♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.
IT'S TIME TO SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
JON, WHEN WE WERE IN THE COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE BEFORE WE
CAME TO YOU, DID I SEE THIS CORRECTLY, DO YOU HAVE A
BASKETBALL RIGHT THERE BETWEEN YOUR FEET?
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: JUST OUT OF SHOT.
>> Jon: YUP, YUP.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST-- YOU JUST KEEPING SHARP?
WHAT'S THE-- THE BALL IS THERE WITH THE PIANO?
THAT SEEMS DANGEROUS.
>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE HOOP DREAMS.
I THINK I CAN MAKE IT.
I THINK I GOT IT.
I'M GOING TO GO AND I'M GOING TO HAVE A SECOND PART TO MY CAREER.
I'M GOING TO BE IN THE N.B.A.
>> Stephen: YOU-- >> Jon: I'M GOING FOR IT.
>> Stephen: YOU WILL BE TO BASKETBALL WHAT MICHAEL JORDAN
WAS TO BASEBALL.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
WORKED REALLY HARD.
>> Stephen: HE DID.
>> Jon: HE WORKED REALLY HARD.
>> Stephen: HE DID, HE DID.
JON, WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON-- WHAT'S ON THE MIND OF YOUR
FINGERS RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: LET'S SEE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
( LAUGHS ).
>> Jon: HAVE A GOOD ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I COME OUT HERE, TOAST SOME
TOPICAL, ORGANIC ARBORIO RICE IN MY SATIRICAL SAUCEPAN, MELT IN
SOME FINE BORDIER BUTTER, PARMESAN CHEESE, AND FRESH,
HAND-PICKED PARSLEY OF INSIGHT, AND LOVINGLY WHIP IT UP INTO THE
VELVETY, JAMES BEARD AWARD-WORTHY RISOTTO THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT NOW AND THEN, I JUST SCRAPE THE LEFTOVER RICE OUT OF A
CARDBOARD CHINESE TAKE-OUT CONTAINER, STUFF IT IN A STALE
TORTILLA WITH SOME CLICKBAIT BEANS, AND ROLL IT UP INTO THE
SEMI-RELEVANT HANGOVER BURRITO OF NEWS WE CALL:
>> "QUARANTINEWHILE!" >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE,
DUE TO GREATLY REDUCED FLIGHTS AND SUSPENDING ALCOHOL SERVICE
DURING COVID, "AMERICAN AIRLINES HAS SO MUCH EXTRA WINE THAT IT
IS STARTING A DELIVERY SERVICE."
"SO MUCH EXTRA WINE," HUH?
AND YET, FOR SOME REASON, I CAN'T GET A SEVENTH GLASS ON MY
REDEYE TO SAN DIEGO, EVEN THOUGH I STILL HAVE AT LEAST FIVE MORE
VERSES OF "AMERICAN PIE" LEFT TO SING.
IF YOU'VE GOT A HANKERING FOR SOME PLANE WINE, YOU CAN GRAB A
MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION PLAN THAT COSTS $99 PER MONTH.
AND I'M SURE THAT IS SOME TOP-NOTCH VINO.
"MMM, MMMM, I'M GETTING NOTES OF ARMREST FOOT, NEGLECTED BABY
WITH A SOUPCON OF POORLY PRESSURIZED CABIN."
MY EARS ARE POPPING.
MY EARS ARE POPPING.■ç QUARANTINE-WHILE, A TORONTO
WOMAN WON A $60 MILLION LOTTERY AFTER SHE GOT THE WINNING
NUMBERS FROM HER HUSBAND'S DREAM.
THOSE WINNING NUMBERS?
4, 11, 13, 52, AND "I'M IN A BUMPER CAR WITH MY GYM TEACHER,
ONLY IT'S NOT MY GYM TEACHER.
BUT, LIKE, IT IS MY GYM TEACHER?
AND THEN A RACCOON WAS CHASING ME, AND THEN I WOKE UP."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CHINESE SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE THE KEY TO
DELAYING AGEING."
