G'day, A.J. Mahari here an answer or response to the question what should I
meaning you what should I do if I've just been ghosted by somebody with
borderline personality first of all the question has a bit of a flaw in the what
should you do what should I do if somebody just goes to me with BPD
meaning what should you do first of all really seriously should the word the
concept is a thought Distortion so that doesn't help to preface a question that
many people are asking themselves right now and I've had clients asking me over
the years what should I do now as president BPD just ghosted me I don't
know what's going on it was the best ever we got as close as we ever could
have gotten and and I know have said many a client to me I know that I was as
close to her or to him as anybody before because not only did they tell me that
but I saw a part to them I got so close to them we really seemed to understand
each other I really love this person so much so how could we first of all
reframe that question so that it's not starting off with a thought distortion
instead of what should you do if you've just been ghosted by somebody with BPD
or you're being ghosted over and over by somebody with BPD a good reframe might
be yeah but I've been ghosted by someone with BPD and maybe you were that in
again what do I really need what do I feel and what do I really need to learn
what do I really need to learn what do I need to understand more about having
just been ghosted by somebody with BPD and then of course the answer that most
people go to is I can understand more about BPD I gotta understand more about
that person why would he or she do this very natural very sort of second step
very very much where people go let's just say so in answer to the
question now that I've been ghosted by personal BPD I really love and I don't
understand it I really care about them and I want to
get back with them and okay so let's say you're already if you're watching this
video you're already watching videos you're already trying to figure out
people be pitying how could this happen and why would this happen
understandable obviously people need to increase their knowledge and
understanding a boring personality but again tor tend to try to keep you know
like I said in my last video keep pursuing them keep going around the same
circles which are the codependent cycles that go you know in tandem in a way not
exactly the same but with the person with BPD's splitting an on-off push-pull
approach avoidance conflict is that what you want to learn more about or do you
want to learn more about what's the best for you what's the healthiest thing for
you to do because you know I've seen this question or questions similar
online and many people try to get into you know all the explanation about BPD
and other people will say what I would like to say but I know it's too
simplistic to say now that I've been ghosted by somebody with BPD what can I
do well what do you need what do I need to do what do you need to do what can
you do not quote what should you do and there is a difference the answer really
is block them and let them go but of course that's really read painful isn't
it
as I've been saying here in videos people with codependency but people with
some childhood woundedness where people should that go they actually pursue
harder where people should go to the right towards their healing process and
taking care of self they go over to the left and the quest for understanding and
beyond ad infinitum a focus on and analysis of
every aspect of why did this person ghost you why did this person just do
this what happened and what are you to do now I know that a lot of people can't
just do this like that but really stop for a second slow down and think about
how the first thing you need to do is change direction change your focus
instead of on the personal DPD the ex the ghosts are the cluster B and all why
the what do what do what cuz you're hurting
it's like focus over here go this way to I don't want to keep hurting I don't
know what just happened but see what's the difference between these two paths
one is the pursuit of everything up beginning to find out about more about
BPD cluster B etc and how and why and what what what can I do and really that
question about what can I do now after you've been ghost it
never mind that what should I do which is the thought the source inversion
while people follow the thought distortion distortion version though
because it's again the avoidance of what you really need to do for you and that
can hurt even a whole lot more and it somehow feels like the answer is
resolution and understanding and it isn't a long-term resolution of you know
in a healing process for you focusing on yourself and understanding and
understanding yourself more but it's not a focus of resolution and understanding
that you know that people go through a lot too
because they want to know well then how can I get him or her back and I won't
gently say to you with great empathy and no judgment why do you want them that
haven't you been hurt enough sigh close to a deeper question for you doesn't it
so this question of I just was goes to by somebody with BPD what should I do
you've just been ghost by somebody with BPD what should you do let me put it
that way the thought distortion there should
should is a cognitive distortion and you know what is important to not do it
should all over yourself it matters this isn't just word games it really matters
because I think think I've alluded to in my last video so this feel a little
repetitive but there isn't enough information on the planet for you to
gather to change the person that just goes to do with BPD and whether you keep
chasing after understanding I mean understanding them understanding that
more is important but not without focus on yourself and healing to understand
yourself better I really advocate and for clients I work with what happens and
I seen happen time and time again with clients when they work for their
recovery yes sometimes we talked about the X or the BP that just goes to them
or goes to them however long ago as we work through the process of their
recovery it's working through that process that actually is going to yield
you that emotional understanding and then more intellectual understanding but
the emotional understanding is really what you're going into you may well be
going into a heavy pursuit of intellectual understanding it's not
going to help you find the emotional understanding that's what recoveries for
that's what working with someone like myself if I resonate with you working
with someone is for because the more you process your own pain and that again
it's it feels like a driven need that what you quote should do is get them
back cuz it's not finished cuz there's no closure cuz like this hurts like how
am I supposed to do now I can't take this and it
devastates people it beyond devastates people don't should all over yourself
