The producers of the James Bond movies have announced
that casting is officially underway
for the next 007.
Yes, but, but, but,
they say whoever takes the role must make
a ten-to-12-year commitment.
Yeah. Which is a bit weird. I mean, if there's one thing
James Bond is not known for, it's long-term commitments.
In health news, a panel appointed by
the Department of Health and Human Services
has formally recommended
that all Americans under the age of 65
should be screened for anxiety.
And I'm gonna save you some time.
Yeah, everyone is goddamn anxious, all right?
What, you screen...
What does that even mean?
If you live in America and you don't have anxiety,
your ass needs a mental health screening. Like, a full one.
And by the way, I love how they're recommending
the screenings, but only for people
under the age of 65.
Yeah, what-what about the people over 65?
It's basically like, they're like, "Well,
whatever you're worried about, it's gonna be over soon, so..."
In military news, Space Force
has officially released its theme song.
Here's a sample.
♪ ♪
♪ We're the mighty watchful eye. ♪
It sucks.
All right. In, uh, in economic news,
the Federal Reserve has raised interest rates yet again,
yeah, to try and get inflation under control.
And I don't know, people, after three big interest rate
increases that, like, they haven't stopped inflation.
Maybe it's ti-- try-try something different, you know?
Maybe we just invite inflation to a party.
Yeah, and then when it gets drunk and passes out,
we draw a dick on its face.
It won't change anything, but it'll be funny.
Ha-ha, inflation.
All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories
of the day, starting with the only ex-president
who spends more time with his lawyers than his grandkids:
Donald Jurassic Trump.
Now, it turns out the former president
is somehow in more legal trouble than ever.
And we're gonna find out why in another installment
of America's Most Tremendously Wanted.
♪ ♪
Now, we all know that Donald Trump is already
in legal trouble for, uh, January 6,
uh, for stealing classified documents,
uh, for meddling in the vote count in Georgia,
and for having an ass that just will not quit.
But now he's also in big trouble
with New York's attorney general.
We are in unprecedented territory once again.
The New York attorney general has just filed
a sweeping fraud lawsuit against former President Trump,
three of his adult children and the Trump Organization.
A.G. Letitia James says they were involved
in a decade-long financial scheme that allowed Trump
to falsely inflate his net worth by billions of dollars.
James says the investigation uncovered some 200 examples
of false valuations of Trump's assets,
and she thinks this civil case
will have serious criminal fallout.
The pattern of fraud and deception
that was used by Mr. Trump and the Trump organization
for their own financial benefit is astounding.
Claiming you have money that you do not have
does not amount to the art of the deal.
It's the art of the steal.
(cheers and applause)
Ooh...
Donald Trump is in trouble now.
Yeah, 'cause when a prosecutor uses a rhyme,
you're about to do time.
(laughter and applause)
Now, I'm not going to lie,
I'm not optimistic, but if half
of what the attorney general is saying is true,
Trump is an even, even bigger con man than we all thought.
Because he's accused of lying
about the value of his properties
for decades, for decades,
to defraud the banks into giving him better loans.
And these are not small amounts, they're not small amounts.
For instance, Mar-a-Lago was worth $75 million.
And what did Trump say it was worth?
$740 million.
How?
"Because I upgraded it, folks.
"Yeah, totally upgraded.
"I added a rec room.
It's got a foosball table and everything."
He also claimed...
he also claimed that his 11,000-square-foot apartment
was actually 30,000 square feet, which is a lie.
So this man is going to be the first person
to ever get in legal trouble for claiming his apartment
is a grower not a shower.
-And I gotta say... -(laughter)
I've gotta say, it would be so funny
if this is what takes Trump down. Huh?
Can you imagine, he tried to overthrow the government,
but then they get him for lying
about having an in-unit washer-dryer.
It's like, that's the thing that locks him up.
(applause)
-Oh... -(cheering)
and... and according to this lawsuit, it wasn't just Donald.
Apparently, the whole family was involved in the scheme,
which is pretty disappointing.
I mean, I expect this from Donald Trump, you know,
and-and also from Don Jr.
and... and also from Ivanka
but... but Eric?
(laughter)
Well, actually... actually, yeah,
he seems like the kind of guy who'd do this.
All right, let's move on to international news
and it's about Ukraine.
GUTHRIE: We want to begin this morning
with that breaking news out of Russia.
Overnight, Vladimir Putin doubling down
in his war against Ukraine.
Vladimir Putin is preparing for a longer
and more intense war on Ukraine.
In a speech carried nationally in Russia,
the president said he will put up 300,000 military reservists
to active duty.
NEWSWOMAN: Vladimir Putin's been pushed into a corner,
warning the West he still has weapons of mass destruction--
read that as nuclear-- and he's prepared to use them.
"We will use all the means at our disposal
to protect Russia and our people," he said.
"This is not a bluff."
Wow. Wow, wow.
Seriously, Putin, nukes?
The N-word? Not cool, man, not cool.
That's America's word to use.
He does sound serious, though, huh?
You heard him, you heard what he said.
