DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: In the fall of 2020,
Republicans in the United States
House of Representatives were battling
to choose a new leader.
He would need to be crazy enough to win over
the far right, but boring enough
that he wouldn't spook the slightly less far right.
And so the party settled on Mike Johnson.
No, wait, sorry, that's him.
[ding]
But who is Mike Johnson?
No, really, who the [bleep] is he?
Many people are asking, who is Mike Johnson?
Who is Mike Johnson, exactly?
REPORTER: Senator Susan Collins said,
quote, "I was going to google him this morning."
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: Then after Susan Collins
saw millions upon millions of images of dicks,
she found this.
People are curious, what does Mike Johnson think
about any issue under the sun?
I said, well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf
and read it.
That's my worldview.
That's what I believe.
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: Jesus Christ.
The GOP had found their man so bland he'll put you to sleep,
but so insane he might murder you in it.
[scream]
This is The Daily Showography of Mike Johnson, crazy boring.
Long before America knew Mike Johnson as an alive man
with a face and hair and body parts
who was two heartbeats away from the presidency,
he was just a boy who had a smaller face and hair and body
parts growing up in Louisiana.
In 1984, when Johnson was 12, his fireman father narrowly
survived an explosion.
Later, Johnson recalled, "All I ever aspired to be
was a fireman."
But his parents "wouldn't let us be firemen after that."
It was a life-changing moment.
A person could just forbid other people
from living their lives the way they wanted?
That's what Mike wanted to do when he grew up.
Soon, Mike became the first member of his family
to attend college.
Despite his Bible-based upbringing,
he chose notorious party school LSU, where he was definitely
not in this footage.
[cheering]
After graduating LSU law school,
this generic man married his generic life partner.
But don't worry, their marriage also had a crazy side.
Mike and Kelly were wed under an unusual arrangement known
as covenant marriage, which essentially makes
it illegal to get divorced.
Embarking on his legal career, Mike Johnson
was hired by the toughest client of all, God.
As an advocate for evangelical organizations,
Johnson fought to close abortion clinics,
denounce birth control as the taking of human life,
and declared gay marriage--
CREEPY VOICE: "The dark harbinger of chaos
and sexual anarchy that could doom
even the strongest republic."
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: If same-sex marriage is allowed,
Johnson wrote, there would be nothing to stop people
from marrying their pets.
Yes, God's blandest warrior fought
to make sure a visit to the pound didn't end with a trip
to pound town.
It was around this time that Johnson hopped on board Noah's
Ark, specifically, a full-sized replica
built by a creationist museum to teach kids
that the Earth is 6,000 years old
and that people and dinosaurs lived together.
Johnson represented the Ark Encounter
in a successful fight for the right to public funding
and became something of a spokesman
for God's jungle cruise.
The Ark Encounter is one way to bring people
to this recognition of the truth
that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events.
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: In 2016, Johnson would take part
in an actual historical event of his own,
getting elected to Congress.
As a new Congressman, Johnson signed a pledge
to play nicely with the other representatives, even
the godless perverts.
We've all committed to mutually respect one another,
to disagree in an agreeable manner.
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: It was another beautiful
covenant marriage.
And Johnson has been true to his word,
maintaining a perfectly inoffensive civil demeanor
as he championed Donald Trump's Muslim ban,
shrugged off climate change as natural,
and pushed for a nationwide Don't Say Gay law.
One of Johnson's most notable bills
would ban almost all abortions after six weeks, and not
just to save the unborn babies, also to save Social Security.
Roe v. Wade gave constitutional cover
to the elective killing of unborn children in America.
If we had all those able-bodied workers in the economy,
we wouldn't be going upside down
and toppling over like this.
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: Finally, somebody
is thinking of the able-bodied workers
women should be pumping out against their will.
Then came the 2020 election.
As the holder of an actual law degree, albeit from LSU,
Johnson was uniquely qualified to craft the arguments
that Donald Trump would use in his efforts
to get the results overturned in court, which
is how Johnson finally became interesting enough
to earn a nickname.
MAGA Mike Johnson.
MAGA Mike Johnson, I kind of like that.
DAILY SHOW CORRESPONDENT: Yes, Mike
Johnson finally had it all--
a reputation as a lunatic among the people who knew him,
but no reputation at all among anyone else.
[record scratch]
Shit, did it again.
And that's how crazy boring Mike Johnson achieved
his hard-won victory to become the least experienced House
Speaker in 140 years.
You know, back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.