♪
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO, MADE YOU
LAUGH.
IF IT MADE YOU LAUGH, THAT MAKES
ME HAPPY.
HAPPY THURSDAY EVERYONE.
WELL, IT’S DAY EIGHT WITHOUT KAT
ON THE SHOW.
AS YOU KNOW SHE’S ON HER
HONEYMOON AND I THINK SHE SENT
US A VIDEO.
>> HEY GREG, I’M STILL ON MY
HONEYMOON I’M IN GERMANY AND I
KNOW I ALWAYS LAUGHED WHEN YOU
TALKED ABOUT ALL THE MOVIES YOU
MADE HERE IN THE 90s.
BUT YOU’RE ACTUALLY SUPER FAMOUS
HERE EVERYBODY TELLS ME HOW MUCH
THEY MISS THEIR DIRTY
HASSELHOFF.
>> Greg: IT’S TRUE IT TOOK ME
THREE YEARS TO GET THE STENCH
OUT.
ANYWAY, DO YOU FEEL YOU’RE BEING
PRIMED FOR SOMETHING, LIKE THE
UFC DOES FOR WEEKS BEFORE THEIR
NEXT BIG PAY PURVIEW.
THE MEDIA TRYING TO GEAR US UP
FOR THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN
BETWEEN BIDEN AND TRUMP.
FIGHTING OUT OF THE RECORD
CORNER WITH A RECORD OF 1-1
STANDING 6’3" 245 POUNDS HAILING
FROM MAR-A-LAGO FLORIDA BY WAY
OF NYC, DONALD THE DISRUPTER
TRUMP.
AND FIGHTING OUT OF THE BLUE
CORNER WITH A RECORD OF 50 YEARS
OF MISTAKES AND TWO YEARS OF
EMBARRASSMENTS, STANDING SIX
FEET TALL NAPPING AT THREE FEET
TALL, AND WEIGHING IN AT 180
POUNDS DEPENDING ON HIS LAST
BOWEL MOVEMENT.
>> Emily: OH, GOD.
>> Greg: JOE THE COMMENTED OLD
CIRCUS MONKEY BIDEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: SEE HOW FAIR AND
BALANCED THAT WAS?
TALK ABOUT A BUILDUP, RIGHT?
YOU’VE GOT JANUARY 6TH THEATER
THEN YOU GOT THE RAID AND ALL
THE PHONEY STORIES THAT
FOLLOWED.
FIRST IT WAS THE NUKE SECRETS,
THEN IT WAS EMPTY FOLDERS.
WHAT’S NEXT?
DID HE TAKE THE OFFICE HOLE
PUNCHER?
>> Emily: OH, MY GOD.
>> Greg: THAT WAS THE NICKNAME
FOR OMAROSA.
OH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT
MEANS.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> Tyrus: SURE YOU DON’T.
>> Greg: I DON’T.
>> Tyrus: OKAY.
>> Greg: THEN CAME JOE’S SPEECH,
FASCISM, CIVIL WAR A BLOOD RED
BACK DROP THAT WOULD GIVE
DRACULA THE WELLIES.
BUT IF YOU FORGOT, HERE’S A
CLIP.
[SCREAMING]
>> Greg: OF COURSE, TRUMP MAKES
A PERFECT DISTRACTION.
IT’S LIKE WHEN CAVUTO WEARS BIKE
SHORTS TO A FUNERAL.
BUT WHEN EVERY METRIC REVEALS
FAILURES OF LEFT WING POLICIES,
WHY WOULDN’T YOU TRY TO DEFLECT
TO THE GUY WHO ATTRACTS CAMERAS
LIKE ME GETTING OUT OF A LIMO IN
A MICRO SKIRT.
YEAH, YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT,
THOUGH.
THAT’S ALL I WANT.
I WANT YOU TO GO HOME, THINK
ABOUT IT.
THEY’RE PRETENDING NOT TO BUT
THE MEDIA WANTS TRUMP BACK.
AND WHY NOT.
LET’S COMPARE THE LAST TWO PRESIDENTS.
>> PUTIN’S ACC, TOCK -- YEAH
KLEP -- HA HA.
>> THAT RUNWAY IS LIKE AN
ICE-SKATING RINK AND THE FIRST
STEP I SAID, YOU KNOW, THIS
SICKER IS SLIPPERY.
I THINK IT WAS PUT IN BY THE
DEMOCRATS.
>> AMERICA’S A NATION THAT CAN
BE DEFINED IN A SINGLE WORLD.
I WAS IN THE FOOT -- EXCUSE ME.
