But I had a lot of free time
when I was traveling on the road.
So I just like to read
on the internet a lot.
And I read online,
I stumbled upon this website that's
nothing but facts.
And I found this one fact,
and it said 20% of people
experienced deja vu.
Which is kind of a high number.
And I also thought like, I think
I've read this before.
(audience laughing)
Yes, no.
All right, cool.
So I just kept reading these facts.
like, did you know
if 33 million people held hands they
can make it all
the way around the equator.
It's true.
Most of them would drown.
(audience laughing)
Some geography buffs, some not.
It takes 3,000 cows to produce
enough leather for the NFL for one
year.
And it only takes one to vegan
with that piece of information
to ruin a Super Bowl party.
(audience laughing)
A daddy-longlegs uses its own legs
to floss its teeth.
It's an insect I think is OK.
But my uncle does the same thing
and the spider hates it.
(audience laughing)
Everyone, aww.
He's my uncle, you don't know him.
(audience laughing)
Only 8% of people
stick to their weight loss goals.
And the other 92% of people
are happy.
(audience laughing)
And I read this online too, only 20%
of people experience deja vu.
It's pretty crazy, right?
(audience laughing)
I read it.
I think I've read this before.
(audience laughing)
That's the me-- All right cool.
We're good.
Put a can of Coke in water
it'll sink.
If you put a can of Diet Coke
and water it will float.
If you put a can of PBR in water,
still tastes like crap.
It's a terrible beer.
It's called PBR.
But it should be PPR,
past participation ribbon.
Because they tried but they're just
not as good as actual beer.
And if you like PBR, learn better.
It's so bad.
(audience laughing)
I found this out too.
Fish don't learn to swim in schools.
Like they just do it.
They don't learn to swim in schools.
Mainly, because they take
online classes.
I agree with you.
It's silly, I know, I know, I know.
But this last one is fun
and I think this kind
of encapsulates why 2020 might have
happened.
Only 60% of people wash their hands
after they use the restroom.
Yeah, it's true and the other 40%
are men.
(audience laughing)
He's like,
You're one of them.
I know.
Oh man, Here's a fun fact that you
probably wouldn't have guessed when
I came up here.
I had open-heart surgery when I was
16 years old.
Yeah, I wanted my driver's license
but, you know, get what you can.
(audience laughing)
I did, I had open-heart surgery.
And I also got a pacemaker
installed, it's pretty cool.
I like the pacemaker because I feel
like I'm part terminator.
All my friends are like, "I'll knock
"you out."
And I'm like, I'll be back.
You know, like.
(audience laughing)
But I got to-- and the funny thing
is I actually had to get
the pacemaker switched out not too
long ago.
And I can't remember what
the new company is that put
the pacemaker in.
But I wish it would have been made
by Apple.
Apple has all the cool stuff.
They got the iPhone, Apple Watch,
All that fun stuff.
And in theory, it's theoretical,
but you can download apps
on your pacemaker.
Obviously, it's not real but I can
just imagine going to see
the doctor.
He's like, "your weight, blood
"pressure, everything looks good.
"Let's just give you a listen."
He's like,
(beat boxing)
"What in the world is that?"
I was like, my new app.
He's like, "app?"
What are you--
I'm like, dude,
it's heartbeats by Dre.
(audience laughing)
Maybe iHeartRadio.
Who knows?
(audience laughing)
But I got it done.
And I also got this,
the open-heart surgery.
And before you go in
for any major surgery,
they make you take
a medical questionnaire.
To make sure you're not going to be
allergic to anything
during the procedure.
And the first question she asked
me was.
"Are you allergic to anything?"
And I said, kryptonite.
And she goes," OK.
"How do you spell that?"
(audience laughing)
It's like J-O-K-E It's a joke.
Like, OK.
It's early, I will let that one slide.
But I go in for the surgery.
Everything goes fine.
(phone ringing)
Phone.
And I go in, everything's fine.
And my stepdad knew the girl
in the recovery room.
And he was like, "hey man if things
"work out, talk to this girl.
"Might get a date out of it."
I was like, dude,
this is a terrible time
to try and hook me up with a date.
This is terrible.
He's like, "why?"
I go, because I'm going to come out
of surgery.
And I'm going to be high as a kite.
And I'm going to do nothing
but tell her the truth.
Which is not something you do
on a first date.
Am I right, sir?
She's like, dude, you better-- what
is he talking about.
He's like, I don't know.
We always lie at the first-- just
a little bit.
Tiny, tiny little bit.
Like I've been on first dates
and the girls was like, "Oh,
"I got two cats."
And I'm like, I love cats.
I can't stand cats.
I'm not a fan.
They haven't tested well.
We need to discontinue the cat.
My opinion.
Either way.
That's exactly what happened.
I came out of surgery high
as a kite.
And I was just like, dang girl.
Whoa.
Your teeth are jacked up.
What?
(audience laughing)
You can open bottles with those.
(audience laughing)
Call you Swiss army mouth, man.
(audience laughing)
There was no second date.
Calm down.
Sadly, ironically, broke my heart.
(audience laughing)