(upbeat music)
- But I do, I love learning about sciences,
learning about tech, stuff like that.
One of my favorite things to do is to research
which animals are gay.
You know, giraffes, bi as fuck, something about the neck.
We don't know,
but there's not that much research done
about which bugs are gay.
And I've looked it up, I've done some of my own.
And they said that sometimes
two male bugs will mistake each other
for a female and accidentally have sex.
And it's like, okay, I went to college.
(audience laughs)
So I made a slide that's a very comprehensive list
of which bugs are gay or not,
so let's go.
Dragon flies, the fact that dragon flies will just hover
in air perfectly still like that,
not moving, gay.
(audience laughs)
That requires classical training.
They went to drama school.
Lady bugs, every lady bug is a lesbian.
Honestly, look, they got this bold lipstick right here,
but if you zoom in, there's Birkenstocks every,
on every one of these.
Beatles, lesbians, that's a strap.
(audience laughs)
Bees, the fact that you're so willing to hurt someone
that you would die for it,
that's gay.
The pettiness that that takes.
And they worship a queen?
Like, come on.
Wasps, wasps are straight.
Its a visceral feeling, I don't need to explain it.
We all get it.
And look at that interior design, you know.
It's just not up to par.
Butterflies, gay.
I mean, come on.
You know, they go in the cocoon,
college, they pop out,
they start a thought thotting, you know,
it's a classic queer narrative.
Cicadas, the fact that they just take off their clothes
and leave it anywhere, that's straight.
It's like, pick up after yourself, cicadas.
Gay. (audience laughs)
Every praying mantis is gay as fuck, look.
They're like yas.
Let's get these aphids.
(audience laughs)
Scorpions, are they insects?
Are they spiders?
Neither, they're bi.
Cockroaches are gay because they're everywhere,
and you'll never get rid of them.
Ants, with ants, it's like,
you're working so hard.
What are you hiding?
(audience laughs)
I just think ants need to do some soul searching.
And daddy long legs, gay.
And that is a complete list of all the bugs that are gay.
I know because I fucked them all.
- You guys hear about this Dolce and Gabbana thing in China?
A couple of days ago, Dolce and Gabbana released
a racist ad making fun of Chinese people and chopsticks.
And so the entire country
of China is now boycotting Dolce and Gabbana.
That's right. (audience laughs)
That's how you know, you fucked up.
When half the world is boycotting you.
By the way, has there been a brand easier to boycott
than Dolce and Gabbana?
$800 t-shirts?
Yeah, I'm boycotting that.
Turns out I've been boycotting Dolce and Gabbana forever.
- I'm single, which is confusing.
No it's not.
Because I have boobs big enough
for each of them to have their own boyfriend.
If you want big titties, go to church.
That's what I did.
These G's came from from Jesus, you're welcome.
Listen.
'Cause I get real confused with them,
I'm like, men love titties,
and they love a big ass, I have both of those.
So I'm like, all right.
The two plus two equals married.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, it's weird to get up in the morning and be beautiful
and single and be like what the fuck is happening?
And this shit's hitting me real hard
'cause I'm in my thirties, don't tell my manager.
I'm in my thirties,
(audience laughs)
and my best friend, she tried to warn me.
She was like, "Listen, when you turn 30,
"your body's gonna freak out."
And I was lies, bitch lies.
And then I turned 30,
and then my biological clock went
from snooze to European techno.
So now, every time I see a child,
I just hear bam, bam, have a baby bam.
It's awesome, bam, it'll love you.
Wait a minute.
I think it's due today.
Are there any women here in their twenties?
(women in audience cheer)
All right, let me talk to y'all for a second.
'Cause nobody told me, you have to listen to me,
I'm a black woman, that's why Oprah's a billionaire.
Okay, you have to listen to me.
Oprah's the only reason white women read,
let's talk about that.
So I need to tell you something,
nobody tried to warn me and I didn't want to listen.
Nobody told me, so I'm trying to help y'all.
I want y'all to know you've never been horny before.
I'm telling you right now.
They didn't tell me, all right.
You know what that silence is?
Every woman in her thirties going,
tell these bitches the truth.
Nobody told me, because I don't want to have sex,
I want to mate, that's a completely different
part of your brain, okay.
You don't think I didn't walk in here
and figure out at least five dudes.
I want to bang before this special's over.
You're crazy, hi sir, I'm not kidding.
What up green shirt?
This is not a joke.
(audience cheers and laughs)
Glasses, what's up?
Listen, I'm not playing with y'all, okay?
'Cause I wake up every morning and my body goes,
give me a baby.
I'm like, hey man, I got to go to work today.
Give me a baby.
