It's a Momtruth, Momtruth Friday
This is not the stuff you read in books . This is the stuff wecan only tell you
because we experience seven times a good way to prep forhaving a baby yet like cozy into your, really cozy
get comfortable like you're soooo tired and sooo
comfy maybe even have a bath before.. yeah and you're in there and you're just
ready to and then looking alarm goes off and it's like in your head it doesn't
stop and it doesn't stop but it doesn't stop then you have to get up and then
you go downstairs and you like kind of you slowly figure out how to turn it off
and then you slowly put it down again and then you get back into bed for you
and then you set off the alarm and then it goes off again I get some really
annoying sounds like maybe like pots and pans banging that bang, bang over and over
and over again, yeah
over and over and over. Constantly that sound that makes your brain rattle and
you know what set the alarms to the sound of an ambulance because it always
sounds like an emergency. and then play it like 3-7 pm or 4-7pm it doesn't stop you can't do anything about it
like right around that dinner time. Like you can't shut it off there's no turn off button it just
goes it goes
if you do have other kids make sure that you know you get something else that
talks too turn on your synthesizer another synthesizer and like an like nerenrenrenrenrnenr
so you have 4 nosies all going at you at once
and while you're trying to cook
and also feed all of them because they all have different things one can't eat
food if one's about to eat food
make sure you know like the ins and outs of you know choking because you can't
just sit and put food in front of a baby they put in their mouth and then you're
like seeing their on high alert
make sure you're stressed every time a line get ready to make a really
important phone call and make sure that your phone cuts out every three minutes
no, no every 30 seconds pardon pardon pardon
make sure practice bouncing, start bouncing just bouncing because you'll be bouncing a lot. Go in
your car and Blare the sound of like in between radio stations and try driving a long distance with that sound
with one hand like this yeah, with one hand so you're driving like
this
and if you have to pee don't all day not like not even for one second don't like
you pee so badly but don't
and then you forget about it and your bladder kinds of becomes numb. just
don't ever pee until maybe like ten o'clock at night if you're lucky. And
make sure you like beat your body like your boobs, tug on your nipples and
then put needles in them put needles
Accupuncture in the nipples will prepare you. and then be like
I'm gonna feed that baby and then make sure you get them is big like balloon them, punch them
and stab them
punch punch stab stab then punch punch stab and make sure you maybe do like a
lot of ahhh how to swell your vagina i'm not sure how you do it but make sure
it's like pounded and then ride a horse a really aggressive horse for a long-time a long
time like ours like 20 hours in a row . Put a little bit of barf and sh*t all
over your self and then stay up for four nights and then get your husband to ask
for sex a-- you should sit down to a meal you're starving you haven't eaten in like in
like a year and all of a sudden
throw it on the floor and then sit down and make it again and then sit down and
throw it on the floor
yeah don't get it in your mouth because that will never happen ever
I would just say make sure that you have a delivery service of cases of wine and
coffee in the again a big huge pot
yeah and just cry... every once in a while , cry in public, cry in the middle
of the grocery store, cry when someone asks you a question
where'd you get your shoes, cry because then when it happens to you for
real, it won't be weird
and if your husband like asks you like I'm gonna stay for drinks after
work one day
just be prepared to yell yell yell be pissed and try swaddling a lobster, a
lobster? or an octopus swaddle an octopus because they always are
able to get out of that thing so practice with an octopus make sure you ninja
you never ever just walked down the stairs again
find all the creaks in your house right now and then in the dark
take out your octopus and change its diaper in the middle of the
night. Change your octopus's diaper and a try swaddiling it then put it back down
Ya, it is like a bomb, back down. But don't wake it up
Then go upstairs, go like this, set an alarm,
get in your car,
blare the sound, Back to square one
kind of a tiny prep, tiny prep
But really , third time here. It really is magical...motherhood. That is the momtruth for today