Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm your host for the week, Al Franken.
I'm the-- I'm the ninth guest host so far
and the first white male guest host.
Feel free to applaud.
[applause]
We got a great show for you tonight.
My friend, Senator Lindsey Graham, is joining me.
Yeah.
So let's get into the headlines.
[music playing]
You know, last week, I was thinking,
there's not going to be much news when I host.
But oh, boy, it's going to be an exciting week.
If former President Trump is correct,
we are on the verge of something
unprecedented in American history,
a former US President arraigned before a judge
facing criminal charges.
REPORTER: Over the weekend, Trump
claimed he will be arrested tomorrow, indicted
by Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg for charges
related to hush money payments he made
to porn star Stormy Daniels.
The only person saying that Donald Trump will be arrested
tomorrow is Donald Trump.
And Trump's own spokesperson says
that they have not been notified
of any pending arrests.
REPORTER: Over the weekend, the former president spent
his time on his social media platform,
Truth Social, urging his supporters
to protest and, quote, "take our nation back."
That's right.
According to Donald Trump himself,
Donald Trump may actually be indicted this week!
[cheers]
And-- and I've got just one thing to say about that--
finally!
And you know what the best thing about it is?
It's happening right here in the greatest city
on the planet, New York City!
[cheers and applause]
Wow.
This is easy.
You guys are great.
Aren't you great?
Aren't you a great audience?
Aren't you the best?
[cheers and applause]
Oh, god.
God, they love me.
And I got to say, who would have
ever thought that Donald Trump would be
brought down by a porn star?
All of us, right?
It was pretty-- pretty predictable.
But yeah, Donald Trump paid Stormy Daniels
to keep this story quiet.
And here we are, still talking about it seven years later.
So that would be another failed Trump business venture.
Now, if Donald Trump does get arrested,
he'll have to go through the normal procedure,
the perp walk, the fingerprinting, and of course,
"the mug shot."
I certainly hope that the booking officer is respectful
and doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to play
some, you know, stupid joke.
Mr. President, does-- this will be your mug shot.
So I'm going to snap the photo on the count of three,
OK, Mr. President?
One, here we go.
One, two, hit the wind machine!
Three!
Now, as you saw, Trump asked his supporters
to come out and protest.
And they're already coming up with some fun ideas.
Apparently, some Trump fans are talking about preventing
Trump's arrest by forming a so-called "Patriot moat"
around Mar-a-Lago.
And I have to ask, who are these people who can just
leave whatever they're doing to go physically
protect Donald Trump?
Nurse, you have to find someone else
to finish the brain surgery.
The president has summoned me to Mar-a-Lago
to be a human moat for him.
Of course, many Republican officials are also
coming to Trump's defense.
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham,
who will be on the show in a little while,
and even Mike Pence appeared on the noose--
sorry, sorry, the news.
[applause]
They appeared on the news to speak up for Trump.
But one person who was conspicuously quiet
all weekend is Trump's chief rival for the 2024 election,
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
And Trump will put a lot of pressure
on him to rally to Trump's defense.
So today, he finally did in just
a bit of a backhanded way.
I don't know what goes into paying hush money
to a porn star to secure silence over some type
of alleged affair.
I just-- I can't speak to that.
But what I can speak to is that if you have a prosecutor who
is ignoring crimes happening every single day
in his jurisdiction and he chooses to go back
many, many years ago to try to use something about porn star
hush money payments, you know, that's
an example of pursuing a political agenda.
Did I mentioned that this whole thing was
about porn star hush money?
Because it's about porn star hush money, just to be clear--
porn star hush money.
[applause]
DeSantis has it all.
Let's move on to some international news
because Donald Trump isn't the only leader
facing indictment this week.
His best friend was also indicted.
The extraordinary announcement
today about Russia's leader, Vladimir Putin.
The International Criminal Court at The Hague
issued an arrest warrant for the Russian president for war
crimes, implicating him in the abduction
of thousands of Ukrainian children during the war.
Ukraine's president hailed the move as a historic decision.
But the charges are largely symbolic.
