♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: HAPPY MONDAY.
WELCOME BACK.
YES, YES, YES.
YES, LET IT WASH OVER ME LIKE A
WARM BATH.
BUT YOU’RE WONDERING WHAT BECAME OF THE ONTARIO SCHOOL TEACHER
OF THE ONTARIO SCHOOL TEACHER
PROSTHETIC?
AND DOES IT INVOLVE SKYDIVING?
WITH A SELF-DESCRIBED
CONSERVATIVE.
IT DOES.
WHICH MEANS THAT IT’S TIME FOR
FOR --
♪ ♪
>> IF IT HAPPENS UP HERE WE
REPORT IT DOWN HERE.
CANADA 2023.
♪ ♪
>> 2023.
WE ARE IN WEEK 11 I BELIEVE,
HERE’S WHAT WE HAVE BEEN
REPORTING TO BRING YOU UP TO
SPEED.
ACCORDING TO THE TORONTO SUN,
SHE, WHO WAS ONCE A KEY DECIDED
TO WEAR A MASSIVE PROSTHETIC TO
CLASS.
THE SCHOOL BOARD STILL STANDS BY
A TEACHER WE KNOW THE CHOICE.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: THERE’S BEEN UPSET
PARENTS AND AROUSED AND CONFUSED
BABIES, SO WELCOME TO CANADA.
YOU CAN’T SPELL IDENTITY.
WE DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS INDEED
A REAL THING, PRANK, OR A PRANK
GONE WRONG.
THE SCHOOL BOARD WHERE SHE
TEACHES HAVE COME UP AND SUPPORT
OF THE TEACHERS LITERALLY IN
YOUR FACE FETISH.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE COMMON SENSE?
WOMEN DON’T EVEN LOOK LIKE THAT
IN MY DREAMS.
[LAUGHS]
SO I WALK YOU THROUGH THIS FOR A
REASON, BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE HAS.
AS OUR OBLIGATION TO PROVIDE ALL
OF THE COVERAGE THAT IS MISSING
IN THIS STORY.
THIS IS OUR WHEELHOUSE, AND IT
HELPS THAT THE TEACHERS EVERY GO
LIVES ARE THE OF WHEELS.
DO NO ACTUAL WORK OF MY OWN OR
ANYONE HERE FOR THAT MATTER, WE
HAVE STUMBLED ONTO SOME ACTUAL
REAL NEWS.
THE SHOP TEACHER WAS RECENTLY
PICTURED IN ALL FERMENTS,
SKYDIVING.
BOTH PILOTS INITIALLY REPORTED
AS A COLLISION OF WEATHER
BALLOONS.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER] NO JOKE APPARENTLY SHE WAS
NO JOKE APPARENTLY SHE WAS
SKYDIVING WITH A MALE.
THAT’S WHAT SOME MIGHT CALL THE
TEACHER.
HE CLAIMS THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW
WHO SHE WAS BEFORE SHE JUMPED
OUT OF THE PLANE.
HE ALSO CLAIMED THAT DUE TO YOUR
HEIGHT AND SIZE TAKEN ON A
TANDEM SKYDIVE WAS A CHALLENGE.
IT’S THE FIRST TIME THAT SHE
TOLD IF THE SHOE DOESN’T OPEN
YOU’LL BE FINE IF YOU LAND
FACEDOWN.
THIS RAISES THE KEY QUESTION
ONLY TO SHOW HAS THE GUTS TO ASK
ASK.
DO THEY WEIGH WHAT THEY ARE
SUPPOSED AWAY, OR ARE THEY
HOLLOW?
LIGHTBEND INFLATABLE DOLL I MAY
OR MAY NOT HAVE OWNED IN THE
90s.
THIS IS KEY, BECAUSE OF IT IN
TRANSITION AND MAKE THE CHANGE
MORE THAN JUST AN ATTENTION
SEEKING FETISH, SHOULDN’T IT BE
THE REAL WAY TO?
AND IF NOT, IS THIS TRANS
TEACHER GUILTY OF STOLEN VALOR?
THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT ALL THE NATURAL WOMEN
WHO SUFFER WITH AGONIZING BACK
PAIN LIKE DOLLY PARTON.
SOFIA VERGARA, AND THIS GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE IF THEY WERE TRULY THE
TRUE WEIGHT, YOU COULDN’T
SKYDIVE WITH A SEPARATE
PARACHUTE FOR EACH AND THAT’S
ASSUMING THAT IT CLEARS THE
PLANS WEIGHT RESTRICTIONS FOR
TAKEOFF.
ON ANY NORMAL FLIGHT YOU HAVE TO
PUT THEM IN THE BACK OF THE
PLANE WITH THE CHECKED BAGGAGE.
SO THESE MAY BE SIZED AT TRIPLE
Z BUT A GOOD GUESS BY HER EASY
MOVEMENT, THE ARE EMPTY AS
JOY REID’S HEAD.
[APPLAUSE]
OU PEOPLE.
SO SHE HAS PACKED HER OWN
FLOTATION DEVICES AND IF THERE’S
A WATER LANDING, SHE CAN PONTOON
THE WHOLE CREW TO SAFETY.
TALK ABOUT A MIRACLE ON THE
HUDSON.
