♪♪
Let's get to the news.
President Biden was photographed on Thursday
picking a dandelion from the White House lawn
and giving it to First Lady Dr. Jill Biden,
and right about there is when
Kamala Harris called for a Bible.
"Oop! False alarm!
Nope. He's getting back up.
Yep. No, just picking a flower."
The Kentucky Derby was this weekend.
"And they're off!"
said Americans, about their TVs.
According to his advisors, former President Trump
is still challenging the results of the 2020 election
and has called for a hand recount of 2 million ballots
cast in Arizona's largest county,
which brings us to a segment called
"Seth Tries to Think of Literally Anything More Pathetic."
♪♪
Asking your mom to prom?
No.
Helping the guy your wife had an affair move?
No. Asking your mom to prom
and she's already going with someone else?
[ Laughter ]
No, I can't do it.
-This has been...
-I cannot believe Scollins wrote that joke
and then did the voice-over.
[ Laughter ]
Is there anyone --
Is there anyone working here on quality control?
[ Laughs ]
And a real flat read, too.
[ Laughter ] Let's be honest.
It's not like --
It's not like he's our staff's Morgan Freeman.
"Well, we had to let him do it.
I can't believe he wasn't busy with other voice-over work."
♪♪
President Biden said last week that he was not given
advance notice of the raid on former President Trump's
personal attorney Rudy Giuliani's home,
and I would have believed him,
if he hadn't had popcorn all over his suit.
U.S. troops began their withdrawal last week
from Afghanistan after nearly 20 years occupying the country.
To give you an idea of how long that is...
That's right -- U.S. troops began their withdrawal
last week from Afghanistan.
Biden has plenty of reasons, but number one is definitely
those YouTube videos where they surprise a dog.
[ As Biden ] Aww!
Dang it, gets me every time!
Former president Trump was reportedly presented
with a 24-page proposal to launch his own
multibillion-dollar media company
and, under his leadership, in a few years, it could become
a multimillion-dollar company.
After visiting former President Jimmy Carter
at his home on Thursday, President Biden told reporters
that they, "Sat and talked about the old days."
Like when they worked side-by-side
to try to bring down crime and gas prices
and that mammoth.
According to Politico,
17% of President Biden's White House staffers
have degrees from Harvard University.
Said the other 83%,
"Uh, we know."
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Pennsylvania announced last week
that they arrested a man after they discovered
$1 million worth of crystal meth,
six so-called ghost guns,
and Nazi paraphernalia during a raid.
And, now, the man is trying to decide
if he should accept a plea deal
or just go ahead and run for Congress.
The NYPD recently announced that it will no longer use
its controversial so-called robot dog
and, once again,
Travis stepped up to the plate.
-He was my dog.
I'll do it.
[ Laughter ]
-Real hot Monday for Scollins.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, the Italian motorcycle company Benelli
recently launched a new scooter, called the Dong,
and it's a pretty good scooter,
except in cold weather.
♪♪
President Biden received
the daily intelligence briefing this morning.
It was just, "So, they released the Carter picture."
[ Laughter ] How is this the first
we're hearing about the Bidens being 40 feet tall?
[ Laughter ]
They look like a ventriloquist act.
You know that dandelion picture from the other day?
That was an oak tree.
[ Laughter ] It was announced yesterday
that President Biden will deliver
the commencement address later this month
at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy graduation.
And, while we're on the subject, is it too late to change
your Major? [ Laughter ]
[ As Biden ] Don't make me send you back to Scranton!
A White House announced yesterday --
excuse me, the White House, or a White House.
[ Laughter ] We should stop being so specific
about which one it is.
The White House announced yesterday that President Biden
is raising the annual refugee limit to 62,500.
Also rising?
Tucker Carlson's blood pressure.
[ Laughter ] President Biden asked fifth graders
at an elementary school in Virginia yesterday
what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Said students,
"Covered by a healthcare plan
that isn't tied to my employment."
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis yesterday suspended all
of the state's coronavirus restrictions, and said,
"We are no longer in a state of emergency,"
adding, "but it's still Florida, so,
give it a couple of days."
Microsoft founder Bill Gates announced yesterday
that he and his wife, Melinda, will get a divorce,
after being married for 27 years.
Apparently, it was an accumulation
of lots of little things,
like how Bill would never empty the recycling.
[ Laughter ]
That's what you get for hiring people who used to work in IT.
[ Laughter ]
Researchers in Germany recently named
a new bacteria that is linked to lung parasites
after the Pokémon tool Poké Balls
because they're a similar shape.
Said one German doctor --
[ German accent ] Bad news. Ve didn't catch 'em all.
[ Laughter ]
I should know. I freestyled there.
The joke was not for a German doctor
and, the last minute, I was like, "You know what?
