So I just saw life.
And just like real life, it was painfully average, kinda boring and really fuckin' stupid.
now this is a film that tries really, really, really hard to be just like other space horror thriller movies.
there are many scenes, moments, ideas and shots that are very reminiscent of these films.
but this film is made by people who are not even close to understanding what made those films special in the first place.
All throughout the film it hits so many beats that are painfully similar to the films it's trying to be.
but what this film forgets to do is properly develop anything. (jeez adam)
the film plays out as though there's some sort of expectation that we should be CARING about these characters
but it somehow forgot that it never actually gave us any reason to care about these characters.
now obviously with a space horror thriller film, we can expect that much of the conflict will come out of characters making foolish decisions.
in a film like "Sunshine", foolish decisions are made but the characters are so well developed we can easily understand what brings them to make those decisions in the first place
the film "Life" presents these conflicts as though it had done the same thing, but it never actually did.
the aggravating level of stupidity that spawns out of the character every time the script needs a plot device in this film
feels as though it could have come from anyone of them.
essentially, these characters are just passing around the "stupid stick" to keep the plot conflict going. (the hell is a stupid stick?)
[Adam acting as a character] "Oh hey, we found a surefire way to make sure that this alien won't kill any of us. hm, how can i fuck that up right now?"
[Adam] Lather, rinse, repeat.
every single time these characters screwed something up, it was the stupidest excuse in the world.
and i can't really specify any of it without spoiling shit so if you don't want to hear spoilers, click to "this" part in the video.
there's your warning, 3, 2, 1.
so the alien is basically a tiny amount of goop in a petri dish
and once they introduce it to oxygen, it basically revives it. (well researched science right there)
and over the course of how ever long it starts growing exponentially without them even feeding it anything.
eventually it gets super strength and cripples this guy's hand. *insert idubbbz meme here*
and apparently nobody understands the concept of quarantine.
this guy gets his arm free, and he passes out and just floats there.
and they all watch as this "Alien Thing™" slowly escapes from it's containment.
and for some reason they waited until after that happened to burst in and try to rescue this guy. and even though they do rescue him,
ryan renolds is now stuck in there (shit)
he tries to kill it with some fire but he fails and the thing crawls inside his mouth and starts tearing him to shreds from the insides
and for some reason after this point, now Jake Gyllenhaal is suggesting to go inside and grab him.
Like "We gotta get him outta there, there's a man dying in there!"
Yeah, let's take him out with that thing clearly inside him.
Then, Ryan Reynolds is clearly dead and the fire thing just happens to brush past a fire detector.
So some holes open up in the ceiling and the room starts filling with 'some sort of gas?'
Perhaps it's Carbon Dioxide, or some sort of gaseous fire retardant, I don't know.
But either way, they're like 'Oh no now this thing can escape to other parts of the ship!!1!'
And then the guy who's able to control closing the holes in the ceiling from his computer is like:
'ah i cant do them all at once tho it only allows me to do them one at a time!!1!'
Okay?
So the alien tries to escape through the holes one by one but he closes them one by one before the alien gets to them
except for the last one where the alien makes it through before he closes it
and then he's like 'ah shit i guess it just barely got away'
Now, I'm not an astronaut or anything but wouldn't it make more sense for the quarantine room on the international space station
to not lead to other parts of the ship like that?
Like even if you have a fire extinguishing system in place, do you not think it would make sense for those holes to lead to sealed pressurised containers
and not just the whole ship?
Like, I'm pretty sure that wasn't oxygen rushing into the room to try and put out the fire
so how exactly was whatever compartment the alien rushed into not airtight?
Shortly after they try communicating to Earth but their communications are down!!1
and I shit you not these characters very quickly conclude without any shred of scepticism
that 'the alien did it intentionally'.
Like, they actually say 'This is an advanced species, it knows exactly what it's doing.'
But then, I guess that means that whatever chamber the gaseous fire retardant was connected to
is also connected to whatever they're using for communications that the alien destroyed?
Ooookay!