I got to catch a flight, not a fetus.
No, I can't?
(audience laughs)
Give me a baby, listen I need a child
'cause I've looked like a mother of three
since I was 15 years old, okay.
And I'm not saying that to be messed up,
I've had huge boobs and this body,
I look like that somebody should be asking me questions
on a regular basis, that's all I'm saying.
- My uncle Derek told me to watch "Titanic".
You want to learn how to woo a woman,
you gotta watch "Titanic".
(audience laughs)
Country folk, you're like "Titanic"?
You don't know how to woo a woman, boy,
I'm telling you, "Titanic" show you.
That boy, Leo DiCaprio boy,
that boy got that girl,
boy, that girl was out of his league,
he pulled her, then he died.
He died happy.
He was smiling when he was drowning,
and he'd float down smiling.
I went back and watched "Titanic".
"Titanic" is not that romantic of a movie.
It's a good film, but it ain't romantic.
"Titanic" is basically a movie
about an old lady who got some dick so good
that she went back out into the ocean to say goodbye to it.
(audience laughs)
That's pretty much the movie.
Go back and watch Titanic,
the whole thing is a flashback.
It's a 90 year old lady, and she's on the bow of a ship.
The whole movie is a flashback,
it's a 90 year old lady,
she's looking out into the water,
and then it flashes back to everything
that happened on the ship.
He drowns, she lives, they come back, present day,
and she's looking out into the water,
and then are people are coming up and talking to her.
Ma'am, are you thinking about all your friends
you lost out there?
Oh no baby, I'm thinking about good dick
I got there.
There's some good dick under that water,
that's what I'm thinking about.
Right here, 70 years ago.
This is where I got my back beat out.
Did you know that?
Right here, young gentlemen, poverty stricken.
Put that pipe on me, I couldn't handle it,
it was steaming up,
and I was pressing my hand on that car window.
That's why I walk like this.
Give me the jewelry.
She threw that jewelry into the water.
(audience laughs)
"Titanic" ain't no romantic movie,
if anything it's a superhero movie.
It's a superhero movie.
Leo DiCaprio was a superhero, bro.
They had sex one time in that movie.
Once, they had sex one time in "Titanic".
She remembered it for the next 70 years.
(audience laughs)
You know how good your pipe game got to be?
To put it down once, one time,
and for 70 years, that's all she can think about.
She's 90.
Think about how much stuff you probably will forget,
I know by the time I'm 90,
I'm not gonna know where my car is parked.
I'm not gonna know my grandkids' names.
I'm gonna have my pills in that Monday, Tuesday
Wednesday trap door.
But this lady is 90,
and she never forgot that one time,
his dick beat Alzheimer's.
That's a super power.
(audience laughs)
You gotta respect that.
- I was wet every day in New York somehow.
Summer it's humid, I'm walking,
ass wet, armpits wet,
random air conditioners dripping on you.
Was that an air conditioner?
I dunno, keep going, wet, wet, wet.
Fall, I put a jacket on and the sun comes out.
Neck wet, head wet, backpack wet.
Winter, you put on all these clothes, right?
Then you sit in the subway.
Heat, neck wet, hamstrings wet, feet wet,
changed my socks, feet wet,
changed my socks, spraying, raining, raining
wet, bus, puddles, wet.
I'm always wet.
Living in New York is like being Leonardo DiCaprio
in every single one of his movies.
Let's go through them.
What do you want to start with, "Titanic"?
Drowns to death, wet.
"Great Gatsby" dies in the pool at the end, wet.
"Shutter Island" it's an Island, wet.
"The Beach" wet.
Give me some, give me some Leonardo movies.
Give me some. - [Audience] "Inception"
- "Inception" first dream pouring rain, wet.
- "Gangs in New York"
He's in the whorehouse sweating the whole time, wet.
"Gilbert Grape" takes a bath in the second act, wet.
Gimme some more.
- [Audience] "Departed"
- "Departed" movie theater scene,
wearing a hat, starts raining on him, wet.
"The Revenant", starts in a fucking river, wet.
- [Audience] "Great Gatsby"
- "Great Gatsby" I already said, it was the second example.
What's wrong with this audience?
He dies in the pool at the end, pay attention.
Wet.
- [Audience] "Blood Diamonds"
- "Blood Diamonds" runs into a river
shooting a machine gun, wet.
"Aviator" crashes into the ocean, wet.
"Basketball Diaries", top of the building,
jerking off, starts raining on him, wet.
(audience laughs and applauds)
He's always wet.
He is always wet.
Tom Cruise, always running.
They should do a movie together called
he's running, I'm wet.
("The Daily Show" theme)