Let's let it rip.
What's the worst that could happen?"
And then, you saw
what the worst was. [ Laughter ]
A man in England was arrested last week
after a four miles per hour police chase,
in a narrow boat on a canal, that lasted for eight miles,
which means that, by the time they caught him,
the statute of limitations had run out.
Eight people who were involved
in the torch relay for the Tokyo Olympic Games
have tested positive for the coronavirus.
Well, it's hard news to hear, but, at least,
the contact tracing will be easy.
And, finally, according to a new report,
the number of customers who subscribe
to AOL's dial-up Internet service is,
"in the low thousands,"
which is also their average age.
♪♪
Facebook's Oversight Board announced today
that it will uphold the company's decision
to suspend former President Trump's account.
So whatever else you think of the guy,
he did find a way to leave Facebook.
President Biden announced yesterday
he will change the country's
coronavirus vaccination strategy.
He's going with reverse psychology.
[ As Biden ] Fine, don't get one.
No one wants to hang out with you
in an indoor setting, anyway.
In a new interview, Republican Senator Josh Hawley
said he does not regret pumping his fist
to cheer on the pro-Trump mob
that stormed the Capitol on January 6th.
He honestly never thought anyone would find him inspiring.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
said recently that Republicans
are willing to negotiate with President Biden
over his $2.3 trillion infrastructure proposal.
McConnell said there might be some wiggle room
around the placement of the decimal point.
House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said recently
that the woke movement in this country "has got to stop"
because it has led to an absolute epidemic
of old white guys saying "woke."
Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff traveled to Pennsylvania today
to meet with small business owners,
as opposed to President Biden, who spent the weekend
meeting with small peanut farmers.
I'm sorry. It's a weird picture.
I fear to look, yet I cannot turn away.
President Biden said this week
that, during his trip to Europe in June,
he hopes and expects
to meet with Russian President Vladmir Putin.
"That can be arranged," said a paperweight on his desk.
According to a match.com survey,
71% of single people have not had sex
since the coronavirus pandemic started,
and 91% of married people.
What do you think, Shoemaker, am I in the 9% or the 91%?
-No, I know.
[ Laughter ]
-Shoemaker!
Star quarterback Tom Brady said recently
that he would trade two of his seven Super Bowl rings
to have won a championship
at the end of his 2007 undefeated season.
"Sorry, but we already made a deal,"
said Satan.
Producers have announced a new spinoff
of the "Law & Order" series,
entitled "Law & Order for the Defense."
Turns out Dick Wolf isn't even close to "dun-dun."
Every time you think we've used the "dun-dun"
as a punch line for the last,
it comes back around.
According to new research, eating more nuts
can lead to weight loss and better appetite control.
[ Clattering ]
Sorry, that was just every one of my male writers
trying to get to cue cards first.
A 1,692-foot-long pedestrian suspension bridge
recently opened in Portugal
and takes at least four minutes to cross,
not to mention three pairs of underwear.
And, finally, according to a new study,
men with larger noses may also have larger penises.
In case you're wondering why
this guy looks so smug all the time.
♪♪
President Biden visited a 70-year-old bridge
in Lake Charles, Louisiana, today
while pitching his jobs and infrastructure plan
because, if Biden's proof of anything,
it's how much good a few thousand dollars
in bridge work can do for you.
President Biden went to a Mexican restaurant
in Washington yesterday in honor of Cinco de Mayo.
He had the enchiladas
and Major had the mariachi band.
[ Laughter ]
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday
that, "100% of my focus
is on stopping the Biden administration."
Oh, really? I don't remember seeing you there.
Put your money where your mouth is, bud.
Also, where is your mouth?
Allies of Rudy Giuliani have reportedly asked
former President Trump to pay Giuliani
for representing him through the 2020 election.
Um, do they know what kind of job he did?
That's like the captain of the Titanic asking,
"So, where do I submit my invoice?"
A woman was recently arrested at the Atlanta airport
after officials discovered 3 pounds of cocaine
hidden in the bottom of seven pairs of shoes.
In her defense, 3 pounds of cocaine is the only way
to make your connection at that airport.
The fitness company Peloton recalled two of its treadmills
yesterday after dozens of injuries
involving children were reported.
That's crazy. Who can afford a Peloton and children?
A woman in Missouri recently discovered
a World War II-era Japanese bomb while gardening,
which came as a surprise because she planted cruise missiles.
[ Laughter ]
Employees of a coronavirus testing facility
at an Indonesian airport were arrested yesterday
for allegedly washing and reusing
nasal swabs for passengers.
Well, at least they know who's got COVID now.
"Looks like, uh, yeah...
everyone."
And, finally, Mother's Day is this weekend,
according to six voicemails from your mother.
And that, you guys, was a monologue.
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]