So then they're like 'Ok somebody has to go outside the ship and fix something'
So this girl goes outside by herself.
She opens a valve from outside to check on the coolant, and she's like 'Oh no there's no more coolant'
and then the alien jumps out and grabs her leg and then she closes the valve.
and the alien squeezes on her leg hard enough that her suit fills up with fluid and starts drowning her.
and then she's like 'oh no i don't have much time because im drowning lol'
so she jumps from one part of the station to the other.
and during the jump the whole tone of the film is trying to imply as though there's some chance she might not make it.
Like 'Oh no i wonder if she's going to be able to grab the on to other side of the ship or not!1!'
'The only source of conflict in the film is attached to her leg, I wonder if she will make it, hmm?'
So then she makes it and Jake Gyllenhaal's trying to let her back inside despite the thing being attached to her leg,
but she keeps the door closed from the other side because she doesn't want the thing going back in the ship.
I mean if she was going to kill herself to save humanity she could have just jumped off into deep space with the thing on her leg, but whatever.
So she drowns in her suit and lifelessly starts floating away from the ISS at a snail's pace.
And since she is moving so slowly the alien is able to jump back onto the ISS.
Well, looks like you fucked up again!
And then everybody's like "Okay, well, I guess we're safe now, but wait!'
'What if the alien gets back inside the ship through the thrusters??(?)'
What? So those aren't airtight also?
Like they don't just lead to a sealed fuel chamber?
But they lead to the ship in general?
Oookay?
So they look at the computer to see if the temperature inside the thruster drops so that they can ignite it if the alien goes inside it.
So they do that like 3 times for about a second and a half each.
And then they're like 'Oops! We're out of fuel!'
'Yep, we used all of our fuel on that other mission that we were doing before the movie started!'
How unfortunately convenient, am I right guys?
So then they just sit and watch as the alien crawls into the thruster.
And apparently that also means that it has access to the whole ship now.
Like, as though the International Space Station isn't airtight or something.
There are some of you that might say 'Adum, what if it just broke through something to get back into the other parts of the space station?'
Well, if it did then whatever part of the station that it broke into would no longer be airtight.
Like, if it breaks into a room then all of the air in that room will leave the ship, right?
Like, this whole time they're trying to deprive it of oxygen until it dies.
So the very next thing they do is try to seal off their part of the ship from the alien so they can remove all of the oxygen from the areas of the ship that the alien is in.
But if it came from outside of the space station would that not already be the case?!
I DON'T RECALL IT USING AN AIRLOCK.
If it is currently in the ship and you are still breathing oxygen then whatever part of the ship it's in is already sealed off from where you currently are.
RIGHT?!
JusT DoN't ThInK AbOuT iT!1!
So then they start wandering around the space station and this guy clearly sees it from a distance.
Then it cuts to the next scene where they're all hangin' out in a room being like 'I can't wait to deprive this thing of oxygen.'
'We'll just hang out here while it dies.'
Not really sure how depriving it of oxygen is supposed to kill it considering THEY FOUND IT ON MARS.
Then this guy starts spouting some Pseudo-philosophical bullshit like 'The alien doesn't hate us, it's just trying to survive just like we are.'
Then they unzip his pant leg and the alien is just wrapped around it because he 'wanted to sabotage them' I guess.
Like 'Oh this guy saw it as his child, so I guess he doesn't care if him and his friends die.'
So everybody runs around and the thing kills him and Sho gets separated from the others.
So Sho gets inside his lil' sleep compartment thing and the alien tries to get inside but it can't.
I don't know, if you're going to flat-out say that the alien was so smart that it knew what it was doing when it destroyed your communications system
Don't you think it would be smart enough to press a button to open a fucking door?
And the alien is way bigger now and it has a face, for some reason.
Like, earlier in the film they very clearly stated that each cell in this organism is simultaneously a muscle cell, a nerve cell and a photo-receptor cell.
"All muscle, all brain, all eyes," they said.
So why the fuck does it have a face now?!
It seems to me like the only reason it grew a face was to intimidate the audience by looking really angry and evil.