He said, "This is not a bluff."
Although, to be fair, "This is not a bluff"
is what someone who's bluffing would say.
Yeah, it wouldn't be very effective if he was like,
"I will nuke entire world, but I am bluffing, so don't worry."
By the way, I know this is random, but I find it funny
that he has the two landlines behind him in the picture.
No, I mean, like, I get the one, the one.
Maybe that's for, like, the nuclear codes or something.
But what's the other line for, right?
Is he also, like, a part-time telemarketer?
Just like, "Mr. Andropov, I'm preparing for nuclear war,
"which is why life insurance is very important right now.
Could I introduce you to a plan?"
(applause)
You know, one of the most frustrating things
about this war is that the only reason it's still going on
is because Vladimir Putin is trying to save face.
Right? He just, he just doesn't want to be seen to be losing.
And it-it-it made me wonder,
do you think Putin knows how to lose?
Like, do you think he knows how...?
Because-- think about it-- the dude plays an annual hockey game
where the Russian team lets him score 32 goals, right?
He somehow "wins" the judo contest
against professionals every year.
So it actually wouldn't surprise me
that he can't accept the concept that he can lose.
You know, it-it's almost like when parents let their kids
win everything, you know, and they're like,
"Wow, Billy, you ran so fast, you win again."
Then the kid grows up thinking
that losing isn't a part of life.
All right?
That's why, when I raced my four-year-old nephew
last weekend, I smoked his ass.
(cheering and applause)
Bam!
Left him in the dust.
Yeah.
Then I gave him a rematch and I smoked his ass again!
(whoops)
I mean, yes, he cried, yes, he cried.
But you know what he won't do?
Invade Ukraine, yeah.
All right, finally, let's turn to the world of sports,
where there's some really exciting stuff going on.
In baseball, Aaron Judge is on a historic home run tear,
crushing it out there.
In football, the Giants won a game.
(cheering)
But the most exciting news of all is coming out of the NBA,
and it's because the king has a new crown.
NEWSMAN: And it looks like basketball icon LeBron James
is trying something new.
The Lakers star posted this picture
on his Instagram Stories,
sitting in a barber's chair with no hair.
For years, LeBron's hairline has been
the subject of countless memes.
(with twang): Okay, okay, who dis, LeBron James?
(regular voice): I love it, this is a dope look.
No wonder it's making news.
LeBron James-- not only does he look better,
this is gonna be trouble for the rest of the league.
Can you imagine a more aerodynamic LeBron?
He's gonna be unstoppable.
200 points-- I'm calling it right now!
I'm glad LeBron did this.
I'm glad. Proud of him.
'Cause his hair kept on receding further and further back.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that,
but it just was, you know?
Yeah, his line was so far back,
Steph Curry was hitting threes from behind it.
Really disrespectful, Steph.
No, but, for real, he looks good.
I like it. Slick. Still got the beard.
In fact, it's so good, it's inspired me...
to do it, too.
-(gasping, chuckling) -That's right.
-(click) -The time has come. Thank you, LeBron.
-(cheering) -It's time for...
No, I'm-- Guys, I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Calm down. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. God blessed me. Calm down.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go, let's check in on traffic
with our very own Roy Wood Jr., everybody!
(cheering and applause)
Look at this.
Yo, go, go, go.
-Go, go, go, go... -Yo, Roy, what's, uh... what's, uh...
-what's happening in the traffic? -...go, go, go.
Oh, my God, dawg, it's crazy, man.
The police, they're chasing some dude.
He stole a party bus, man.
This shit is wild.
He's zigzagging all out of traffic.
He pulled over earlier and let all the strippers out.
That is a gentleman.
You don't see that kind of chivalry no more, dawg.
And I've been-- I've been on this type of party bus before.
That's a Chevrolet C5500.
The gas mileage on that one...
Seat about 14. If it's empty, they can be rolling--
Yo, this chase might go another four hours.
-This is a lot. -This is-- this is wild.
-Yeah. -So-so, what, is that happening right now?
Where-where is this?
No, this-this is from eight months ago.
I just figured this is...
more interesting than whatever you be wanting me to talk about.
What do you mean it's more interesting, Roy?
Traffic is-is interesting.
Yeah. That's why I'm watching it.
This is not the traffic, Roy!
People want to know what's happening on the road.
Do-Do the traf-- Why don't you-- Why do you never want
to do the traffic?
All right. (stammers) You-you want the regular traffic?
Yeah. Can we do the traffic?
All right. (mutters) Do the regular traffic.
You happy now? Is-is that interesting?
(laughter, applause)
-No. I want you to tell me what... -Is it interesting?
Like, tell me what's happening,
-what's-what's going on. -All right. Fine, fine,
I'll tell you what's happening.
Uh, look, the... (stammers)
James Bond. You said they got a...
They're looking for a new James Bond, right?
Yeah, yeah, they said they're-they're gonna start...
Yeah, that's what I heard. I-I sent 'em a résumé.
We gonna see what's happening.
But... who do you like? Who do you want?
Well, who-who do you think should be the new James Bond?
