I WAS IN BALTIMORE LAST WEEK.
(cheers)
YES, BALTIMORE IS A GOOD CITY.
I LOVE THAT CITY.
IT'S KIND OF A ROUGH CITY, BUT I LOVE IT.
I TAKE MY DVD THERE.
IT'S A COOL CITY,
AND I HAD KIND OF SURREAL SITUATION THERE.
AND I DON'T OVERUSE THE WORD SURREAL,
BUT THIS WAS DEFINITELY SURREAL.
I HAD WRITTEN THIS JOKE ABOUT MOVIES,
AND I WAS GONNA DO SOME CROWD WORK TO GET INTO IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL HAVE BEEN TO BALTIMORE,
IT WAS KINDA LIKE AN URBAN CITY.
SO THESE THREE YOUNG BLACK DUDES GOLD FRONTS IN THE FRONT,
AND I ASKED THIS BLACK DUDE,
AND IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT HE SAID.
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE BRO?"
AND WHAT HE SAID TO ME CHANGED MY LIFE.
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
HE WAS LIKE, "MY FAVORITE MOVIE
IS CALLED "AND THE BAND PLAYED ON,"
(laughter)
AND I WAS LIKE,
"SEE, THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T STEREOTYPE."
BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT A 21-YEAR-OLD BLACK DUDE
FROM SOUTH BALTIMORE FAVORITE MOVIE WOULD BE
A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE FIRST AIDS PATIENT.
SO I'M LIKE FORGET MY JOKE, F THAT.
THAT'S GONE.
I GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW THIS CAME TO BE?
WHY THIS IS HIS FAVORITE MOVIE?
SO I'M FORMULATING THE QUESTION LIKE,
HOW DID THAT-- WITHOUT MISSING THE BEAT,
THE DUDE GOES, "I MEAN 'DRUMLINE.'"
(laughter)
THAT'S A REAL PERSON ON THIS PLANET
THAT "A" DOESN'T KNOW THE NAME OF HIS FAVORITE MOVIE
AND MIXED UP THOSE TWO MOVIES, YOU KNOW.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME ASKING A 95-YEAR-OLD WHITE DUDE LIKE,
"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
"LIKE, 'NEW JACK CITY.'
I MEAN, 'BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY.'"
I GET MY CITIES AND MY COUNTIES MESSED UP, MY BAD HOMIE.
IT WAS EVEN WEIRD JUST LEAVING BALTIMORE,
BECAUSE I TOOK THE RED EYE OUT, AND, YOU KNOW,
SO IT WAS 6:00 IN THE MORNING,
I'M ABOUT TO GET ON JETWAY,
AND I'M DEAD TIRED,
I JUST LIKE KINDA HAND THE CHICK MY TICKET,
AND I LOOK AT HER NAME TAG,
AND HER NAME WAS ERICA,
WHICH ISN'T A BIG DEAL, BUT SHE SPELLED IT
AND I SWEAR TO GOD,
A-I-R-E-E-K-A.
AIREEKA.
LET THAT (bleep) SOAK IN.
AND I'M LIKE, IF YOU HAVE A KID,
YOU COULD NAME HIM WHATEVER YOU WANT,
BUT CLEARLY, WE CAN'T HANDLE THAT.
SO I GOT AN IDEA.
WHENEVER YOU HAVE A BABY,
RIGHT BEFORE YOU TAKE HIM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL
RIGHT BEFORE YOU WALK OUT THOSE DOUBLE DOORS,
RIGHT BEFORE YOU DO,
YOU GOT TO PUT YOUR BABY'S NAME INTO GOOGLE,
THAT'S BRILLIANT
BECAUSE IF AIREEKA'S PARENTS WOULD HAVE DONE THAT
GOOGLE WOULD HAVE SHOT BACK, "DID YOU MEAN?"
(laughter)
PLEASE TELL US YOU MEAN--
I TAUGHT AT MIDDLE SCHOOL FOR FIVE YEARS, MAN.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS,
I DON'T KNOW IF WE GOT PARENTS OUT THERE.