>> I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE SUN IN
MY EYES.
IT’S THESE STUPID LIGHTS, THESE
PEOPLE.
I MEAN WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
>> THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER
VALERIE AND I’M JILL’S HUSBAND.
YOU SWITCHED ON ME.
>> THE LIGHT’S NO GOOD.
I ALWAYS LOOK ORANGE.
AND SO DO YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: NO WONDER THEY MISS THE
GUY SO MAYBE IT’S TIME TO ASK
OURSELVES, DO WE MISS HIM TOO,
RIGHT?
BECAUSE, REMEMBER, HE CAUSES
SERIOUS EMOTIONAL RESPONSES IN
PEOPLE.
HE’S LIKE THE HUMAN VERSION OF
CHASING A CIGARETTE WITH A LARGE
BLACK COFFEE.
YOU KNOW, YOU GET NERVOUS, YOUR
HEART STARTS BEATING AND YOU
START LOOKING FOR A TOILET.
I HAVE FRIENDS THAT CAN’T TALK
ABOUT HIM WITHOUT PHYSICALLY
CHANGING. JUST CHECK OUT MY NEIGHBOR STEVE
JUST CHECK OUT MY NEIGHBOR STEVE
WHEN I MENTION TRUMP.
>> Greg:.
>> Greg: I IMAGINE THIS IS HOW
MY EXES FEEL WHENEVER THEY SEE
ME ON TV.
IT’S OKAY, WE ALL WON.
BUT THIS IS WHAT I TELL --
[LAUGHTER].
>> Emily: THAT MADE NO SENSE.
>> Greg: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT
IT MEANS AGAIN.
BUT THIS IS WHAT I TELL NEVER
TRUMPERS.
NO ONE SAYS YOU HAVE TO LIKE THE
PERSON WHO WORKS FOR YOU.
AND WHEN TRUMP’S PRESIDENT HE’S
WORKING FOR YOU, JUST LIKE A
DOCTOR, A GAR BEIGE MAN, OR, IF
YOU’RE HUNTER, A HOOKER.
TRUMP’S OUR NATION’S WAITER.
HI MY NAME’S DONALD I WILL NOW
BE YOUR SERVER TONIGHT, THIS
EVENING’S SPECIAL ARE LAW AND
ORDER, BUILDING A WALL AND
LAUGHING AT THE LOSERS AND
HATERS.
FACT IS PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOUR
LIFE BETTER CAN SUCK.
IF I NEED TO UNDERGO EMERGENCY
SURGERY I DON’T NEED TO LIKE THE
DOCTOR.
I’LL TAKE THE GREAT DOCTOR WHO’S
AN A HOLE OVER THE NICE ONE WHO
FORGETS TO TAKE OUT THE RIGHT
KIDNEY.
SO YEAH I’LL TAKE DR. JEBBINGLE
OVER DOCTOR JILL.
AFTER ALL, ONE’S FICTIONAL AND
THE OTHER’S DOCTOR JEBBINGLE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> Greg: THAT WAS FUNNY.
SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE TEND TO BE
RELENTLESS AND RUDE, RIGHT?
>> NO, NO.
>> Greg: AND IF PEOPLE HATE
TRUMP THAT’S GOOD BECAUSE
CHANCES ARE THEY HATE HIM
BECAUSE HE REALLY WORKS FOR YOU
AND MAKES THEM WORK HARD, TOO.
PLUS HE SCARES PEOPLE.
IS THAT SO BAD.
I WANT MY DOCTOR, LAWYER, AGENT,
AS TROLL GIST TO BE FEARED
BECAUSE THAT MEANS THEY DON’T
TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
IF YOU’RE A PRO ATHLETE COME
CONTRACT NEGOTIATION TIME, DO
YOU WANT DON KNOTS OR DON
RICKLES?
TRUMP MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PRICK
WHEN HE WAS OUT FOR HIMSELF BUT
WHEN HE TRANSFERRED THAT ENERGY
TO US, WELL, THAT’S MAGIC.
THINK ABOUT WHY BIDEN’S BEEN
AROUND FOREVER.
HE’S NOT LOOKING FOR YOU, HE WAS
ALWAYS OUT FOR HIMSELF.
HE DIDN’T LEAD.
HE CUT SELF-SERVING DEALS THE
WAY HIS SON CUTS LINES OF COKE.
THICK.
BUT WHAT DID TRUMP USED TO SAY?
>> I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU
DOWN.
>> I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU
DOWN.
>> I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN.
>> I WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN, I
PROMISE YOU THAT.
>> Greg: SO WHY DID HE MEAN
THAT?
