PLEASE WELCOME OUR FRIEND JOHN OLIVER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME!
I DIDN'T MEAN-- I KNOW-- >> ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR DANCE BREAK.
I KNOW AT HEART, YOU'RE REALLY JUST A HOOVER.
>> I SPEAK WITH MY BODY.
WHEN MY BODY FEELS THE BEAT, IT EXPRESSES THAT BEAT, AND IT DOES
THAT WITH WHATEVER THIS IS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, DID YOU WATCH-- DID YOU WATCH THE
CONVENTION TONIGHT?
>> I DID, I DID.
I'VE JUST BEEN WATCHING IT BACKSTAGE.
I'LL ALL ABOUT TIM KAINE.
WHERE ARE MY KAINE-ACES IN THE AUDIENCE.
THAT IS THE VIEW OF TIM KAINE IN AMERICA.
"OH, YEAH?
HE SPOKE TONIGHT?" I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW HIM, IF
HE'S GOING TO BE AMERICA'S STEP-DAD, THAT WAS AN EXEMPLARY
PERFORMANCE.
THE DAD JOKES AND EXPRESSIONS THAT CAME OUT OF THAT MAN'S SOFT
FACE.
HE IS A TALL GLASS OF LACTATE.
HIS DONALD TRUMP IMPRESSION DOESN'T JUST NOT SOUND LIKE
DONALD TRUMP.
I DON'T THINK IT SOUNDS LIKE ANYBODY.
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD BUY-- HE EVEN-- HE DID A
DAD FLEX AT THE END WHERE THE ONLY THING HE WAS FLEXING WAS
HIS FACE.
HE WENT... WE DID IT!
( CHEERS ) THAT GUY.
TIM KAINE.
THAT'S THE STAR OF THE EVENING.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> FORGET THE PRESIDENT.
TIM KAINE IS WHERE IT'S AT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU WATCH JOE BIDEN?
>> SURE, BUT AGAIN, I CAN'T-- NO, NO, TIM KAINE --
>> NO JOE BIDEN.
>> JOE BIDEN WAS FINE.
>> Stephen: FEELINGS.
>> I NEVERMENTED TO BE CALLED SCAMP BY SOMEONE AS MUCH AS I
HAVE.
>> Stephen: HEY, SPORT.
>> BEDTIME, SCAMP, LATE.
>> Stephen: ASSISTANT MANAGER OF A LOCAL HARDWARE STORE?
>> EXACTLY.
HERE, I'LL OPEN YOUR BEER.
I'D RATHER YOU DRANK IT HERE WITH ME.
>> Stephen: SO HE'S THE COOL STEP-DAD.
>> HE'S AS COOL AS COULD POSSIBLY BE.
I NEVER SAW ANYONE MORE ABOUT TO BREAK INTO A HARMONICA SOLO THAN
THAT MAN.
>> Stephen: HE CAN DO IT.
HE CAN DO IT.
>> I THINK HE MUST HAVE BEEN FRISKED ON THE WAY OUT.
"TELL ME YOU DO NOT HAVE IT WITH YOU, TIM."
THEY WANT TO HEAR IT.
I PROMISE YOU, THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
WE'LL SLAP IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOUR IMPRESSION OF HILLARY CLINTON?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I WILL OPEN HAND SLAP IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
I SO WANTED TO HIM HEAR SAY, "I HEREBY ACCEPT THE NOMINATION FOR
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I ACCEPT THE NOMINATION ♪
>> EXCEPT MY IMPRESSION OF A HARMONICA IS MORE LIKE A TIM
KAINE IMPRESSION BECAUSE IST SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE A HARMONICA
OR ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING ON PLAY YOUR
FINGERNAILS PUP CAN'T DO THAT.
>> LIKE A STUBBY FLUTE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU WATCH LAST WEEK?
DID YOU WATCH THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION LAST WEEK?
DID YOU ENJOY THAT?
>> I DID.
I THINK THAT'S WHY I NEEDED TIM KAINE SO BADLY.
I JUST NEEDED A BREAK FROM EVERYTHING.