IF YOU GUYS HAVE YOUNG--
'CAUSE I TAUGHT MIDDLE SCHOOL SCIENCE
AND IF YOU GUYS HAVE YOUNG KIDS AT MIDDLE SCHOOL,
AND LIKE IF YOU HAVE YOUNG TEACHER--I'M 34 NOW
WHEN I WAS TEACHING WAS IN MY '20s,
IF YOU GOT A YOUNG TEACHER,
YOU NEED TO SLIP THEM AN EXTRA $50
AT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE WE--YES.
BECAUSE WE ARE THE LAST LINE OF DEFENSE
BETWEEN YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER
AND HER PUNK ASS BOYFRIEND AND HIS LIES.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BECAUSE MY STUDENTS, THEY'RE COMING TO ME LIKE,
"MR. JACKSON, MY BOYFRIEND SAID I CAN'T GET PREGNANT
WITH MY EYES CLOSED," I'M LIKE, "THAT'S A LIE".
(laughter)
MY WIFE SUFFERED THAT. THAT'S A LIE.
BUT I DID USED TO BE ABLE TO DO COOL STUFF WITH MY KIDS,
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
I HAVE MY KIDS TO REPORT ON A FAMOUS BLACK SCIENTIST,
AND WHEN YOU SAY THAT IN THE HOOD
YOU GET 35 HANDS LIKE, "CAN WE DO DR. DRE?"
IT'S LIKE, "NO, HE'S NOT A SCIENTIST."
BUT I MEAN, YA'LL GOT BROTHERS AND SISTERS AT HOME, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE LITTLE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US,
YOU GOT OVER ACHIEVERS, UNDER ACHIEVERS
AND I TAUGHT IN MIAMI,
SO I HAD MOSTLY BLACK AND LATIN KIDS,
BUT I HAD THREE WHITE KIDS, AND I HAD ONE WHITE DUDE,
HE WAS LIKE A SMART KID.
HE COULD'VE GOT "A"s, BUT HE GOT "D"s AND "F"s
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GIVE A (bleep)
TO THE POINT WHERE YOU AS AN A ADULT HAD TO RESPECT IT
LIKE, "YOU DON'T GIVE A (bleep), OKAY. ALL RIGHT."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT FOR BLACK HISTORY MONTH, THIS IS NOT A JOKE,
HE WENT ALL OUT, DID HIS REPORT,
HE COMES TO ME, AND HE'S LIKE, "MR. JACKSON,
I'M GONNA READY MY REPORT IN FRONT OF THE CLASS."
AND I'M A TEACHER, I AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO TEACH,
I'M LIKE, "DO THAT."
KILL FIVE MINUTES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AND THIS KID GETS IN FRONT OF MY CLASS AND SAYS,
AND SAYS, MY HAND ON MY GRANDMOTHER'S LIFE,
GOD REST HER SOUL.
THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF THIS KID'S MOUTH--
THIS IS IN FRONT OF MY CLASS IN FRONT OF YA'LL, HE GOES,
"MY REPORT IS ON THE WRIGHT BROTHERS",
(laughter)
AND I'M, LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING A JOKE TO COME,
AND SOMEBODY'S TRYING TO BE FUNNY,
NO JOKE CAME. HE READ IT FRONT TO BACK.
IT WAS FACTUAL. IT WAS WELL WRITTEN.
HE WALKED TO HIS DESK, YOU KNOW, PUT IT ON MY DESK,
WALKED TO HIS DESK,
I KNOW YOU THINK I'M A COMEDIAN,
I SAY FUNNY (bleep).
I DIDN'T SAY A THING".
I WAS LIKE, "THINK ABOUT THE BALLS ON THIS KID."
HE WALKED INTO A BLACK MAN'S CLASSROOM.
THERE WERE IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH,
AND DID A REPORT ON TWO WHITE DUDES
AND JUST DOING ON MY DESK, LIKE, NAILED IT
AND WALKED AWAY.
(laughter, cheer and applause)
WHICH IS SOME GANGSTA (bleep), DUDE.
AND I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING THE WHOLE CLASS,
AND I'M DRIVING HOME,
AND I'M LIKE, IS HE TRYING TO BE FUNNY?
WAS HE TRYING TO START--LIKE, YO,
HE JUST SAW THE WORD "BROTHERS" AND DID TWO PAGES.
(laughter)