IT’S BECAUSE OF THE DESIRES FOR
HIS SUCCESS MAPPED DIRECTLY ONTO
YOURS.
BUT TO NEVER TRUMPERS HE FEELS
LIKE THEIR SCARIEST BOSS.
WELL, BEHIND KAMALA.
BUT THEIR ERROR, THEIR MISTAKE
IS ASSUMING THEY’RE BEHOLDEN TO
TRUMP WHEN IT’S THE OPPOSITE.
HE’S NOT YOUR BOSS HE WORKS FOR
YOU AND YOU WANT A MONSTER LIKE
HIM WORKING FOR YOU AT ALL
TIMES.
OF COURSE THERE IS A PRICE.
HE’S LIKE MIKE TYSON.
THERE WAS NOTHING LIKE HIM IN
THE RING BUT SOMETHING SO
RELENTLESS CAN’T BE TURNED OFF.
THE FIGHT GOES ON AFTER THE BELL
IS RUNNING LIKE AFTER AN
ELECTION.
WHEN THE BELL RUNNING TRUMP KEPT
FIGHTING.
THAT’S PART OF THE DEAL SORRY.
SO DO YOU WANT SOME ENERGY
MONSTER ON YOUR SIDE SORE SOME
BLACK SLAPPING SEEMINGLY
CONGENIAL BUREAUCRAT WHO WILL
TELL YOU TO RELAX WHEN YOUR GAS
BILL DOUBLES AND YOU CAN’T
AFFORD MEAT.
IN A FEW MONTHS JOE WILL CHANGE
THE DEFINITION OF FOOD AND FORCE
YOU TO EAT BUGS.
SO UNLESS YOU NEED A FOURTH FOR
SHUFFLEBOARD, YOU DON’T NEED
JOE.
THAT’S THE CHOICE.
THE BRAINLESS NAPPING MUTT YOU
HAVE NOW OR THE PIT BULL WAITING
IN THE WINGS.
I’D SAY YOU NEED THE DOG THE
MEDIA HATES BECAUSE HE WON’T DO
WHAT THEY SAY HE DOES WHAT YOU
SAY.
SURE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THIS
PIT BULL IS GOING TO TAKE A DUMP
ON THE RUG [LAUGHTER].
>> Greg: BUT THAT’S ALL HE HAS
IN COMMON WITH BIDEN.
♪
>> PERIOD!
♪
>> Greg: LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS.
SHE TRADED CHEERLEADING FOR LAW
BECAUSE THERE’S WAY LESS
SPELLING.
OUTNUMBERED COHOST EMILY
COMPAGNO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: HE’S APPEARED ON MORE
PANELS THAN PRESSURE TREATED
PLYWOOD.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR AND
WASHINGTON TIMES OPINION EDITOR
CHARLIE HURTS SO GOOD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> Greg: THIS SCHOOL CHOICE
ACTIVIST PUTS BAD TEACHERS IN
DETENTION, SENIOR FELLOW FOR THE
AMERICAN FEDERATION FOR
CHILDREN, COREY DeANGELIS.
>> AND HE MAKES HERCULES
QUESTION HIS MASCULINITY, MY
MASSIVE SIDE KICK AND THE NWA
WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION TYRUS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE].
>> Greg: CHARLIE I WANT TO GO TO
YOU FIRST, I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF
EMILY.
I ALWAYS TRY WHEN I HAVE THESE
CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE THAT
ARE JUST SCARED, YOU KNOW,
[BLEEP] OF TRUMP RETURNING, I GO
IF YOU JUST REFRAME HIM FROM
BEING A DANGEROUS ARROGANT
MONSTER TO BEING YOUR DANGEROUS
AIR GANTT MONSTER, THEN HE
BECOMES LIKE THE BEST PRESIDENT
EVER.
YOU KNOW HE’S LIKE HAVING A BIG
GIANT DOBERMAN ON A CHAIN THAT
YOU CAN BARELY CONTROL, YOU
KNOW?
>> Charlie: HE’S LIKE YOUR
PLUMBER, YOU DON’T WANT A CLEAN
PLUMBER, YOU WANT A PLUMBER THAT
GETS THE PLUMBING, FIXES THE
PROBLEM.
>> Greg: YOU WANT A DIRTY
PLUMBER.
[LAUGHTER] A BIG DIRTY PLUMBER.
>> Charlie: WHY DID I SAY
PLUMBER.
>> Tyrus: UH-UH YOU SAILED THIS
SHIP ON YOUR OWN.
