It is a big night.
The SAG strike is over.
[cheering, applause]
Which means Hollywood can finally
get back to what they do best-- turning your children gay.
Well, we've got a great show for you
tonight, so let's get right into the big election news
with The Daily Show's Doomocracy 2024.
[fanfare]
The presidential election is less than a year away.
Can you even believe it?
I know.
I'm so excited, I wish I was dead.
And last night was a big night for Republican candidates.
First, the frontrunner, Donald Trump,
took a break from his 6,000 criminal trials
to speak at a rally in Florida where he made
up a very touching moment.
Every time the radical-left Democrats,
Marxists, communists, and fascists indict me--
they indicted me!
Can you believe?
My father and mother are looking down.
Son, how did that happen?
We're so proud of you, son.
How did that happen?
Um--
[laughter]
Couple of quick corrections.
They never said they were proud of him,
and they were definitely not looking down.
[cheering, applause]
By the way, am I crazy, or is Donald Trump's face melting
and congealing all at once?
I mean, it was always weird, but now,
it's so, like, sweaty and golden, you know?
Like, you know how in cartoons, Bugs Bunny would be hungry,
and suddenly, someone's face would turn into a chicken leg?
He's right there, you know?
I'm starving.
But while Trump was dealing with his daddy issues,
the rest of the GOP field was down the road
at a primary debate, and things got pretty
fiery right off the bat between Vivek
Ramaswamy and Nikki Haley.
REPORTER: Ramaswamy repeatedly going after Nikki Haley.
Do you want a leader from a different generation
who's going to put this country first, or do you want
Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels?
NIKKI HALEY: Yes, I'd first like
to say they are 5-inch heels, and I don't wear
'em unless you can run in 'em.
REPORTER: When asked whether they
would support a ban on TikTok, the attacks
quickly turned personal.
Well, her own daughter was actually
using the app for a long time, so you might want to take
care of your family first.
Leave my daughter out of your voice.
--daughter.
The next generation of Americans are using,
and that's actually the point.
You have her supporters propping her up.
That's fine. Here's the truth.
You're just scum.
The easy answer--
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
Wow, that was so many petty insults.
Donald Trump may not have been there,
but I believe he was looking down at them and saying,
I am so proud of you.
[cheering, applause]
To be fair, Vivek Ramaswamy is really annoying.
I mean, I have to admit, he does have big-dick energy,
but it's only because he's a huge dick.
I mean, Nikki Haley was America's top diplomat
at the United Nations.
She literally kept her cool with the worst
dictators in the world.
And eight minutes on stage with Vivek, and she's like,
you are [bleep] scum.
He is so insufferable.
He should just lean into it, you know?
He should say, make me president so I can
annoy our enemies for America.
Like, he'll have one meeting with Vladimir Putin,
and 20 minutes later, Putin will
mysteriously kill himself.
He'll be like, excuse me.
I must accidentally fall out window now.
Now, it wasn't just bickering last night.
There was also a lot of substance.
The candidates disagreed on whether to keep giving aid
to Ukraine, on whether abortion should be left up
to the states, and on whether it's
possible to be 45 years old and still not know how to smile.
[laughter]
But one thing that almost all the candidates agreed on
is being horny for war.
I would be telling Bibi, finish
the job once and for all with these butchers, Hamas.
NIKKI HALEY: The first thing I said to him when it happened
was, I said, finish them.
Finish them.
I would tell President Biden with great clarity.
You have to strike in Iran.
If we are going to deter China from invading Taiwan,
the only way we're going to do it
is to make sure that they don't know
whether how many nuclear submarines from the United
States of America are ready to strike on them if they
decide to move on Taiwan.
I am going to send troops to our southern border.
If someone in the drug cartels is sneaking fentanyl
across the border when I'm president, that's going
to be the last thing they do.
We're going to shoot 'em stone-cold dead.
I wear heels.
They're not for a fashion statement.
They're for ammunition.
Your heels are ammunition?
Where do you buy those things, Foot Glocker?
[laughter]
Whatever, it's my last day.
[cheering, applause]
It doesn't deserve applause.
It was a terrible joke.
But it really seems like these people
only know how to do one thing.
Their solution is always war.
Meanwhile, we need shit fixed here.
Do we need to convince you that, like,
Iran is putting potholes in the streets for you to fix them?
Like, oh, no, North Korea is aiming a missile
at affordable health care.
