I was, uh, really drunk one night
and I was finishing up comedy
and my girlfriend picked me up to drive me home.
And I was just rambling on in the car.
I try to pee in the car at one point.
I was, like--I'm just, I'm taking my dick out,
she's, like, what are you doing?
I'm, like, I got to pee. She's, like,
we're in a fucking car, asshole.
I was, like, ah, not a good idea.
Don't pee on the floor.
Mental note.
So, I'm, like, babe, I'm starving.
We got to stop.
We got to get some food. And I'm sorry,
by "babe, I'm starving, we got to stop and get some food,"
I mean I screamed, "fucking Wendy's!"
As we passed the Wendy's going down Sunset Boulevard.
She pulls a U-ey
and we get into the Wendy's drive-through line, right?
Now, we are two cars away from placing our order
and I'm going over it in my head, you know?
Junior bacon cheeseburger,
fries, frosty, five-piece nuggets.
Junior bacon cheeseburger, fries, f--like
Just, you know, you're going over it in your head.
I don't want to fuck this up.
And then all of a sudden, boom.
The lights go out in the Wendy's fucking drive-through line.
They're closed. You know when they shut down the light,
you can walk in on your girlfriend or your boyfriend
blowing another person on Valentine's Day,
and that would be a distant second to the disappointment
you feel once you get into the-- you're in the line!
I'm, like, I'm here already!
I'm fucking here! I did it.
No. No one's getting a frosty, nothing.
So, we lived in an apartment building right above Ralphs.
Ralphs is a grocery store.
Just like every other grocery store in America.
Except, this Ralphs is located on Sunset Boulevard,
and it's open 24 hours a day, okay?
So, you can only imagine the kind of clientele
that goes into the Rock and Roll Ralphs on Sunset Boulevard,
at 2:00 in the morning on a Saturday night, okay?
It looks like Burning Man fucked Comic-Con in this fucking place.
It's disgusting.
But I was, like, babe, we need food!
She's, like, "Fine, we'll go to the Ralphs."
Pull into the Ralphs parking lot.
She goes, "Hey, just do me a favor.
Whatever you get, just grab me a lemonade."
I'm, like, yep, no problem.
So, I'm walking into the Ralphs right?
And I'm still in the parking lot, walking through.
And as I'm, like, getting close to the front door,
a car just pulls up, like,
so close to my hip, like, right here
and just beeps the horn
and goes, "Hey, man, get the fuck out of the way!"
And I was, like, "What the fuck did you say
you motherfuck"--you know,
when you're drunk you're, like, fuck you!
We're doing this? We're gonna fucking do that?
Let's fucking do this, bro!
And now, we're yelling at each other.
It's, like, fuck you, you fucking redhead.
And I lost my mind.
Because guys, I do not have red hair, okay?
There's nothing wrong with redheads.
If you have red hair, good for you.
But nobody wants to fuck you. And that's my point.
I don't have red hair.
So, this guy is now, I'm, like, no, fuck you, you motherfucker.
Do you want to fucking go? And I know I'm not a fighter.
When it gets, like,
too intense for me, my move used to just be turn around
and walk like George Jefferson away.
I just fucking, I just left.
I walked into the Ralphs.
Just George Jefferson style.
And the first thing--'cause you're like a Neanderthal,
I'm, like, [sniffs] what is that?
I smell food. What is that fucking food
that I smell that I need in my mouth right now?
And it's the chicken in the bag.
I just picked that chicken.
I was, like, this is what I need.
Just go over and I slop it down on the fucking counter.
The juices are going down the conveyer belt.
The guy doesn't even want to ring it up.
I was, like, here's 20 bucks, motherfucker.
Give me back 18.
He's, like, that's not even the price, dude.
Get in the car, fucking drop that bag down
just, like, a big gorilla.
Just eating the chicken in the bag.
And my wife's, like, hey, what happened to the lemonade?
I was, like, ah-ha!
Whoo! Babe, when life hands you lemons,
you got to go back in the Ralphs and get
your own fucking lemonade, 'cause I forgot that shit.
She's like, "What an asshole."
She goes to drive out of the Ralphs parking lot.
We make a quick right.
We live right above it, right?
Make a quick right, all of a sudden a car cuts us off, boom.
Tees us up just like this.
And I'm not, you know, I'm just not even paying attention.
And then he comes, driver side to driver side, this car.
And it was the car that I got into the beef with,
and this guy pulls out a fucking gun
and just goes into our window like this, and he goes,
"Say you're sorry, motherfucker!
Huh? You think it's funny now? Say you're sorry."
And my wife's, like, "What the fuck is going on?"
And I didn't see any of this because I'm eating chicken
out of a fucking bag.
Just shoveling it in my fat pie-hole.
And this guy is just like what the--
He's, like, "Say you're sorry, motherfucker.
Say you're sorry." Keeps screaming it,
and my wife's, like, "Say you're fucking sorry!
What's wrong with you? Say you're sorry."
And I don't know.
Guys, I'm not a gangster.
I don't know what came over me.
I just looked up from the bag and was like,
"Babe, if he was gonna shoot us he would've done it already!
Goodfellas!"
That's not even a line from fucking
I was so drunk I was misquoting
Well, this guy, he just recoiled the gun, pulls it back,
he's just, like, "What the fuck?"
And he goes, "This is your lucky day, motherfucker.
You fucking redhead." And drives down the block.
And I was, like, "What the fuck did he just say?"
So, I look over, and now, my girlfriend is crying--
I mean, tears, they're, like, welling up.
You know, when they start to well up,
and I'm eating the chicken in the bag.
She just looks at me, like,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?
"How could you do that? You-- he had a gun to my fucking head.
"You big fucking fucking fire-crotch fucking
"Rocky Dennis motherfucker!
What is wrong with you, you fucking ginger!"
And I was, like, "Babe, what? Is this about the lemonade?"
And we got married three years later, guys.
Thank you guys very much.