>> Charlie: ALL RIGHT A
BODYGUARD, YOU WANT A BODYGUARD
AND HE’S MORE LIKE A BODYGUARD.
>> Greg: A DIRTY BODYGUARD?
DIRTY, REALLY DIRTY SHIRTLESS
MAYBE?
MIKE ROWE, COULD MY BODYGUARD BE
MIKE ROWE?
>> Charlie: UNCLE I GIVE UP.
>> Greg: I’M SORRY KEEP GOING.
I APOLOGIZE.
>> Charlie: NO, BUT IT’S REALLY
IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE TRUTH, YOU
KNOW, THEY CALL HIM AN EXTREMIST
AND THE REASON THEY CALL HIM AN
EXTREMIST BECAUSE HE’S THE LEAST
EXTREME PRESIDENT WE’VE EVER HAD
AND BOTH PARTIES ARE TERRIFIED
OF HIM OBVIOUSLY MORE SO
DEMOCRATS THAN REPUBLICANS, BUT
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, DONALD
TRUMP IS THE MOST UNIFYING
PRESIDENT WE HAVE EVER HAD WHEN
IT COMES TO THE ISSUES.
IF YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE
BORDER, IF YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT
ENERGY INDEPENDENCE OR TALKING
ABOUT THE ECONOMY, 60, 70, 80,
90% OF AMERICANS AGREE WITH HIM
ON THOSE ISSUES.
BUT, BECAUSE OF HIS STYLE AND
BECAUSE THE MEDIA HAS SO
DISTORTED SO MUCH ABOUT HIS --
THE ISSUES, THEY’VE BEEN ABLE TO
PORTRAY HIM AS THIS.
AND IT’S A COMPLETE LIE.
IT’S A TOTAL LIE.
AND IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST FOCUS
ON THE ISSUES AND SAY, HE’S THE
PLUMBER THAT’S GOING TO FIX THE
PROBLEM OR THE BODYGUARD THAT’S
GOING TO FIX THE PROBLEM, HE’S
LIKE AN 80% GUY.
>> Greg: YEAH, EXACTLY AND THE
PROBLEM IS THERE’S THAT 20 --
THE EMOTIONAL COMPONENT.
AND IT’S LIKE I ACTUALLY HAVE
FRIENDS THAT ADMIT IT’S AN
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE, RIGHT?
SO I ALWAYS SAY EMILY HE’S LIKE
A 3 HOUR DRIVE TO AN HOUR AT THE
BEACH, RIGHT?
IT’S EXPENSIVE TO GET WHAT YOU
WANT WITH TRUMP.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, YOUNG
LADY?
>> Emily: YEAH, I THINK, YOU
KNOW, YOU CAN SERVE AND LEAD AT
THE SAME TIME.
AND THAT’S WHAT WE SAW IN
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
AND THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT
WE’RE SEEING IN PRESIDENT BIDEN.
AND I FEEL THAT SO DEEPLY
BECAUSE I WAS A FEDERAL ATTORNEY
FOR SO LONG THAT I NEVER LOST
SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT ITCHES A STEWARD OF EVERYONE’S MONEY AND
STEWARD OF EVERYONE’S MONEY AND
MY SALARY AND TIME AND WHAT NOT
STEWART IS.
>> Emily: FLIGHT ATTENDANT OF
EVERYONE’S TIME AND MONEY AND I
DON’T FORGET THAT.
>> CAN’T SAY THAT.
>> Emily: I DON’T FORGET TO
PRESIDENT BIDEN WE ARE THE
ENEMY.
TO PRESIDENT BIDEN THE ONLY
REASON TRUMP IS NOW BACK IN HIS
CROSS HAIRS BECAUSE SOMEHOW
WHOEVER RIGHTS HIS SPEECHES HAS
MOVED ON FROM THE AVERAGE
AMERICAN THAT FLIES THE FLAG IN
THEIR FRONT YARD AND CARES ABOUT
THEIR CHILDREN’S EDUCATION AND
CARES ABOUT POLICY AND CRIME
BEING DIMINISHED AND CITIES
BEING SAFE AND THE BORDER BEING
SECURE, THOSE WERE THE ENEMY
BEFORE.
AND I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THAT.
AND ALL OF THE INDEPENDENTS
HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THAT EITHER
BECAUSE THOSE POLLS STILL
REFLECT THAT INDEPENDENCE, IN
DROVES, ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR
THE GOP IN NOVEMBER.