IS IT MINT CHIP ICE CREAM?
PLEASE SAY IT'S MINT CHIP ICE CREAM, BECAUSE I'VE PUT A LOT OF
RESEARCH INTO MINT CHIP ICE■ç CREAM, LATELY.
APPARENTLY, THEY DID IT THROUGH GENE MANIPULATION.
THE SCIENTISTS "INACTIVATED THE KAT-7 GENE IN THE LIVERS OF
MICE," AND THAT "EXTENDED THEIR LIFESPAN FOR ABOUT 25%."
"THE MICE SHOW OVERALL IMPROVED APPEARANCE AND GRIP STRENGTH."
GRIP STRENGTH?!
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED: IMMORTAL MICE WHO CAN STRANGLE US!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, COCAINE-STUFFED SHIPMENTS OF
BANANAS ENDED UP AT CANADIAN GROCERY STORES DUE TO A DRUG
TRAFFICKING MIX-UP.
HA-HA!
IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY GOING TO GET
MURDERED.
"YOU SEE, BOSS, KIND OF A FUNNY STORY.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS-- AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS-- YOUR COCAINE
IS NOW IN THE FRUIT AISLE AT THE KROGER.
AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT, LIKE, 30 MIL, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT,
IT'S PRETTY FUNNY-- CAN I MAKE YA A SMOOTHIE-- AAAND I'M
BEING LOWERED INTO A SHARK TANK."
OKAY.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, TIKTOK'S LATEST VIRAL TREND IS APPARENTLY
WOMEN SECRETLY FILMING THEIR PARTNERS REACTING TO SOMETHING
CALLED "BUTT-CRACK" LEGGINGS.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I GOT THE FAMOUS AMAZON LEGGINGS THAT ARE
GOING AROUND ON TIKTOK, AND I'M GOING TO GET MY HUSBAND'S
REACTION.
THEY ARE AS AMAZING AS EVERYBODY SAYS TO MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK
REALLY NICE.
WHAT?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT?" ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> LOOK AT THEM.
DANG!
WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE PANTS?
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
GO BACK TO TIKTOK SEA SHANTIES?
I MISS-- I MISS THE SEA SHANTIES.
I HAVE THE ASS FOR THAT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "COKE WITH COFFEE IS FINALLY HERE,"
PERFECT FOR EVERYONE SAYING, "I WISH MY REFRESHING COLA MADE
ME MORE JITTERY.
YES, SURE, I'VE GOT THE HEART RATE OF A HUMMINGBIRD AND THE
BLOOD PRESSURE OF A PNEUMATIC JACK, BUT I DON'T QUITE FEEL
LIKE I COULD FLIP A MINIVAN."
COKE WITH COFFEE HAS BEEN "AVAILABLE FOR YEARS
INTERNATIONALLY," BUT NOT HERE BECAUSE THEY WERE "MAKING SURE
THAT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT PACKAGING."
YOU ARE WAY OVER-THINKING THIS, COKE DUDE.
WE ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO WALK INTO A 7-ELEVEN, SALLY UP TO ONE
OF THESE THINGS UNSUPERVISED, AND PULL THEMSELVES 44 OUNCES OF
SOMETHING CALLED A "QUAKE ENERGY BERRY BLAST SLURPEE," AND YOU
THINK YOU NEED "THE RIGHT PACKAGING" TO SELL
EXTRA-CAFFEINATED SODA IN AMERICA?
JUST FILL A GARBAGE BAG, AND WE WILL PAY ADMISSION TO PLUNGE OUR
STRAWS INTO IT LIKE CROWS PLUNGING THEIR BEAKS INTO A COW
CARCASS.
NOW GET TO WORK ON HUFFABLE NICOTINE POUND CAKE.
WE'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COLIN FIRTH AND STANLEY TUCCI.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SOUND MAD.
I'M VERY EXCITED THAT THEY'RE HERE.
♪ ♪ ♪