My mom's dope.
She's adorable.
She's tiny. She's 4'8".
Yeah, she's so small she looks far away.
She should have a little sign on her that says,
"Cubans in the mirror may be closer than they appear."
She's a lovely lady.
She's very critical.
We're hanging out recently. She's like,
"I don't like how you dress.
You don't-- I don't know. I don't like it.
Too many buttons. Why the top button?
What are you hiding?
You look like a-- you look like a--
you look like a teacher that nobody respects.
You look like a magician with no tricks.
It's very sad."
I'm like, "I'm just cold-blooded, Mom."
She's like, "You need to dress like a man.
Like a Cuban man."
I'm like, "What's a Cuban man supposed to dress like?"
She goes, "Like Pitbull."
( laughter, applause )
She wants me to dress like a penis with sunglasses on.
I love Pitbull, I respect Pitbull,
but I'm not gonna dress like a tuxedo mannequin that won the lottery,
you know what I mean?
I grew up in Los Angeles.
Little neighborhood called Inglewood.
( scattered whoops )
Inglewood! All right, hood rats up there. That's cool.
Inglewood's a rough neighborhood.
Maybe-- are you guys familiar with it?
I grew up on the corner of "Go Raiders" and "Fuck Haters."
I went to a rough high school. Our mascot was Cypress Hill.
Man: Yeah!
And one day I got in one little fight,
and my mom got scared.
And she sent me to school in Manhattan Beach, California.
Manhattan Beach is a rich Southern California beach town.
It's all flip flops and Adam's apples.
My new school had a surf team,
a beach volleyball team,
The most popular guy in my grade was named Brogan Malanho.
( surfer voice ) "Dude, fucking Brogan Malanho, dude!"
What a bro. I mean, the first syllable of his name is "bro."
The last one is "ho."
Technically, his name is Bros Before Hos.
He ran for class president.
His poster said, "Brogan.
That's my slogan."
And he won.
He ran unopposed.
It was a crazy time, man. I had to switch schools.
We had to lie about where we lived
so I could go to school in a better district.
Also, my dad was unemployed,
and he wanted to improve his English,
so he joined the adult English as a Second Language program,
adult ESL, at my new school,
during the day.
With me!
So I showed up to a new school with my Pops,
just the Garcia boys, just like,
"Hey, what's up, Brogan?
Brogan's like, "Hey, what's up, Mr. 'Garsha?'"
( staccato laugh )
My dad was not shy.
"Hey, Chris! Hey, stupid!
Hello! You forgot your lunch!
You forgot your lunch, motherfucker!
You not one of these rich kids, okay?
Don't forget where you come from!
You come from Manhattan Beach!
18005 Matthews Avenue, Manhattan Beach, California,
90210 or whatever!
Also, vote for Brogan. He has a very good slogan.
You can't vote in Cuba, so take advantage, man."
My dad got so mad when I didn't make the baseball team.
I didn't make JV. He's all, "O-kay.
I know why you didn't make it.
It's because you masturbate too much!
Too much ( speaks gibberish )!
I know why you're taking two-hour showers, man.
I'm not stupid, okay?
You got nothing left in the tank.
You can't even run around the bases anymore."
And he was right. He was right.
I was 15. I was going for it.
I was going for it so much that...
for, like-- I went through this six-month period
where I was, like, really crazy about--
I had a crush on my next-door neighbor,
this 50-year-old woman named Linda.
And I was 15, and I was like, "Ooh, that's a real woman,"
and I thought she was so pretty,
and for like six months, every morning,
coming from the direction of her apartment,
I heard, like, ( rhythmic squeaks )
And I would imagine us together,
in love, and I would masturbate to that.
I didn't have the internet. We didn't have cable.
I was working with what I had.
I was being resourceful.
One morning, I got a little more ambitious, right?
I jumped up in the shower, opened the window,
tried to look into her window,
and I discovered that this whole time,
I had been masturbating to the sound of a bird.
Six months, I was just like,
"I don't know what it is about Linda.
At the break of day, every morning, she loves to have sex."
It wasn't even a hot bird.
It was a crow. I was cranking it to a crow!
"If this room's a-squawking,
don't bother knocking, mama!"
I've been attracted to goth chicks ever since.