But look, the debate wasn't all about fighting and war.
In fact, it ended with a surprising romantic twist.
One more fun thing--
and we haven't seen this before--
Tim Scott's girlfriend, Mindy, was on the stage
at the end of the debate.
We got to see her for the first time.
The reporters asked, is this the girlfriend?
He said, yes, and they've been dating for about a year.
So that mystery is over.
And he took her up on stage, took a couple of pictures.
And there's Mindy, Tim Scott's girlfriend.
There you go.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Man, you know, you look for love your whole life,
and you finally find it with a respectable-looking woman
just two months before the Iowa caucus.
I mean, what are the odds?
[cheering, applause]
He should have just-- he really should have just proposed
right there, got down on one knee like, Mindy,
would you make my campaign manager the happiest
man alive?
It's just too bad for Tim that he
had to get this non-union actor to play his girlfriend.
I mean, if he had just waited one more day for the strike
to end, he could have gotten a professional actor
fake girlfriend.
Honestly, why do we make Tim Scott have to do this?
Why can't a single guy be president?
I mean, are they worried that the Oval Office is
going to be full of, like, Fight Club posters
and piss bottles?
For more analysis of last night's debate,
we sent not one but two-- two-- correspondents
to report on it.
So let's go to Desi Lydic and Dulcé Sloan.
[cheering, applause]
OK, Desi, you're in the spin room.
And Dulcé, I think we sent you to the debate hall?
[laughs] No!
Why would I go on an all-expenses-paid trip
to Miami, and then go to the debate?
Girl, no, I'm trying to live.
Ha, ha!
I was at a bar, eating stone crabs,
doing body shots off of Pitbull!
Oh, my god.
Dulcé, that's so funny.
I was at a bar doing shots off Pitbull.
Ooh.
Are you guys sure it was Pitbull?
No.
20%?
No.
But he was bald and Cuban, so daddy!
Yeah, but we did just watch the debate
five minutes ago on double speed, so ask us anything.
Great.
So first question to both of you-- who won the debate?
Easy.
Ramaswamy.
To be that annoying on stage without getting
punched in the face-- that is a win.
Respectfully, I disagree.
The real winner last night was Ron DeSantis.
For this serial killer to go the whole debate
without turning someone into a skin suit, I'm impressed.
He is a lot of things, but I do not
think he's a serial killer.
Oh, so that's just him?
OK.
Moving on-- thoughts on Tim Scott and his girlfriend?
I don't like it, Sarah.
Going official at a presidential debate
is too much pressure on a girl.
I had a guy run for president once just to impress me,
and I was like, how about you win an actual state first,
then you can take me to Red Lobster, Dennis Kucinich?
I don't know who that is.
Um-- and look, I love seeing this sequel to Get Out.
But I don't care if he is a senator.
Any 58-year-old man who's never been married is not a catch.
He's a liability.
It's like one of those couches that's been left on the curb.
You know, like, it might look good,
but he's got bedbugs and all kinds of stuff in him.
You got to think twice before you sit on him!
OK.
[cheering, applause]
So what's the big takeaway from the night?
Well, honestly, for me, I was impressed by the diversity
on that stage.
You had all kinds of people coming together
to advocate for total war.
You had a Black man, a South Asian woman,
a South Asian man, a short king, and a piece of shit
from New Jersey.
Now, my takeaway--
I'm accustomed to a president of a certain age, you know.
None of these candidates were old enough for the job.
You know, I could see them climbing
stairs, riding a bike.
They can probably chew solid food.
Ugh, that's not my president.
No.
When I look at a president, I want to think, ooh,
are we going to have to call a priest?
OK, final question-- do you think
this debate will move the needle
for any of these candidates? - No.
- No, no. - Definitely not.
This ain't good.
This ain't good at all.
No.
No, their greatest hope is to maybe get a new awful nickname
from Donald Trump.
Because that would prove that he knows who they are.
Something like, uh, I don't know, Tricky Nikki Haley,
or "Going to Die Alone" Tim Scott.
Why even have the debate then?
Oh, because the actors were still on strike.
We needed something new to watch.
I mean, it was either this bullshit
or the Golden Bachelor.
Ugh.
Ain't nobody trying to see that weird ass man talk
to them funny-looking women.
Mm-mm.
Well, great coverage as always,
Desi Lydic and Dulcé Sloan.
[cheering, applause]