When men and women interact, and this is what the experts find, is that
the primary need that they find for a man is to feel respected. OK.
And the primary need for a woman is to feel cared for or loved.
And so what these experts have found is that the conflict that happens between
men and women can basically be broken down
into this this formula, which is which they call the crazy cycle.
And what that crazy cycle is, is that and this is again, this is interactions
between men and women on any level.
So whether it's in the context of marriage or it's in the context of Islamic work
or the context of within a family, whatever.
But generally, this is what happens.
And the crazy cycle is, this is the conflict when conflict happens.
It usually can be broken down to this that
one of them. So, for example, a man might do something or a brother
might do something that is interpreted by the sister
or the woman in whatever context as being uncaring.
So he does something that that feels like it's kind of insensitive. OK.
Now, what does a woman do in response?
Well, our knee jerk reaction also happens to be the absolute worst reaction.
Our knee jerk reaction is to react with attitude. Right.
It's to react kind of in an aggressive sort of,
you know, almost like disrespectful way. OK.
And that the root of that, though, is that we feel uncared for or we feel
unloved or we feel that someone has done something insensitive to us.
So we react with harshness. OK.
Now, what does that do?
Well, now, when you're reacting with disrespect, you're now depriving the man
of his primary need, which is to feel respected.
And so how does he react?
He reacts by being even more unloving and even more uncaring and even more harsh.
And so now you are in this crazy cycle,
because when now when a woman feels that, she reacts with even more disrespect.
So the question is, how do we break the cycle?
And what they say is that there's something called
unconditional respect and unconditional love
or care or consideration, depending on the context, of course.
So what does that mean in terms of Islamic work?
What does that mean in terms if a marriage or a relationship?
Well, what it means is that regardless of whether or not
we feel that someone is being insensitive, if we respond, especially
when dealing with a man, if a woman responds
with unconditional respect, meaning that she remains respectful,
that that will actually trigger a man to be more caring and more loving.
And this is really interesting, because if you look at the advice
that the Prophet ﷺ gives, it is exactly follows this formula.
So obviously, the Prophet ﷺ is going to give us the advice
that is most helpful, right, to have a successful relationship .
So when a lot when when Allah and his prophet command the women
or advise the women, most of the advice
that's given to women is not to love men, is not to love their husbands.
Why do you think that is?
Well, because women love comes naturally. Right.
We give love
This is something that we naturally
and we are very we are very familiar with the concept of unconditional love.
However, there's something we're not that familiar with and that is respect.
We do not understand the concept of unconditional respect.
We as women feel like, well, you got to you got to deserve my respect.
You've got to earn my respect. Right.
So if you're treating me bad, I'm not going to respect you right now.
That's the problem right there.
Because when we take on that attitude,
we're only going to get more and more harsh treatment.
It's like it's like this knee jerk reaction.
So the Prophet ﷺ comes to women and he recommends
to women what? respect your your husbands.
Right, obey your husbands.
So the emphasis is on respect.
OK, now, when Allah and his messenger talk to men, when the Prophet ﷺ
is advising men on how to treat women, what is the emphasis?
The emphasis is in in terms of kindness and love.
So the Prophet ﷺ is telling men, be kind with your wives, right.
Be caring.
Don't be harsh with your wives.
And in one Hadith the Prophet ﷺ says that
a woman was created from a bent rib. Right.
And he says and it is a really deep Hadith
He says that if you try to straighten it, you'll break it.
But if you leave it as it is, you'll enjoy it.
So what does that mean?
Well, women are a certain way and they're created that way. Right.
We didn't bend our own rib.
That we didn't make the rib bend ourselves.
But we're created with a certain nature from God.
And if you're going to go and try to change that nature. Guess what?
You're going to break it.
You're not going to be successful with that woman.
But if you accept her as she is, accept her as she is
and accept her nature as it is, you will be successful.
And so the idea here is that if you treat her with kindness
and you treat her with love, and that unconditional love commandment
is more given to men, because men, on the other hand, have the idea.
Usually, you know, the mirror of the women is that I'm only going to be kind
and loving to my wife when she's respectful to me.
But so long as she shows me disrespect, I'm not going to show her love.
And this is also a formula
for failure, because the more that a man
shows harshness to a woman, the more disrespectful she tends to be.