BUT IT SEEMS KINDA FUCKIN' STUPID.
So then, for some weird reason, Sho's headset conveniently stops working, so he can't communicate with the other two crew members.
And then we get the most confusing mess of a scene in the entire movie.
So, this other ship shows up outside heading towards the station, and Jake Gyllenhaal's like 'Yay, I guess we're gonna be saved, I guess they got our distress signal.'
And she's like 'No, they're not actually here to save us, they're here to make sure everything on this ship dies.'
She's like 'The first line of defence was the quarantine room, and the second line of defence fucked up, too, so this is the third line of defence
where they push us into deep space to make sure the thing never gets to Earth.'
But then the capsule tries docking? For some reason?
And since they bump into the station while docking, Sho both hears and feels the bump, and is like 'Oh, that must mean that there's a rescue mission right now.'
Even though he had literally zero way of knowing that there was a shuttle at all,
Like 'I felt a bump, let me immediately leave this safe zone right now!'
So then the other two rush towards the area to warn him, I guess?
But Sho just manually forces the hatch to enter the capsule?
The capsule he has no way of knowing is even there?
And as soon as he opens it, the alien shows back up and kills everybody that was hanging out in the capsule.
And somehow, something Sho did wound up making some sort of a breach?
So all the atmosphere starts getting sucked outside and it takes like five fucking minutes somehow.
Like, there's this super long scene where all of this debris is rushing past these characters as they try to hang on.
Anyway, Sho dies and the alien is still alive and Jake Gyllenhaal and the other girl are okay somehow.
But because of that whole incident the whole station is now slowly losing altitude and will eventually make it back down to Earth.
I dunno, maybe they should have just fucking nuked it, or some shit.
So then they're like 'Why don't we just lure it into an escape pod and launch it into deep space?'
And Jake Gyllenhaal's like 'Yes, I'll lure it into an escape pod and launch me into deep space and you can use the other escape pod to get back to Earth.'
So he lures it into an escape pod and she launches his escape pod and her escape pod.
But they hit some debris as they're launching so she gets launched off into space and Jake Gyllenhaal and the alien make it back down to Earth.
And the way they play off this scene it's supposed to make you expect that everything went fine up until they actually reveal that Jake Gyllenhaal is in the other capsule.
But as I was watching it all I thought was 'What's the stupidest possible fucking thing that could happen right now?'
And it happened. And it was hilarious.
10/10 ending, I was laughing, it was great.
Now despite the movie being really, really, really, really, really stupid it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen.
The squeamish kinda gore scenes were kind of entertaining.
And I guess it wasn't as boring as it could have been.
But even to the people that did enjoy it, it's the kind of film that I would be utterly shocked to find out that anyone still remembers 3 months from now.
This is the kind of movie one can only really enjoy when you're not really thinking about it.
You know, good old Sony, always making those great movies.
Speaking of Sony, the film actually has a scene in Times Square again.
Despite the movie having literally nothing to do with New York.
Wow, how crazy convenient is it that we get to throw in a shit-ton of ad-space into this shot.
Man, Sony products are the best, aren't they?
Anyway, this movie was dumb, and I'm done talking about it, so goodnight.
And I'm giving this one a 5/10.
Whoa, hey guys, welcome to EB Games, I just wanted to tell you that I'm still working on Childhood Trauma part 4 video and it's turning out to be more like half an hour than 20 minutes so it's taking a little bit longer than I thought it would but it should be out within the first week of April and there should also be another video out within the first week of April also. I'm working on, like 4 videos at once right now so please be patient they will all be pretty fucking dank i love you guys goodbye
Whoa, hey guys, I just wanted to say, you should check out my gaming channel it's pretty sweet theres a link right there please check it out that would be great thank you heres a clip
"What do you want, loser? What's in your hand?"
Okay.
"R E V E N G E"
*MURK laughs hysterically*
Adum: He set it up so nicely!
Merk: RERVERNJ
Adum: AHHHHHHH Merk: AHHHHH