SO THEY CAN PUT THE RED
BACKGROUNDS ALL THEY WANT, THEY
CAN BECOME CARRIE PART TWO BUT
NO ONE’S GOING TO FORGET THEY
WERE THE ONES AT THE TOP OF
BIDEN’S ENEMY LIST BEFORE HE
CIRCLED BACK TO PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> Greg: NOT BAD FOR A
STEWARDESS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: COREY SHOULD YOU BE
>> Corey: CAN I BE A STEWARDESS,
TOO?
>> Tyrus: YES, YOU CAN.
>> Corey: I IDENTIFY AS A
STEWARDESS.
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO.
>> Tyrus: CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
WATER
>> Corey: ARE YOU APPLYING.
>> Greg: DO YOU GET PARANOID
THAT THE DEMS WANT TRUMP BECAUSE
THEY CAN BEAT HIM THEY REALLY
WANT HIM TO GO UP AGAINST BIDEN.
>> Tyrus: I THINK JOE BIDEN
WANTS TO BE MORE LIKE TRUMP AND
WHEN YOU LOOK AT HIS
INDEPENDENCE DAY SPEECH, EMILY
REFERENCED THE SPEECH WRITERS, I
THINK WE’VE BEEN DUPED THAT THE
SPEECH WRITERS ARE ACTUALLY
UNDERCOVER AGENTS FOR THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAUSE IT WAS
SO FAR OUT THERE, HIS
INDEPENDENCE DAY SPEECH WITH THE
RED BEHIND HIM THE MARINES
BEHIND HIM.
SO DIVISIVE.
AND SO FUNNY COMING FROM THE MAN
WHO RAN ON BEING THE UNIFIER OF
THE COUNTRY, HE’S TAKEN QUITE
THE OPPOSITE TURN AND IT WON’T
WORK OUT FOR HIM IN NOVEMBER.
>> Greg: I WILL SAY IT IS
EFFECTIVE TYRUS BECAUSE THERE’S
SOME POLLING THAT SHOWS THAT
MAGA IS SCARY TO THEM.
DO YOU THINK THAT BIDEN’S GOING
TO FACE HIM?
>> Tyrus: I DON’T KNOW IF
BIDEN’S GOING TO FACE ANYONE.
YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT BE LAYING ON
THE GROUND WHILE EVERYONE IS
RUNNING.
HERE’S THE THING, IF YOU TURNED
OFF YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA AND MAIN
STREAM MEDIA FOR A MONTH WHEN
PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS IN OFFICE,
YOU WOULD SEE THAT YOUR CHECK
WAS BETTER, YOUR BILLS WERE
BETTER AND YOUR NEIGHBORHOODS
WERE SAFE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Tyrus: AS SOON AS YOU TURNED
ON THE TV THAT’S WHEN THE
HYSTERIA STARTED BECAUSE WHAT
WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP’S BIGGEST
PROBLEM?
HE WAS UNCORRUPTIBLE BECAUSE HE
HAD IT ALREADY.
HE DIDN’T NEED THEIR MONEY.
HE DIDN’T NEED THEIR INFLUENCE.
AND HAD NO PROBLEM PUTTING THEM
ON BLAST.
LET’S REMEMBER, AT ONE POINT HE
WAS A DEMOCRAT WHO WAS CUTTING
CHECKS FOR WHO?
DEMOCRATS?
SO WHO KNOWS HIM BETTER THAN THE
GUY CUTTING CHECKS FOR THEM, HE
DID.
AND THAT WAS THE ISSUE.
SO IF YOU DIDN’T LOOK AT THE
FIRST-WORLD HYSTERIA, HIS DEEDS
WERE PRETTY GOOD.
THE PROBLEM WAS, WITH THE PIT
BULL, IS TRUMP IS PROBABLY THE
GREATEST WORST FIRST RESPONDER
OF ALL TIMES.
AS SOON AS YOU THROW SHADE HE’S
COMING BACK AT YOU.
THEY THROUGH A DIS HE WOULD
FIGHT BACK.
SO THAT WOULD BE WHAT EVERYONE
SAW AND WE WOULD FORGET ABOUT
THE DEEDS.
NOW WE MISS THE DEEDS BECAUSE --
NOT JUST THE GASOLINE PRICES AND
THIS IS HOW THEY GET US.
THEY BROUGHT THEM DOWN A DOLLAR
BUT EVERYONE WHO GOT AN ELECTRIC
BILL SAW IT MAKE UP THE
DIFFERENCE WHEN YOUR ELECTRIC
BILL IS DOUBLE OR QUADRUPLE BUT
THEY BROUGHT IT DOWN.
THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE.
IF HE WASN’T SUCH A FIRST
RESPONDER.
WHO KNOWS, MAYBE PUT A LITTLE