WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG STORY--
I'M GLAD TO HEAR THESE PEOPLE ALL SOUND HEALTHY AND HAPPY,
BECAUSE THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE THE LOOMING THREAT OF THE
CORONAVIRUS.
FOR LENT, I AM GIVING UP LICKING DOORKNOBS.
NOW, CONCERNS OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ARE GROWING, BUT FEAR
NOT-- THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE HAS A SOLEMN DUTY TO PROTECT
HIMSELF, BECAUSE THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS AFRAID THAT THE
CORONAVIRUS WILL HURT HIS RE-ELECTION BID.
I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT TRANSCRIPT BEING RELEASED.
( AS TRUMP )
I NEED INFORMATION ON A 'HUNTER' CORONAVIRUS."
( LAUGHTER )
REASSURE US.
>> THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
REALLY?
>> Jon: YE, REALLY NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY COMFORTING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( AS PILOT )
SPEAKING.
WE ARE BEGINNING OUR FINAL DESCENT INTO CHICAGO'S
O'HARE AIRPORT.
PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A SOLID CHANCE OF
LANDING THIS SUCKER.
I SAY, ODDS ARE 60-40 WE WALK AWAY FROM THIS."
TRUMP KNOWS WHO'S TO BLAME FOR WHAT HE SEES AS UNNECESSARY
PANIC: "LOW RATINGS FAKE NEWS MSDNC, COMCAST, AND CNN ARE
DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE CARE-ONAVIRUS LOOK AS
BAD AS POSSIBLE."
( AS TRUMP )
CONTAINED.
IT WILL NOT BECOME A PAM-DAME-IC, LIKE SMALL PAX, THE
SWANE FLU, OR SEARS."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR A DISEASE?
WELL, HERE'S THE THING, THE STOCK MARKET FELL ALMOST 2,000
POINTS IN TWO DAYS AND WAS DOWN AGAIN TODAY.
SO TO QUELL THE PANIC ON THE STREET, TRUMP DISPATCHED WHITE
HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISER AND-- OH, MY GOD.
HE'S GOT THE VIRUS!
( LAUGHTER )
LOOKS LIKE.
LARRY KUDLOW.
KUDLOW WENT ON THE TV YESTERDAY AND HE SAID THESE WORDS:
>> WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.
WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.
I WON'T SAY AIRTIGHT, BUT PRETTY CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD, OH, GOOD.
BECAUSE ALL YOU NEED TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF A VIRUS IS "PRETTY
CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT."
I MEAN, WE ALL WATCHED "THE HOT ZONE":
>> HOLE! HOLE! HOLE!
IT'S STILL PRETTY CLOSE TOW AIRTIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
KNOW HOW THAT SHOW ENDS.
ANOTHER TRUMP GUY TRYING TO PUT THE NATION AT EASE IS ACTING
HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY AND MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS NAME IS
CHAD WOLF.
YESTERDAY, IN HIS SENATE TESTIMONY, THE WOLF GOT NEUTERED
BY REPUBLICAN JOHN KENNEDY ABOUT THE PERCENTAGE OF CORONAVIRUS
MORTALITY RATES.
>> IT'S BETWEEN WOEN.5 AND 2%.
>> OKAY, WHAT'S THE MORTALITY RATE FOR INFLUENZA OVER THE
LAST, SAY, TEN YEARS?
>> IT'S ALSO RIGHT AROUND THAT PERCENTAGE AS WELL.
I DON'T HAVE THAT OFFHAND, BUT IT'S AROUND 2% AS WELL.
>> YOU SURE OF THAT?
>> IT'S A LITTLE-- YES SIR.
>> Stephen: JUDGES?
("PRICE IS RIGHT" LOSING TROMBONE SOUNDS)
CHAD, I'M SORRY.
THE MORTALITY RATE FOR THE FLU IS ACTUALLY AROUND 0.1%.
SO HE WAS ONLY OFF BY 2000%.
HE WOULD BE A TERRIBLE PHARMACIST.
( AS PHARMACIST )
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE 200 PILLS EVERY FOUR MINUTES WITH A
MEAL."
LOUVRE LAUGH NOW, FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS LED
MANY TO WEAR MASKS IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THE C.D.C. HAS
RELEASED THIS ACTUAL GRAPHIC, DETAILING WHICH STYLES OF FACIAL
HAIR ARE BEST FOR WEARING RESPIRATOR MASKS AND WHICH ONES
DO NOT WORK.
OH, GOD, ALL OF BROOKLYN IS DEAD.
LOUVRE LAUGH THIGH WILL BE MISSED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY WILL BE MISSED.
OF COURSE, THE STYLE THAT GIVES THE MASK THE BEST SEAL IS
CLEAN-SHAVEN, BUT OTHER SAFE STYLES INCLUDE ZORRO, WALRUS,
AND, BEST OF ALL, SOUL PATCH.
SO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CONTINUED HEALTH SMASH MOUTH!
♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME MY BEARD WAS GONNA SAVE ME
♪ I'M PRETTY COOL THAT I'M NOT DEAD ♪
NOTICE WE'RE ALL-- THAT'S ALL THERE IS, THAT'S ALL THERE IS OF
THAT SONG.
WE'RE ALL STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE,
WHERE ALL THE CANDIDATES ADOPTED BERNIE'S PLAN OF YELLING ABOUT
BERNIE'S PLANS.