VLADIMIR DUTHIERS: Over the weekend,
Putin made an unannounced visit to a city
that Russia seized from Ukraine last year
after a brutal battle.
REPORTER: In a surprise visit, President Putin drove himself
through Russian-occupied Mariupol Saturday,
inspecting newly built facilities in what's believed
to be his closest tour to the front lines
of this war he started.
That's right.
Charged with war crimes, Putin thought
it best to get out of town until things cooled down.
So he packed the bag and took off to Mariupol,
one of the cities in Ukraine that his army destroyed.
He walked around, saw the sights,
and shook a lot of hands.
The hands were in a big pile on the edge of town.
Putin then laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown
Russian Soldier Who Had No Idea Why the [bleep] He Was There.
For more on the war, let's go live to Ukraine
with Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.
Yeah, what's going on?
Roy-- Roy, where are you at this moment?
Al, I'm near the front lines, and it
has been nonstop shelling.
The conditions are brutal.
Last week, the Russians destroyed
the water treatment plant.
So I had to shit in my helmet.
And I still had to wear it the next day.
They only give you one helmet.
Uh-huh.
You know, I've been thinking a lot--
I've been thinking a lot about this.
I'm actually thinking of coming over.
Coming over where?
Coming over here?
Al, with all due respect, brother, battlefield reporting
is not for 71-year-old comedians.
Leave that to me and Richard Engel
from NBC, who, by the way, was the one who
told me to poop in my helmet.
I found out later I could have just shit on the ground.
Engel's a liar.
You just shit on the ground. It's war.
You can shit where you want.
That's well known about Engle.
Roy, maybe I'm not being clear.
I don't want to report on the war.
I want to fight.
What?
The fighting is the worst part of war.
It goes fighting then small talk with Sean Penn.
Why do you want to fight?
Roy, I was born too late to fight in World War II.
And there was no way I was going to go to Vietnam,
and Iraq, and Afghanistan.
No, thank you.
I've been looking for a good war my whole life.
So Ukraine may just be the cause
that I'm willing to risk it all for,
even if it means a hero's death.
[claps]
[applause]
Why they clapping for you in the studio, man?
Them people trying to get you killed.
Look, let me give it to you straight, Al.
You need it straight.
I know what you're going to say.
You're proud of me.
But I should first make out a will.
You don't already have a will?
You 71.
Jesus.
What I was going to say is that we don't
need thrill-seekers over here.
Oh, you know what?
I take offense with that.
I'm not a thrill-seeking--
I merely want the thrill of standing shoulder-to-shoulder
with the brave fighting men and women of the Ukraine
to repel the invaders.
God, that would be thrilling.
You?
You gonna stand shoulder-to-shoulder
to the men and women--
Al, don't take this the wrong way,
but-- but physically, you look like the kind of dude
that if you was on the subway, a pregnant woman
would give you her seat.
Respectfully.
What's-- what's the right way to take that?
Roy, you don't know anything about me.
I could withstand any--
[explosion]
Jesus!
Whoa!
That-- that was close.
Yeah, close to me.
Al, this is a regular occurrence over here.
This is war. - OK.
OK.
Maybe I could just do something like help
evacuate the wounded.
Oh, yeah, well, do you have any medical training?
Well, I just had my fourth colonoscopy.
You know, it's-- it's important to do that regularly.
[explosion]
Jesus!
Same old thing.
We good.
Everybody good?
OK, maybe-- maybe you have a point, Roy.
Perhaps I can help Ukraine by, you know, I don't know,
doing a hard-hitting episode about the war on my podcast?
You--
[applause]
What's wrong with them people in the studio?
Why are they clapping all the time for you, Al?
You think you can help the war effort by talking about it
for two hours on a podcast?
Two hours?
Well, not two hours straight.
You have to do a lot of ads to monetize a popular podcast
like The Al Franken Podcast.
You know what? You know what?
I changed my mind.
Come on over here.
Bring your ass on over here.
I can get you on the front lines tomorrow.
I got to run.
I got to go do something.
Fantastic.
Roy Wood, Jr., everyone.