[CLICK]
[MUSIC]
[BUZZ].
[WHOOSH].
[APPLAUSE].
- Hello!
- What's up, everybody?
We are the Zach and the Jess.
- Woah.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
- You guys are gonna have to stop cheering.
We can't hear ourselves.
- Seriously, you guys.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
- That was powerful.
- Yeah.
Let's kick it off.
Five, six, seven, three-
[WHOOSH].
[MUSIC]
- Yo, it's oil spill city out here.
- And we're some cute-ass oily penguins.
- Some of y'all been knitting sweaters for us?
- And while we appreciate the sentiment,.
- That shit's whack!
Don't put a sweater on a penguin.
We don't need sweaters.
You need to get your shit together.
We weather the weather whatever the weather.
Already got better sweaters from God, they're called feathers.
- [MUSIC]
Woke up covered in muck.
- It would be hard to clean it off, let's just cover it up, said no penguin ever.
- Why? Because a sweater's only
gonna press the oil in my feathers together.
- Listen. We just met.
Don't know what you've been told, but
we penguins tend to do kinda fine in the cold.
- Idiots.
How did you people even evolve,
by putting sweaters on the problems that need to be solved?
- But ain't gonna help since you're so upset, so
we'll break it down for you in some simple steps.
- Step one, stop spilling oil.
The end.
- Do you need Morgan Freeman to say it again?
- Morgan says.
- Don't put a sweater on a-
- Penguin.
- They're used to the cold because they are a-
- Penguin.
- When you spill lots of oil, it fucks with the-
- Penguin.
- And you know who can't take sweaters off?
A- - Penguin.
- Do you want me to die in this?
Thanks for knitting me a coffin.
- This is a tuxedo.
You're dressing me down.
- Hit it.
- Don't put a sweater on a penguin.
We don't need sweaters.
You need to get your shit together.
We weather the weather whatever the weather.
Already got better sweaters from God, they're called feathers.
- Would that be like if you guys got covered in oil and
we said, you know what might help them?
Oh, let's cover them in tinfoil.
- The humans look so cute in tinfoil, like little burritos.
- Idiots.
- For real, though, stop with the oily shit.
- We're dying out here.
[MUSIC] Ooh!
- [APPLAUSE].
- And that was the greatest song ever written.
- Until this one.
[MUSIC]
- Greetings, human fools.
We are two awesome cyborgs.
- We are human, but with the strength of a robot.
With the strength of a human and the strength of a robot.
We've got the strength of a human and the strength of a robot.
But we tend to only use the strength of a robot.
Because the robot strength is more than a human has got.
We have the heart of a human and the heart of a lion.
We only use the lion heart, because it beats like a tyrant.
We have the hearing of a human and the hearing of bats.
We only use the bat hearing, human hearing is wack.
We have the fin of a robot and the fin of a shark.
We got rid of the fin of a robot cuz it rusted apart.
We have the calves of a human and the calves of a cow.
We used to use half of the calf of a calf but we only use human calves now.
Whale endurance, goat athletics, meercat manners, puppy devotion, stallion spirit,
peacock glamour, salmon flavor, human emotion.
Human fear and loathing, human hubris and anxiety in social situations and
awareness of mortality.
And human insecurity, propensity for injury, opposable thumbs!
And the voice of a duck.
[QUACK].
- If you had cholera, you don't anymore.
- You're welcome.
- That song cures cholera.
- This next song can only be heard by dogs.
- This is a just for dogs song.
- [BARK].
- That guy gets it.
- Are you sure you want to do this?
- Jess, if I'm not supposed to summon a rad demon on a whim,
then I don't understand the point of living.
- Christmas is the point of living.
- Fair point.
But, maybe we'll summon a Christmas demon.
- Do you think that's even a thing?
- I honestly don't know.
But are you prepared to never find out?
- No, I'm not.
- Me neither.
[MUSIC]
- Let's do this.
[CLAP]
[MUSIC]
[CRASH].
[MUSIC] - Knocked over trash in a pentagram
'neath the rising of the moon.
Summons the Bandit of
Darkness, the Demon Raccoon.
You are now possessed by the Demon Raccoon.
Your thoughts are our food, and they're being consumed.
Now bend to my will or you'll suffer the lash.
And my will is for you to knock over the trash.
Seek my enemies far and wide.
Go to their houses and break inside.
Sneak into the kitchen where they keep the knives.
And then knock over the trash.
Go to school where the children play.
A Sunday school where the children play.
And knock over a desk and then run away.
But first knock over the trash.
The trash, now go through the trash.
Search for delicious treasure hidden deep in the trash.
For one man's trash is another man's.
Good, while he's distracted, go knock over the trash.
Trash, trash, trash, trash, trash, trash, trash.
Kidnap a virgin Carry her away deep into the woods.
Shoot, there isn't any trash here, but
you could find a wrapper in her pocket and knock over the trash.
Record them while they sleep.
They're under the covers.
Gently creep to the trash in the bathroom, gross, bathroom trash is gross.
Stupid bathroom.
Run into the kitchen and knock over the trash.
Oh.
Trash.
Oh.
Demon Raccoon demands you knock over the trash.
Knock over the trash.
Except for bathroom trash.
Bathroom trash is gross.
Demon Raccoon!
[WHOOSH].
- Wow.
That was weird.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Try again for a Christmas demon?
Yup.
- Guys, thank you so
much, but we couldn't do this without the help of our incredible band.
So we need to take a second to meet them all.
On the piccolo, Miss Barbara Walters.
- On the violin, Miss Rosie O'Donnell.
