- Another thing I wish I would have known.
The pain is gonna hit you after
at times you may not expect it to.
(light serene music)
- So we got married in 2011.
And we were like, we're just gonna take the normal
one year of just enjoying marriage.
And then we're gonna start having a family.
And we had no idea what was ahead of us.
First date ever. - It was our first date.
- How cute were we?
Alex was so blonde and I was so young and skinny.
I mean we were starry eyed, we were young
and we were just in love and we said,
we're gonna just charge whatever mountain
and whatever hill with reckless abandon,
in love, holding hands, and we're just
gonna have the best life ever.
Being married to Alex has been an absolute blessing.
She's so sweet and compassionate and tender.
- Love you.
I remember telling our friends,
we'll be shocked if we don't
have a baby this time next year.
I wish I could go back to that first year of trying
and those few months of crying maybe three months in
feeling like I can't believe I'm not pregnant yet.
And I'm like, oh my gosh,
you have no idea what is ahead of you.
But around that one year mark,
we got our very first diagnosis of infertility.
- [Doctor] So, the concentration was
3.47 million, which is low.
We like it to be 20 million or higher.
- And they basically said Phillip, your sperm are there,
but they're not functioning right.
And the doctor said you have severe male factor infertility.
- And so we decided to pursue IVF.
That was what the doctor said that
we would need to conceive.
We have gone through three transfers.
- [Doctor] The way that you're going to get pregnant
where the chances are incredibly high
would be to do the IVF.
- [Phil] Alex, what are you thinking?
- We could be making our baby today.
I can't explain it.
I want you.
(light serene music)
- [Doctor] No, it's negative.
I'm so sorry.
(light serene music)
- You ready?
(light serene music)
It's negative.
- [Doctor] The HCG went down from four to two.
(light serene music)
- [Phillip] Okay, talk to me.
- [Alex] There's our embryo.
(light suspenseful music)
- [Doctor] You can breathe. - [Phillip] I can see him.
- [Doctor] So the embryo is right between those two.
- [Phillip] Right there?
- [Phillip] You crying, sweetie?
- [Doctor] Six centimeters.
(light serene music)
- [Phillip] It's amazing.
- We had two failed transfers
and one amazing positive pregnancy test.
- [Doctor] You are pregnant.
(excited screams)
The HCG is 70, the estrogen progesterone
look as if they both went up actually from last time.
I do need you to (mumbles) twice a day,
and then stay on all your other medications.
But, so far so good.
So I'm really exited.
- So we carried our amazing pregnancy
through to 11 weeks.
It was a slow growing pregnancy,
we knew that it was, it would have taken an utter miracle
for that baby to keep growing.
And at the point where baby stopped growing
is when we knew that we had lost the pregnancy.
I think with miscarriage,
for any woman who goes through it,
it's embarrassing to talk about.
You don't wanna say anything.
You don't want people to say,
oh it's not that big of a deal.
It doesn't matter how long you carried that pregnancy,
it's a loss.
One thing I wish I would have known
is that when your pregnancy
and ultrasounds don't go according to plan,
and they're not perfect,
that it's okay that you're not celebrating that pregnancy
like you thought you were going to.
Or it's not turning out exactly
how you though it was going to.
And it's a little bit of fear
that you're gonna lose the pregnancy.
Guys, if we keep progressing, it would be a stinking miracle
and that's what it's gonna be right now
and that's what I'm gonna hold onto.
Because you know what?
Anything is possible.
And I'm just praying and hoping that this one's the miracle.
Everyday I tried to enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible.
But that fear was still there.
The second thing, I wish I would have known
is that the pain is gonna hit you
after at times you may not expect it to.
And there's the times that you're gonna
maybe see that pregnant woman walking by
and that might be a trigger.
It might be the Mother's Day that just passed.
But I would say give yourself grace when it hits you.
- I would say from my perspective, the third thing
that I wish I would've known about miscarriage
was it's okay to not be okay.
We glamorize like what we see on social media
and we think that that is the real life
and the reality of that moment.
But, the reality is, you can be posting a photo one minute
of how great life is and how good you are in that moment,
and that next moment you could be on the floor crying
with your spouse, paralyzed at the dishes
because you can't do one more dish.
Sitting at the dinner table, not able to eat a bite of food.
And that's okay.
Because grief comes in waves.
- Summer has been amazing, staying so busy.
But there've been a couple of days,
one or two days at family camp was pretty hard.
The last day just kind of crying a lot
around the campfire.
Someone shared their miscarriage story
and it just, ugh, when it comes out,
it's just like, okay, now it's time
for the emotions to come out instead of piling them inside.
Another thing I wish I would have known,
and I've talked to my friends, and they really wish
they would've known,
is that not every miscarriage naturally miscarries.
And I was very blessed and I was able to miscarry at home,
but I have friends that they were not able to,
and baby stayed with them.
Til the point where they had to go in
and have something called a D & C.
Where they had to take baby out.
And I know my friend says, I wish I would have known that.
I wish I would have known
that that is a part of miscarriage.
And a lot of people have gone through that as well.
I think when someone goes through pain,
it's uncomfortable.
And our first response is, it's gonna be okay.
And I think that's not exactly the way
that we want to support our friends and family.
Instead, I want someone to do what Philip did for me.
And say, I'm here, I love you, and just be.
And just be present with somebody.
And don't try to fix it.
Because grief, you have to go through.
You don't go around it.
(light serene music)
- Sorry.
- I know.
(light serene music)
- [Producer] We're gonna cut for a minute.
- It's okay to share your story.
It does not have to be on social media.
But with friends, with family,
it's okay to share.
Because you'll be surprised at how many people
have gone through it.
And can walk you through it and support you through it.
And care for you through it.
It's okay to share.
You don't have to be ashamed of your miscarriage.
- I would say to anyone going through miscarriage,
right now is,
I'm so sorry.
(light serene music)
I'm so sorry.
For your pain, for your loss.
For the death of that dream.
I'm so sorry.
You're not alone.
But just because you're not alone
and others are experiencing, doesn't diminish
the power of your pain.
And I would say to you,
it is critical that you build
a community around yourself right now.
Whether it is church, whether it is
a community of neighbors,
family, it is critical that you do not go through this grief
and this tragedy and this experience alone.
You need to be honest with yourself,
and the pain that you're in,
you need to be able to say no
to events and things that are
too hard to deal with right now.
You need to forgive yourself.
And allow yourself to grieve.
And even say to yourself, it's okay that I'm not okay today.
And I would say lastly from me,
speaking to the men.
When she's going through miscarriage,
and you don't understand it,
it doesn't matter that you don't understand it.
What you need to do is enter in with a compassionate heart.
And today might not be a great day, and that's okay.
You need to be able to say in love, every single day,
I'm with you and I'm committed to you.
And until this pain is passed us,
I'll be whatever you need me to be.
(light serene music)
- Hey, Unsolved is on a new channel.
And now your part.
- [Both] Subscribe here.
- That was my part.