Well-well, yeah, they're-they're casting now, and, uh...
I-I hope it's Idris Elba.
-I'm not gonna lie. -(cheering and applause)
-You know? -Mm...
No. I-I know that's your boy.
No disrespect. But...
I-I just don't think that-- You know, I-I love Idris Elba.
I'm just not sure if now is the time
to drop a Black James Bond on white people.
They-they real sensitive right now.
White people, they-they sensitive right now.
They-they lost their queen. You just can...
(laughter, gasping)
You just can't drop a Black James Bond the week af--
Mm. Mm-mm.
You already saw what happened with The Little Mermaid.
We did The Little Mermaid.
Half a fish. We took half a fish.
We almost didn't survive the week. You can't...
come back and take James Bond right after that.
You can't do that, man.
See, this-this is what y'all forget, bro.
James Bond is the white man's dream job.
It's a dream job for a white man.
He travel.
He drink on the job.
He get to shoot people.
He don't get in trouble for it.
No paperwork.
And he get to have a whole lot of sex.
Ain't had a STD yet.
When-when the last time...
when the last time you saw James Bond buy a condom?
He ain't bought no condom.
It's a dream job. So if we take that from white men,
it's gonna be backlash.
And I just don't know if I'm ready for the backlash
that will come from getting a Black James--
Because if we mess with their classics,
they gonna mess with our classics.
That's what's gonna happen. Do you want to lose the classics?
D-Do you want to lose what Ice-Ice Cube
and Chris Tucker created?
-What-what do you mean? What do you mean? -Huh?
Do you want a white Friday?
-'Cause that's what's gonna happen. -(laughter, booing)
If we get a Black James Bond,
they get a white Friday, and I don't want that.
Is that what you want? You want Mark Wahlberg
riding around the hood with Tim...
with Timothée Chalmet... Chal... Chal... Chal.
-How do you say his name? -Chal-Chalamet.
-Chalamet. -You-you know the one.
You know the one I'm talking about.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying that, you know,
if it's already a movie, let white people have it.
All right? Just worry about the new stuff that's coming along.
Here's the thing. We talk about diversity
in film and all this shit.
The secret to turning white characters Black is
that you got to strategically do it from the books.
Then nobody notice.
When you change a book character
into a different race on screen... (stammers)
-'cause people don't read books. Nobody be reading. -(laughter)
Your book is still, like, in the New York Times best seller.
How long ago did your book come...?
You know how many books then came out since your book?
That's how much people don't read.
-They didn't even buy them new books. -(laugher, applause)
-I mean... -They would just rather read
-your book over and over again. -That makes no sense.
What-what... what is your point?
The-the... My point... How can you not follow this?
I'm making perfect sense.
Look, when you have white characters in a book,
and you flip them into Black characters on screen...
-Yeah. -...nobody cares.
-It's already been happening for decades, dawg. -Where?
Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.
-In the book, that is a white character. -What?
Like, for real, for real. I'm dead ass.
Morgan Freeman's character in Shawshank Redemption
-was written as a white man. -Huh.
Same thing, Jackie Brown. The home... Pam Grier.
-Yeah. -Much respected Pam Grier.
The book that that movie's based on was a white woman.
-Wow. Oh, yeah. I didn't know. -Yeah. You don't...
You flip the book into the Blackness.
-Yeah. -That's how you do it.
-(laughter) -I'll give you one more. I'll give you one more.
-Uh-huh. -The book Confess, Fletch.
You know, the Fletch movie franchise? Yes.
In the new... the Confess, Fletch, the new one,
the cop that's investigating Fletch
in the book is a white man.
But who did they cast in Confess, Fletch?
-Who? -(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
I'm just saying.
Representation.
-Did you...? Did you...? -Representation.
Did you take us on this whole journey just
to promote your new movie with Jon Hamm?
-(laughter) -Is that what this whole thing was about?
Come on, dawg. I would never come on this show
and promote Confess, Fletch, currently in theaters
and available on demand, and after that,
on the Showtime, Paramount+ bundle.
Why would I do that? That's... disrespectful, bro.
What I'm saying is that if... We're trying to boil
representation down to solely Black faces
telling white stories, and... but it's more than that.
It's about Black faces telling original stories.
So just give us more of that.
-Like, you like Idris Elba. Cool. I like Idris Elba. -Yeah.
-So rather than Idris Elba playing James Bond... -Okay.
...what I would like to see is something in the same field.
You know, you could have him with a gun,
and he's a smooth talker with the ladies,
-but-but... but he's in Harlem, right? -(laughter)
-Okay. -He's in Harlem, and that's a... that's a fresh idea.
And leather jacket, too. Yeah, leather jacket in Harlem,
and he's, you know, fighting crime.
You made Shaft. That's what you made.
-I did not make Shaft. I made... -You made Shaft.
You didn't come up with a new one. That's Shaft.
That's not Shaft. That's a diff... That...
You talking about Shaft. My movie's called Sháft.
(laughter, applause)
It's different.
You put the little thing over the "a," and then...
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.