- So when I first told the internet about my surgery
and the fact that I now have a stoma,
the most common question that was asked
other than what the hell is a stoma was what about sex?
Can you have sex?
Is sex different now?
And I don't know whether that's because
I do sex and relationships education
and I talk about sex a lot online
so people felt comfortable asking me that question.
By the way, if you ask that question,
I'm not saying that was a bad thing for you to ask that.
It's totally fine.
I'm totally okay with people asking me that question.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm so open about sex
that loads of people were asking that,
or everyone was just asking it because
just wanna know and super curious
and it's like what does that mean for your sex life now,
how does it all work down there?
So that is what this video is about.
I'm going to talk about sex with a stoma,
but not with a stoma.
Don't go inserting anything into a stoma.
It's not about that.
It's about sex if you have a stoma
or sex if your partner has a stoma.
Just needed to clarify that first of all.
I'll mostly be talking from my experience
and how I've found things and some things that I've learned.
So the surgery that I had removed my entire colon
and left my rectum, so actually didn't fuff around
with any of my genitals or my reproductive system
or any of that.
So in theory, that all works fine and normally as it should,
and in practise, to my knowledge, that is what's happening.
It literally doesn't make a difference
to I guess the mechanical side of the sex.
But the thing that does make a difference is the bag.
So this is my stoma bag.
I have an ileostomy, which means my stoma
is on my right hand side, like down here.
And so the stoma, this is the sticky bit,
my stoma is through here.
This is stuck to my body and this is flapping around.
And so you can imagine how annoying that is during sex.
No one wants that.
Also, I have a very short body
so my stoma bag kind of, just this bit is
just hanging around the pubic line as well.
So the first thing I'll say
that I have to do during any kind of sexy times
is fold the bag up.
So there's loads of different types of bags
but this brand, which is Choloplast,
this one that I have, this bit where you empty it
and has a velcro here, but they also have a velcro up here
so I can fold it up like so.
And then it's basically half the size.
As you can see it's not really going to be
flapping around so much.
So that's just constantly what my bag is like during sex.
Also have to empty it before sex.
So spontaneous sex is kind of not really a thing,
although, loads of people pee before sex.
It's just like getting it all out of your system.
And also just you know, you freshen up, da da da da,
you get ready, so it's not that big a deal.
But it might be a case of sexy times have started
and then I have to be like ooh, gotta go empty the bag.
But I've done that before with like need to pee.
So another thing that I do
to make it not seem like there is a bag of poo
attached to my body during sexy times
is getting certain clothing items to cover it up
but still have genital access.
What a conversation this is.
Okay, one minute, rewind a second.
When I was in hospital and when I was
first having the conversations with the stoma nurse
about the fact that I might need a stoma,
even me, even me felt weird asking.
I was like what about sex?
And she was like it's fine.
Basically, it's the same as before.
You just have to manage the bag basically.
And there is information online
on the NHS and on other kind of
ostomy stoma support websites, charities and stuff.
There is information out there about sex.
But it kind of just says communicate, you can have sex.
And that's it.
There isn't really any practical tips,
which is where I had to kind of go out
and seek that information myself.
So one of the things that I found, do do do,
I think is from a brand called Ostomy Secrets,
but they have these bands.
These wrap around your body.
So this one is called intimacy wrap I think.
And look at that, look at that.
It just goes right around your waist,
just covers up the bag, and basically it's got a pocket,
like this like this.
Demonstration, bag, attached to body goes in pocket like so.
See that?
So now that's just hanging out in there
and then it's like that.
So it's tucked away, out of the way.
It looks sexy and genitals available.
And another little hack that I've discovered
is high waisted crotchless underwear.
And I don't have any to show you
but I do have this to show you
which is a little piece that I got on Lovehoney.
By the way I have an affiliate link with Lovehoney
so if you do ever want to treat yourself
to sex toys or lingerie, please do use my link
because that helps me out and shows your support.
So I got this number.
So this is just like a full body lacy thing.
It's a one size fits all, which I was not convinced by,
but I just tie these up super tight.
But yeah, basically it's like this.
