- Well you know I could write about heart rate monitor and
step counting and sleep quality but that's really pedestrian
(whoosh)
Sir that canned food was meant to feed the hungry.
(whoosh)
These are the things that go on inside my head when people
ask for perfectly legitimate requests.
Mornin Trainiacs last month I was asked to write an article
for active network about triathlon metrics and I was like
well you know I could write about heart rate monitor and
step counting and sleep quality but that's really pedestrian
like frankly decades ago that stuff was invented so
normals could track how fit they were
but these metrics haven't kept pace I think with the
super human capabilities of all of us Trainiacs out there
So what I presented to active.com wasn't just your old
namby pamby training data article no I gave them the eight
data points that an honest Garmin would tell us Trainiacs.
For instance forget about like the amount of sleep we get
or the sleep quality that we get how about something that
actually matters like how our sleep quality
affects the other ones in our life and for instance the
scale could be on a range of your wife can't start binge
watching Orange is the New Black past seven o'clock
because you're gonna fall asleep.
- You know the sun's still up right?
- Oh I know
- All the way to if you flash your headlights in your
neighbor's living room one more time at 5:10am you're gonna
have a lawsuit on your hands.
(upbeat music)
These things would be nice to know right? There's more.
Now calories burned in a day for a triathlete it's a useless
metric just assume it's a lot we're gonna burn a lot
we're also gonna eat a lot how about we give our family
members some bit of context for how hungry we are
so they know how dangerous we are to be around when we come
home from work they can all get a notification
and we'll see a metric along the lines of like give Tridad
at least 30 minutes so he's had a chance to empty out all
the cupboards and drawers all the way to,
children hide your toys and anything else that can fit in
Tridad's mouth because he might put them in there and choke.
And while we're on the subject of eating,
I think that calories taken in isn't necessarily totally
useless I think that it just needs to be put into some
context of how we can apply it to our day to day lives.
We're adults we don't need this macronutrients micronutrient
total calories in total calories out complicated formula.
And you might as well try and decipher the hermetic code
no give me something I can use so for instance
I think the metric of what you ate in a day should be
on a scale of something along the lines of like
Sir that canned food was meant to feed the hungry
to you just put an all you can eat buffet out of business
#lifegoals and also I think the devices out there that
give you step counters for triathletes just total hogwash.
I want the feats that we put our bodies through every single
day to be on a scale that makes us feel
like the powerful superhumans that we are.
When I get home I want my fitness tracker
to say something along the lines of
Today Tridad you traveled the distance equivalent to
1/17th the length of Marco Polo's journey through Asia
and you picked up a stravasection from New York
to Timbuktu while doing it.
How good would we feel about ourselves if that's what we
were hearing at the end of the day right?
Now speaking of strava you know there's like the different
body types out there like the ectomorph and the endomorph
and the mesomorph like tall lanky or short and squat
how bout we get a similar sort of reading for what type of
Strava athlete we are I mean you could have Queen of the
Win Doping or King of the Side of the Road Bathroom Breaks
Hard Starter and a Poor Finisher or my personal favorite
Phenomenal Sprinter but only if you've done wheel sucking
throughout the entire rest of the ride.
(upbeat music)
Not gonna name names but this guy
And also all these triathlon watches that are incorporating
like swim metrics into the watch readings yeah those
are designed for actual swimmers meter swim distance per
stroke swim gulf score what real age grouper triathlete
is worried about all these things when really all we're
concerned with doing is getting to the other end of the pool
You fitness tracker jerks how about some metrics for us age
group triathletes that swim like French Bulldogs K
Like for instance when you finish a workout you can get
a reading along the lines of congratulations the lifeguard
didn't even have to get off his perch more than once
because he thought you were drowning.
- Don't worry don't worry I've got it
- You do you - We're good we're good
- You'll look good the entire time
well good relatively speaking.
Or a metric of the number of gallons of water that you have
to spit out of your lungs to clear it all out after a swim.
Huh next thing resting heart rate that is so 1990's.
any triathlete worth their weight in Epsom salts is gonna
be able to tell you within a beat or two what their average
beats per minute are something more today people
is a resting social media tracker
How many times have you got kudos on your last Strava ride?
How many likes do you have on your latest Instagram post?
How many comments do you have on your latest Slowtwitch post
Is there a new Triathlon Taren vlog up yet?
Oh by the way hit the little bell down there
and turn on the notifications if you don't wanna miss it.
I mean we could have this metric easily on a scale of
my 14 year old niece doesn't check her Snapchat as much
as you look at your phone all the way to
if you voted in an online contest every single time
that you checked your phone you could have
easily insured that Clay Aiken had won
American Idol dammit he so deserved it.
And then finally with voice recognition software growing
by leaps and bounds every single month it seems like
why don't we actually take our conversations
and help us triathletes basically just be better humans
with the non-triathlete humans in our lives
Like for instance the voice recognition software could
give us an indication of how often we talk triathlon with
non-triathletes out there the scale would be for instance
something like dude you've told me about your Ironman
12 times this week to
- So you wouldn't believe what was on my bum when I took
my cycling bib shorts off like it was crazy.
- In what world is it okay to tell
a coworker about your saddle sores?
Now Trainiacs you know what I'm not saying that I don't like
fitness trackers I'm just saying there are some
opportunities out there to improve upon them
and make them more triathlon specific.
If you're interested in that article from active.com
I will link it below thank you for watching and listening
to me rant and talk about nonsensical things
these are the things that go on inside my head
when people ask for perfectly legitimate requests
like hey can you write about fitness trackers.
Sure watch me thank you for tuning into my craziness
Trainiacs and if any of you aren't subscribed please
do so so you can get more daily triathlon goodness
Now gonna go warm up Triathlon Taren HQ
and insulate them walls so cold out there.