LOUVER LAUGH I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE
CAMPAIGN IN TONIGHT'S: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> I BEAT TRUMP.
>> THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS THAT I'M BORING.
>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS.
>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
>> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.
>> BING-BING, BOANG-BONG.
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020."
>> Stephen: TODAY--
PEOPLE LOVE-- PEOPLE LOVE "THE FURY ROAD."
TODAY, DONALD TRUMP JUMPED IN WITH HIS OWN REVIEW OF THE
DEBATE: "CRAZY, CHAOTIC DEMOCRAT DEBATE
LAST NIGHT.
FAKE NEWS SAID BIDEN DID WELL, EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HALF OF OUR
POPULATION WAS SHOT TO DEATH.
WOULD BE OVER FOR MOST.
MINI-MIKE WAS WEAK AND UNSTEADY, BUT HELPED GREATLY BY HIS
MANY COMMERCIALS, WHICH ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALLOWED-- DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- DURING A DEBATE.
POCAHONTAS WAS MEAN AND UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY AIMING AT
CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI-MIKE.
THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A
"CHOCKER."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: "CHOKER."
I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL "CHOKER" BUT FAILED TO PERFORM
THE CRUCIAL TASK AT THE KEY MOMENT WHEN EVERYTHING WAS ON
THE LINE.
NOW, ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD-- TOOK A SECOND BUT THUMP.
ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD TO RECAPTURE THE LEAD IS FORMER
VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO BREAKS ALL THE HEARTS ON BINGO
NIGHT, JOE BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
HARD IN RECENT WEEKS, AND HE'S BEEN REPEATING THIS STORY ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE TRIED TO VISIT NELSON MANDELA IN PRISON.
>> I CAME BACK FROM SOUTH AFRICA TRYING TO SEE NELSON MANDELA AND
GETTING ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO SEE HIM ON ROBBIN'S ISLAND.
I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF MEETING HIM.
I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF BEING ARRESTED WITH OUR U.N.
AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET TO SEE HIM IN ROBBINS ISLAND.
>> Stephen: THAT'SOON INCREDIBLY MOVING STORY.
THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT EVEN MORE MOVING IS IS IF IT
HAPPENED.
BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, HE WAS NOT ARRESTED.
IN FACT, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS ADMITTED THAT, NO, HE DID NOT
WHILE HE WAS A CONGRESSIONALLAL TRIP IN THE 1970s, BIDEN WAS
NOTE ARRESTED BUT HE WAS SEPARATED FROM HIS PARTY AT THE
AIRPORT.
NELSON MANDELA WAS IN PRISON FOR 27 YEARS BUT ONE TIME I LOST
SIGHT OF MY COWORKERS IN A DELTA TERMINAL.
WAIT, WHERE DID YOU GO?
THERE YOU ARE.
WYATT, YOU'RE GONE NOW.
BARACK!
( LAUGHTER )
NEW YORK MAYOR AND OLD MAN ASKING "NOW IS THIS THE WHIP OR
THE NAE NAE."
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.
MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF ATTENTION FOR OPENING A FIRE
HYDRANT OF MONEY TO SPREAD HIS CORE MESSAGE THAT HE HAS A FIRE
HYDRANT OF MONEY AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO PUSH THINGS EVEN
FURTHER BY CLAIMING HE TOOK ON A NEW CAMPAIGN ADVISER:
THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF E!
THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S GETTING ADVICE FROM THE FOLKS THAT
BROUGHT YOU THE KARDASHIANS.
SO GET READY TO SEE MIKE BLOOMBERG BREAK THE INTERNET.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
APPARENTLY, THE PRIMARY TASK OF THIS NEW ADVISOR IS TO GET
LATE-NIGHT HOSTS TO WORK CAMPAIGN THEMES INTO THEIR
MONOLOGUES, CLAIMING, "IF YOU HEAR STEPHEN COLBERT MENTIONING
MIKE BLOOMBERG MORE OFTEN IN THE COMING WEEKS, IT MAY NOT BE BY
ACCIDENT."
I RESENT THAT ACCUSATION!
LOUVRE LAUGH ALL OF MY MONOLOGUE COMES
TOGETHER BY ACCIDENT.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S MY HEAD WRITER.
THAT'S PICKLES.
THAT IS MY HEAD WRITER, PICKLES.
HE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE '57.
HE'S NOT TRYING TO BUY TIME IN LATE NIGHT.
HE WANTS TO DEVELOP UNPAID RELATIONSHIPS WITH LATE-NIGHT
TALK SHOW HOSTS.
WHICH I FIND EVEN MORE INSULTING.
AS A PRINCIPLED COMEDIAN, I WOULD NEVER SHAPE MY CONTENT
AROUND A PERSON OR A BRAND FOR FREE.
NO!
>> Jon: COME ON NOW.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A BETRAYAL OF ALL THE BRANDS WHO
PAY ME.
SO, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, LISTEN HERE: IF YOU COME KNOCKING ON MY
DOOR, I WON'T ANSWER.
BUT I WILL KNOW YOU'RE THERE THANKS TO NEST DOORBELL FROM
GOOGLE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JASON SEGAL IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I HAVE A MEAL WITH ELIZABETH WARREN.
STICK AROUND.