- Playing a big piano, in tandem, it's Meredith Vieira and Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
- And, of course, last but not least, on the church organ.
- Whoopie Goldberg.
We're gonna keep this rolling.
Just got one more song in here for you.
One, two.
[HUM].
[TABLEWARE_CLINKING].
- Pass the salt?
- I can't do this anymore.
- Okay.
[MUSIC] Guess what, America?
- We just broke up.
- With each other!
- Do we look sad about it?
- Haha.
- We're rational adults.
- And physicists.
- Yeah, you mad cuz you broke up?
Guess what?
Space gives no fucks.
Your small dick was break up causation?
I'm trying to figure out grand unification.
Doesn't matter if your dick is the size of a quark,
the only matter that matters is the matter that's dark.
So unless your dick goes on forever.
- Like space does.
- Space is better.
Relationship problems, we all got em.
Take for example, his dick was too small.
- Yeah. - No one cares in this galaxy.
It's hard for you to find his phallus, see.
This guy didn't even take a double when I said his dick needed the Hubble.
- Telescope.
- We broke up cuz of other trouble.
His favorite nebula's the horse, mine's the bubble.
- Plus my dick was too small.
- Push the ones you love away.
Why waste time with human emotion when space is bigger than a billion oceans.
- And leave your fiance.
- Problems get red dwarfed by space.
Higgs particles are bigger than the tears on my face.
- Combine all dicks on Earth into one big super dick.
Space is still way bigger.
- Plus her vagina's huge.
- What? - Shh.
[WHOOSH].
- [APPLAUSE].
- So who's the fifth ninja turtle?
- There isn't a fifth one, there's only four.
- Yeah, the pink one.
- There's not a pink one.
- The one with the gun.
- No, none of them have guns, I, you're thinking of the Power Rangers.
- The girl one, the girl ninja turtle.
- No.
April?
- April.
[LAUGH].
- There are three things you need to know about mantis shrimp.
One, they have tetrochromatic vision.
- Two, their punches break the sound barrier.
- Three, they're American heroes.
- You, a shrimp and a mantis.
The fists of Atlantis.
You punched all in your domain.
Until the diver came.
How'd he dive so deep?
Super cube.
- Now, stuck in this tank, and
I know they think they can tame your wild instincts.
Tell you what I think.
And it's not a hunch.
- You have got to punch.
You wouldn't tell a horse not to run.
Or the Sun not to sun.
Or a gun not to gun.
Or tell girls just not have fun.
Because they gotta have fun, and they've got to brunch.
So you've got to punch your way free to get back to the sea, to be all you can be.
Punch that diving guy right in his knee supersonically.
It's gonna hurt a bunch.
Cuz it's a mantis punch.
- Ooh.
- Home free once again, but what is this, damn!
You're abducted by some clams.
And they're racist clams.
They are Ku Klux clams.
And they hate America.
But you love America.
So you punch a clam in the face.
For its views about race.
To make a more peaceful place.
Start at the top and work down.
Punch the clam captain.
Make the captain crunch with your mantis punch.
Now America needs you to go and box Vladimir Putin.
- Putin.
- But you realize punching him is a short-sighted way to win.
- To win.
- Give him your tetrochromatic vision.
Help him to see.
And now that Vladimir Putin sees infrared light
he can see all the future that is civil rights.
- He sees gay people are just people.
- He's an American hero.
- Gay people are just, are just people.
- Mantis shrimp, an American hero.
He is a hero.
- Gay people are, gay people are heroes.
- You wouldn't tell a hand who to glove or a dove who to dove.
Cuz when push comes to shove, you can't tell a man who to love.
Love don't work that way.
Love is grandest.
Thank you, mantis shrimp.
- [LAUGH] And it wasn't.
- [LAUGH] It wasn't at all.
- It totally wasn't.
- It wasn't.
- [LAUGH] Mm, next.
Oh, Chimera's getting a pizza, Chimera's getting a pizza.
But ordering a pizza is trying for a snake and a goat and a lion.
- Lion head, goat head, snake coming out my butt.
- Hungry for Dominos, Papa John's, or Pizza Hut.
But only the best goes in my face.
So, you know, we only order from the local place.
- Support small business in your community, and
you support it the most by getting extra cheese.
- I'm lactose intolerant, so cheese is a no.
- But that would just be sauce and bunch of dough.
- Well, only if the dough is, like, gluten free.
- You can eat cheese and wheat, you share a stomach with me.
I'm calling it in.
Time for a. - Topping vote.
- I'm thinking artichoke, what are you thinking, goat?
- [GOAT_BRAYING]. - Goat says that he wants sausage.
- No, you want sausage, cuz you look like a sausage.
- She looks like a sausage, she looks like a sausage.
- [GOAT_BRAYING]. - Goat, I can't understand your lisp.
- He wants green bell peppers, but cut into strips.
- Oh, all right.
Wait a minute!
She looks like green bell peppers cut into strips.
- Snake, you put the iss into narcissist.
- Okay, fine, let's just get some cheesy breadsticks.
- Chimera ordered some bread sticks, but goat still ordered a pizza with cheese and
rakes and tin cans, and now Snake has a bunch of new friends.
- Stack of tin cans, meet rake and breadsticks.
Ha!
We're all so thin.
- Theeeeeeee end.
- [APPLAUSE].
- Wow, thank you so much.
- Thank you so much.
We are the Zach and the Jess.
- And you've been dead the whole time.
- [GASP].
- You're all ghosts.
- Welcome to heaven!
- Oh, cool, we're in Heaven.
[WHOOSH]