THIS HAS BEEN 18 MONTHS OF HELL, AND I NEEDED STEP-DAD TO COME IN
AND TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY BEFORE FLEXING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT WAS
INTERESTING TO ME WAS THAT THIS WEEK FROM THE DEMOCRATS, THEY--
THEY DID THE THING THAT YOU ALWAYS DO IN A POLITICAL
CONVENTION THAT THE REPUBLICANS FORKNOT TO DO, WHICH IS TO SAY,
"GREAT COUNTRY.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREATER."
>> IT'S AN INCREDIBLE THING TO FORGET TO SAY FOR FOUR DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) TO GET TO THE END OF FOUR DAYS
AND GO, "WE DEFINITELY SAID WE LOVED AMERICA, RIGHT?
CHECK THE TAPE.
WE MUST HAVE SAID IT.
WE SAY IT ALL TIME.
WHY WOULD WE NOT HAVE SAID IT."
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY IT.
>> YOU DEFINITELY SAID IT.
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO SAY A FLAMING POOP PILE.
>> SOMEONE SAID IT, I'M SURE.
WE MUST ( NO AUDIO" WE SAID IT.
>> ONE THINK WE DIDN'T SAY IS "S" "H" BECAUSE THIS IS LIVE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR MY LAST
BROADCAST.
WHAT AN HONOR YOU'RE MY LAST GUEST.
>> BECAUSE OF HBO, YOU GOT OFF LIGHTLY WITH THAT CURSE WORD.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE HAVE SOME GREAT SHOWS LATELY BUT ONE OF
THE THINGS THAT STANDS OUT FOR ME SUUSUALLY USE THE POWER OF
YOUR PERCH.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: TO HELP A RUSSIAN WARLORD FIND A--
>> CHECHEN WARLORD.
IT'S A GEOGRAPHICAL GRAY AREA.
>> Stephen: THE RUSSIANS-- >> PUTIN WOULD SAY YOU'RE
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, VLAD AND I GO WAY BACK.
YOU ACTUALLY HELPED A WARLORD TRY TO FIND HIS CAT.
>> WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS-- ( LAUGHTER )
SO A CHECHEN WARLORD LOST HIS CAT, AND HE'S, APPARENTLY, VERY
ACTIVE ON INSTAGRAM, WHICH IS OBJECTIVELY LUDICROUS.
SO WE THOUGHT WE WOULD HELP HIM FIND HIS CAT.
>> Stephen: AND HE TWEETED YOU-- HE INSTAGRAMMED YOU.
>> HIS ACCOUNT-- THIS IS A CHECHEN WARLORD'S INSTAGRAM
ACCOUNT.
AND AGAIN, THINK ABOUT THAT SEQUENCE OF WORDSES AND NOW
NONSENSICAL IT SHOULD BE.
AND HE'S VERY ANGRY WITH ME.
>> Stephen: WHY, YOU HELPED HIM FIND HIS CAT.
>> NO, HE'S STILL NOT FOUND IT.
>> Stephen: AND HE BLAMED YOU?
>> WHAT WE DID WAS TELL PEOPLE IF THEY SAW ANY CAT ANYWHERE
TWEET AND INSTAGRAM HIM AND SAY, "IS THIS YOUR CAT?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE DIDN'T-- HE HAS --
>> WE'VE GOT TO GO HERE IN JUST A SECOND BECAUSE WE'RE UP
AGAINST A HARD BREAK BECAUSE WE'RE LIVE.
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE THIS AMAZING NEWS IS THAT "GILMORE
GIRLS" IS LAUNCHING.
I'M A HUGE "GILMORE GIRLS" FAN.
>> WHO ISN'T.
>> Stephen: THIS WAS IN THE TEASER TRAILER FOR "THE GILMORE
GIRLS."
♪ IF YOU LEAD I WILL FOLLOW
♪ ANY, ANYWHERE ♪ >> DO YOU THINK JOHN OLIVER
WOULD FIND ME HOT?
( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO
ANSWER THAT?
DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW?
>> THE ANSWER IS, YES, I DO FIND YOU HOT.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
I'M A RED-BLOODED MALE WITH AN IN-BUILT HEAT DETECTOR, AND MY
HEAT DETECTOR REGISTERS YOUS AS EN FUEGO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHO WOULD SOUND GOOD SAYING THAT?
TIM KAINE.
JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.