Stoma bag is hidden away or tucked in away.
But it's crotchless.
Hello.
So that's kind of how I've gotten around the sexy times
and making sure the bag isn't getting in the way
or anything like that.
On a less practical and more emotional level I guess,
the thing that has really helped me
is just that communication and that intimacy
and that closeness of my partner with the stoma
and with the stoma bag, but in a non-sexual situation.
So it's just that reassurance of that
they're not grossed out by out it,
that they don't care, that they still find you attractive
and they still fancy you.
I'm a fairly confident person
but definitely since this I do need a lot more reassurance.
And I definitely find myself asking the question
do you still find me attractive?
Do you still think I'm sexy?
And that literally is coming from a place of insecurity
and I just needed to be reassured.
So if you or your partner have a stoma,
just communicate, just talk about it.
One thing that has really helped me with intimacy,
not even sex, but just intimacy in that comfortableness
with each other and with the stoma
is I like going to sleep with my hand on it
because sometimes as I'm falling asleep
she's like farting and doing her thing
and I can feel the pressure on the bag
and I find that really comforting and I really like it.
And so Dan will sometimes, as we're falling asleep,
he'll have his arm around me
but he'll put his hand on the bag too.
And I find that really reassuring
'cause it shows that he's not afraid of it.
He's comforting me but hand on the bag,
so it's like it doesn't bother him.
Another thing that me and my partner did
was I put a bag on him.
Just one evening I kind of roughly guessed
where it would be on his body and we stuck the bag to him
and he just kind of walked around with it
to see how it felt, sat down on the toilet with it
to see how it goes and stuff like that.
And so I think that was a really great exercise in empathy
'cause one of the first things he said was,
"Ooh, it's a bit scratchy."
Because when it's dangling down,
these corners and stuff can sometimes hit on your skin
and it just kind of scratches you a little bit.
And then the other thing is that my skin around the stoma
feels super itchy sometimes.
So I'm trying to scratch it through this hard plastic.
So that was really good
'cause then it kind of gave him an idea of what it's like.
The other biggest question I get is about anal sex.
And let me tell you a funny story.
When I first came out of the operation theatre
I was high as a kite, in loads of pain.
I was wheeled into the intensive care unit
and my bed was surrounded by surgeons
and I was just like, just like this.
And they're like, "The surgery went really well Hannah.
Do you have any questions?"
And I was just like how big is my rectum?
So apparently in that moment I just really needed to know
how much of my rectum was left inside me.
So my surgeon said that the rectum
is about 12 to 14 centimetres or something like that.
I was high.
Maybe I've got this all wrong.
And so my followup question was can I put stuff in it?
This was like the first thing
that apparently I wanted to know.
And to be honest I can't remember what he said.
And then when I look online all of the articles
on all of those helpful websites
that I mentioned previously,
when it talks about sex and stomas,
it's literally just talking about vaginal sex.
So there's just no info about that there.
You guys can be my internet.
What do you think?
Can you have anal sex if you have a stump of a rectum?
At some point in the future I am gonna have to have surgery
either to remove my rectum or get a reversal
and have a J pouch.
And I'm pretty sure then with those two
shouldn't be able to have anal sex.
I mean, obviously, rectum removed,
no way you can have anal sex.
You don't even have, it'd be just like this.
Whereas with a J pouch, they remove your rectum
and then fashion a thing out of your small intestine,
which I think is just a lot more sensitive.
So putting things up that is probably not the best idea.
But I don't know.
If you have a J pouch or if you have a permanent stoma
so you don't have a rectum,
please let me know your experiences with butt stuff
if you want to.
So yeah, those are my main points about sex with a stoma.
Question marks surrounding butt stuff.
Please let me know.
Practical little things, and of course,
just that communication, emotional intimacy,
and trust, super super important.
But ultimately if you have a stoma
or your partner has a stoma
it is not going to stop you from having
the sex life that you want.
Thank you for watching this video.
Please do give it a thumbs up if you enjoyed it
and don't forget to subscribe
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'cause I make new videos every week.
Bye.
(electronic music)