REACH FOR AN ICE COLD COCA COLA.
( APPLAUSE ) WHICH I ENJOY WITH A LITTLE
HEINEKEN ZERO POINT ZERO.
>> Jon: MM-MMM, MM-MMM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRINCIPLES.
MM-MMM!
( LAUGHTER ) (GAGGING)
AGUA.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS NATHAN LANE, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE
STICK AROUND.