number one number two easier for me to say than you do is you need to realize
somebody just slam the door in your face for somebody that he ghosted you they
slam the door in your face they're gone can they sometimes come back yeah and
what happens in I promise you more and more of the same and you've been hurt
and more hurt and more hurt and more confused and more lost
so what quote should you do if you've just been ghosted or you were goes to
the while ago by somebody with BPD close the doors been slammed in your face keep
it closed walk away from the door take a different direction use your back door
to the house for a while but if you know just metaphorically speaking
here's another door stay away from that door for now leave that door closed do
what supports the door being closed the door that they slam in your face do what
supports it being closed block to them go no contact get into recovery know
that it's a great process know that it really hurts
all of the tries if you go a different direction and what I just said which
many do because I understand not as simple as I'm putting it the way it
feels at all but if you don't take that direction the first time BB a second
third fourth fifth time and each time you will have gone around the same cycle
as a personal DVD goes through push pull and maybe somewhat idealized but the
value and then also they will be in the approach avoidance conflict which is not
resolvable until unless they go and get significant treatment approach avoidance
is not exactly an attachment style but people with BPD really don't have an
attachment style because in the place of an attachment style its approach
avoidance approach avoidance it's great we're close uh uh ego food beer gotta
get out of here oh now I they don't go I left and I go stood and I know they
think you abandon name announced abandonment gotta get
back get back close Oh golfing's here you're controlling me
gotta leave so it's hard to be rational when you're hurting like crazy but which
two of those pathways sounds like the one out of agony and pain beyond belief
it's not to quote what should I do learn about BPD I mean people don't do
that but focus on that and then the Hoover and take take him or her back or
the reverse Hoover get him or her back figure out what they're doing watch
their social media hurt yourself some more on top all the hurt they've already
done to you like I was mentioning in a different way in another video you
really need to leave the doors they slam in your face closed and that is not
simple and that is very painful but if you face that pain now and you get into
your own healing and recovery journey right when they've ghosted you or if
it's if it happened a while ago now or maybe it's happening multiple times
you're you'll really benefit and what you need is to do something healthier
for yourself and guess what when your face which is kind of really horrible
seemingly impossible and oh I'm incredibly painful choice it's when you
leave the door the day slammed in your face closed that is the most difficult
choice ever without closure with emotional and cognitive dissonance with
issues that are maybe going on for you as a codependent that you're not even
aware of yet really from your childhood that are subconscious
if you don't do it now when and if not now what's between the noun and the when
which is later later sometime much later for some people not too late for other
people not so much later it's going to be another world of hurt that you're
going to encounter because he cycles and and the cycles between people with BPD
and codependents off on again will be endless in most people's cases and the
person that you you love right now that ghosted you isn't who you fell in love
with you might know that in your head but it's time to work through those
emotions and face those emotions and go in that direction for yourself to save
yourself future pain and more and more accruing more and more and more pain and
it is the choice that is the most difficult one to make that is the
healthiest choice to make and it might not feel like it right now because the
choice that gives you some relief to the agony at least temporarily is to get
them back to see what they're doing to figure it all out but figuring it out
doesn't help you emotionally and figuring it out doesn't bring them back
and if they come back figuring it out isn't gonna help them stay they're still
gonna go through approach avoidance and ghost you again not everybody BPD is the
same but the ones who goes to do their in their own pattern of approach
avoidance and and everything else they're gonna keep doing the same thing
these things are a pattern driven and they're not gonna stop it's not going to
just be once anything so I hope you can think about that today and just know
that when it counts the most when you hurt the most and I look feel when it
feels the most impossible it is the difficult choice of leaving the door
that they slammed in your face closed and not opening it again that is what's
gonna help you to move through something that you don't have a clue how to get
through because right now I'm just overwhelmed maybe if it just happened or
even if it happened a while ago you're hurting and you're suffering and you
can't think about anything else etc and so it is making the most
difficult choice right now and pursuing that choice for your
recovery focusing on yourself so that you can integrate what's happened not
only learn more about it intellectually incorporate dealing your feelings and
understanding it more from an emotional place and then healing it what I'm
really asking you to think about today if you haven't already done this is to
leave that door they say I'm closed the choice that feels impossible to make
because you're worth it and because that really difficult choice is going to take
you out of being further hurt and further hurt and further hurt which is
going to crew and a crew and a crew and some people get so
devastated by this they don't make it and you don't want to be one of those
people so make the really difficult choice right now and if you resonate
with me I'm out here to help you through this or find someone that you resonate
with look for help and support therapy you're only healing recovery journey
don't stay in the pattern because part of the pattern aside from the person BPD
is the codependent pattern that's what's in you and you can you can learn more
about that you can understand that and you can heal that and as you go through
that process then the door that you left slammed that they slammed in your face
the door that you have shut the most difficult choice you possibly could have
made is gonna lead you to where you need to be to knowing yourself to relating in
more healthy ways yourself to having better boundaries to trusting yourself
that's not ever again relate to someone who's actually emotionally unavailable
and doesn't know how to attach you can't love you in a healthy way
take care