KHS Presents News from the West.
News, stories, and voices from the modern frontier.
Tonight, breaking news, distress in the desert,
technological advancements disrupt the home, and baby fever sweeps our communities.
Introducing your host, Raymond Burrows.
Good evening. I am your host Raymond Burrows.
And you are listening to KHS News from the West.
We begin with Breaking News from the California-Nevada border.
Last week, our program shared eyewitness reports of a quote “flying object”
that seemingly crash-landed in the desert.
Today,
the truth becomes more clear.
Correspondent Archie Rutherford on the ground has more.
We’re just here for a visit.
What, many locals have been describing as an otherworldly phenomenon
may finally be brought back down to Earth.
Military officials are speaking for the first time since the eyewitness reports rolled in one week ago.
We’ve been told that a representative from the US Air Force
will be addressing the press shortly and—oh it looks like an officer is arriving now. Let’s listen in.
Good evening, everyone.
The aircraft that has crashed in the area is a confirmed result of military testing.
We can confirm there are neither casualties nor property damage associated with this event.
Per protocol, we will be conducting an investigation on site.
As such, we’d like to remind civilians that this area will be off-limits for their safety.
Trespassers will face harsh consequences should they attempt to interfere with our investigation.
We ensure that all is indeed quiet on the Western front. Thank you for your time.
And there you have it.
A result of a routine flight test and nothing more.
We’ve been informed that all civilian access within a 25-mile radius
will be restricted for an indeterminate amount of time.
Any trespassers will be detained by military forces.
Locals are questioning the necessity of these measures,
but representatives assure that this is merely base protocol.
This is Archie Rutherford signing off. Back to you, Raymond.
And now,
rumors of radical military technology being repurposed for the kitchen
have America’s homemakers up in arms.
They’re calling it
The Microwave.
Could this device be the wave of the future?
Or is our national ingenuity flying too close to the radiated sun?
Our correspondent with more.
6 feet tall. 750 pounds.
No, it’s not your refrigerator –
it's the latest in modern electrical cooking.
Engineers announced today their intentions to repurpose radar technology
developed during World War II to nuke your dinner in no time.
Retailers are in hopes of exploding demand.
Homemakers are worrying about exploding their heads.
You don’t have to be afraid.
Do I want to put a delicious dinner on the table?
Absolutely.
Do I want to blow up my family?
No siree.
I run my home
just fine without these gadgets from who knows where trying to put radiation in my brain.
Keep the weapons on the battlefield, boys, and get outta my kitchen.
Engineers urge that these American-made devices are safe and family-friendly.
And even report that they’re already at work on a newer model
thanks to some surprising revelations in their ongoing research.
Allow us to enlighten you.
This is KHS News From the West. We’ll be right back after this important message.
A Mother knows that the key to a happy home is that warm feeling of safety and security.
When the children are at play, our trusty husbands are away,
and you’re in the kitchen cooking all day –
you never know who could come a knockin’.
Invaders from far away lands could be all around us and who knows what they’re capable of!
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Our world is dying.
We’re back with KHS News from the West.
Our test subjects...
After the charmingly titled post-war Baby Boom bolstered our economy
and filled our communities with happy families in the last few years,
reports suggest that the boom is feeling bigger than ever
with reported fertility rates on the rise in various regions.
The spike feels sudden and puzzling to certain members of the medical community.
Our test subjects have failed.
Just this past week, we’ve seen a 30% increase in maternity patients.
New expecting mothers have flooded our waiting rooms.
We’re concerned that we may not be able to meet demand. There must be something in the air!
We need more.
Our nation’s Surgeon General suggests that the national mood is at an all-time high
and families are simply eager to grow.
Concentration is merely a coincidence.
Is the nation prepared for another boost in the population?
Only time will tell.
More news after this message.
Relaxation. Escape. American innovation.
Your family deserves the USA-made television set.
Families everywhere are turning on their dials and going on adventures from the comforts of their homes.
Breadwinners are staying sharp and getting their news like never before.
Mothers finally have some well-deserved help keeping those kiddos occupied.
Theta Brand television sets are top of the line,
serving up to four, yes four, channels.
Don’t let your neighbors beat you to it!
Just tune in and we’ll take care of the rest!
I love my Theta TV set.
It’s like nothing you've ever seen.
We end this evening’s program with a breaking weather update. Our correspondent is on the scene.
Well, here on the ground, it is clear.
If you can hear in the distance that major dust storms are headed to the area in mere hours.
Time.
Seconds I believe. And as destructive dust winds overtake the region, military officials report...
for both...
that the desert plains will be occupied and protected by the government,
thank goodness, for the time being with no civilian access...
our people...
permitted. There are many people and military officials.
Excuse me, sir. The area may be permanently commandeered for military use after the dust takes its toll.
Here’s today’s message from local officials.
is running out.
Your attention, please.
Residents in the desert plains who do not heed our warning to leave will not survive this storm.
Get out now.
Wow! Oh, golly.
You heard it here folks, if I were you, I’d get out while you can.
Run, don’t walk. Back to you, Raymond.
And that concludes tonight’s program.
Be it an incoming storm,
objects in the sky,
or a baby on board,
one thing is for certain – the future is always on its way.
Here’s to what comes tomorrow.
Goodnight.
We appreciate your cooperation, Mr. President.
This was KHS News From the West signing off.
Thank you for tuning in.