LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
IT'S MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL'S OPENING DAY.
AND BEFORE ANYONE COULD EVEN STEAL A BASE, A VALUABLE PIECE
OF BASEBALL MEMORABILIA HAS ALREADY BEEN STOLEN.
I BELIEVE YOU SAW THIS ON SATURDAY, TWO THIEVES ROBBED THE
MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION OFFICE IN SAN FRANCISCO.
OH, I KNOW.
AND THEY MADE OFF WITH A SCOOTER SIGNED BY SAN FRANCISCO GIANT
HUNTER PENCE, RIGHT.
YOU WHOOPED, YEAH.
DID YOU STEAL IT?
(LAUGHTER) HERE'S THE THING, THIS ISN'T
EVEN THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.
THE MAKE A WISH OFFICE HAS BEEN ROBBED TWICE NOW, RIGHT.
I THINK SOMEONE NEEDS TO WISH FOR A WORKING LOCK.
(LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE
SHOULD TELL THESE BURGLARS THAT IT REALLY IS JUST AN OFFICE
BUILDING.
THEY DON'T KEEP ACTUAL WISHES IN THERE.
(LAUGHTER) SO IT IS NOT A MAIJ MAGICAL
FILING CABINET FULL OF TRIPS TO DISNEYLAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I I'M SAYING, THERE ISN'T.
JOHNNY DEPP ISN'T JUST SITTING THERE IN THE CORNER DRESSED AS
CAPTAIN JACK SPAR OWE IN CASE A KID POPS IN FOR A VISIT.
I MEAN HE MIGHT BE, I'VE NEVER BEEN.
BUT THE ONLY WAY THESE THIEVES WOULDN'T BE TERRIBLE IS IF
SOMEONE SICK KID WAS LIKE I WISH SOMEONE WOULD ROB THE MAKE A
WISH FOUNDATION.
BUT THIS ISN'T THE ONLY CHILDISH CRIME IN THE NEWS RIGHT NOW.
BECAUSE A MAN IN NEW ORLEANS COULD BE FACING A LIFE SENTENCE
FOR STEALING $31 WORTH OF CANDY FROM A DRUG STORE.
RIGHT?
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
THIS IS DUE TO LOUISIANA'S REPEAT OFFENDER LAW, RIGHT.
BECAUSE HE'S HAD PREVIOUS CONVICTIONS FOR SHOPLIFTING AT
RITE AID AND BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, RIGHT.
I WANT TO SAY, FIRST OF ALL, IF STEALING CANDY IS THIS ILLEGAL,
12 YEAR OLD ME SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW.
BUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION SEEMS RIDICULOUS.
BECAUSE IN THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF 2016 THERE WERE 31
MURDERS IN NEW ORLEANS.
BUT THIS GUY THEY CAUGHT.
RIGHT?
MAYBE TAKE SOME OF THE COPS FROM THE CANDY UNIT AND PUT THEM ON
MURDER PATROL.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
IT'S CRAZY.
IT SEEMS SO NUTS.
BUT I FEEL FOR THIS GUY.
LIKE THAT HAS GOT TO BE A TOUGH CONVERSATION ONCE YOU'RE IN
PRISON.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M MEAN.
YEAH, I'M IN FOR ARMED ROBBERY AND ARSON WATCH.
BUT.
U M, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THE NEW PEANUT BUTTER TWIX?
DO YOU KNOW, LET'S JUST SKIP TO THE PART WHERE I'M YOUR
GIRLFRIEND.
THAT WILL BE EASIER.
BUT HE HASN'T BEEN CONVICTED YET.
(APPLAUSE) HE HASN'T BEEN CONVICTED YET.
AND THIS GUY IS JUST HOPING THE JUDGE IN THE TRIAL GIVES HIM A
BREAK.
GIVES HIM A BREAK, BREAKS HIM OFF A PIECE OF THAT KIT KAT BAR.
THANKS.
BUT THE TRUTH IS JUDGING BY THE NEWS, IT SEEMS LIKE THERE IS A
CRIME WAVE, BUT DON'T WORRY, HELP IS ON THE WAY.
BECAUSE RECENTLY IN ENGLAND TWO CRIMINALS WERE FOILED BY A GROUP
OF KIDS ON AN EASTER EGG HUNT.
AND WHAT THEY DID, COMPLETELY TRUE, THEY FORMED A HUMAN ARROW
IN A FIELD TO SHOW A POLICE HELICOPTER WHICH WAY THE ROBBERS
HAD RUN.
(LAUGHTER) RIGHT?
I MEAN I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, THAT IS THE NERDIEST THING I
HAVE EVER SEEN A GROUP OF CHILDREN DO.
AND BEAR IN MIND THAT I WAS A MUSICAL THEATER KID.
BUT THEY ARE SO GOOD.
LOOK AT THAT PICTURE AGAIN.
THEY ARE SO GOOD AT MAKING THE ARROW.
HOW DID THEY EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THIS?
THEY ARE LIKE GUYS, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE BEEN PRACTICING FOR.
GET DOWN.
OH NO.
HE TURNED SLIGHTLY LEFT.
CORRECT 30 DEGREES.
IN THE END, THESE KIDS SHOWED GREAT BRAVERY ALTHOUGH HONESTLY
I DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL THEM THAT THERE IS A MUCH EASIER
WAY TO MAKE A HUMAN ARROW STAT.
HE WENT THAT WAY.
LOOK.
ALL AROUND.