THE TORONTO SUN, A PAPER SAYS
THE TEACHER REMAINS ON LEAVE TO
AN INJURY NOT SUFFERED AT
SCHOOL.
WHICH REQUIRES OR TO WEAR A BOOT
ON HER FOOT.
SO, HOW DOES SHE HURT HER FOOT
OF REPORTER WOULD ASK.
DID SHE GET CAUGHT WHEN SHE WAS
PUTTING ON HER?
MAYBE SHE FELL OFF THE STAGE
DURING A WET TARP CONTEST.
NOW --
SHE CAN’T TEACH SHOP CLASS.
SHE CAN SKYDIVE.
SO WHAT IS A TELL US?
THAT THE ON LEAVE THINGS AS
GENUINE AS HER DORITOS SIZE
HUBCAPS.
THAT’S ANOTHER WORD.
THIS COULD BE YET ANOTHER TWIST
TO THE BEST TROLLING EVER.
SO YOU SAY TEACHERS CAN’T
IDENTIFY HOWEVER THEY WANT AND
FORCE ON THE STUDENTS QUESTION
WERE COOL, I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER
THE DOUBLE TAJ MAHAL.
AND AS YOU SIT IN THE HOME FOR
AN INJURY?
COOL, A GOAL SKYDIVING WITH MY
MASSIVE BELIEF AND EVERYTHING, I
LOVE THIS PERSON I WOULD HUG HER
IF MY ARMS WERE FOUR TIMES
LARGER.
THE WIG CAME OFF QUICKER THAN
JUSTIN TRUDEAU’S BLACKFACE.
YOU WOULD THINK, WHEN YOU THINK
EIGHT SHOP TEACHER WOULD’VE
BOLTED IT DOWN?
THE DAILY MAIL WHICH REPORTED ON
THIS SAYS IT’S NOT CLEAR WHAT
THE RELATIONSHIP IS IF THERE’S
ANY BETWEEN VOODOO, THE WOMAN,
MAN NOW WOMAN.
SO WE EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT
THIS MONSTER JUST RANDOMLY
SELECTED THE ONLY CONSERVATIVE
SKYDIVER ON EARTH TO PULL OFF
THE STONE.
SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY, BUT ONCE
IT’S NOT ME.
BUT I DON’T CARE.
WHAT YOU DO CARE ABOUT IS HOW
IDENTITY HAS EMBRACED FETISHISM.
ONCE WE’VE OBLITERATED THE
BINARY NATURE OF GENDER, ANY
SUMMITS OF SANITY IS GONE.
MAN CAN IDENTIFY AS A CARTOON
FETISH, SCRIBBLED ON A BATHROOM
WALL IN EIGHTH GRADE.
OR A JESSE WATTERS CASE LAST
TUESDAY.
[LAUGHTER]
HE DOES ALL THE TIME.
AND IF YOU DON’T ABIDE, THAT YOU
ARE THE VILLAIN. EVEN IF THE TRUTH IS STARING
EVEN IF THE TRUTH IS STARING
BACK AT YOU WITH SHOT GLASS SIZE
SIZE.
ON REJECTION OF STANDARDS.
LET’S ANYTHING BE A WOMAN,
ANYTHING, MAKING WOMANHOOD
MEANINGLESS.
BECAUSE BEING A WOMAN IS MORE
THAN SIMPLY SOME GUY WHO GETS
OFF DRESSING PLANET SIZE.
ACCORDING TO THE TRANS MOVEMENT
CAN BE.
IF I WERE A WOMAN I WOULD BE
PASSED, WHO IS TO SAY I’M NOT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: LET’S WELCOME
TONIGHT’S GUEST, SHE PUTS THE
LIBERALS IN THEIR PLACE WITH A
SMALLER FACE.
MERCEDES SCHLAPP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE’S LIKE FONZIE WEARS A LEATHER
JACKET AND AS HONEST AS IN THE
MEN’S ROOM, NICK GILLESPIE.
[APPLAUSE]
SHE IS ON THE NO-FLY LIST AFTER
AN EXTERMINATOR SPRAYED HER
CONDO.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE BREAKS THE ICE BY WALKING
ACROSS THE ARCTIC, MET MASSIVE
SIDEKICK, HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION,
TYRUS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WAS JUST THINKING MERCEDES,
IT’S THE NAME HER WOULD MAKE AS
THEY JUMP OUT RIGHT?
THEY GO BACK AND THEY LAP?
>> Mercedes: THE DEAF IN
HAPPENED WHEN SHE JUMPED OUT OF
THE PLANE.
>> Greg: THIS THE THIRD TIME
YOU BEEN ON THE SHOW AND WE
TALKED ABOUT IT.
>> Mercedes: EVERY TIME THE
STORY COMES UP, I’M ON THE SHOW.
[LAUGHS]
>> Kat: THERE WERE MORE TIMES.
I KNOW BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THERE.
>> Mercedes: WILL I FEEL
TARGETED AND I FEEL LIKE I
SHOULD GO UP TO CANADA AND
INTERVIEW.
>> Greg: DO YOU THINK THAT
THEY’VE INTRODUCED A NEW
VARIABLE, A CONSERVATIVE ADULT
FILM STAR THAT DID BEING PLAYED?
>> Mercedes: ELITES ARE NOT
GOING SKINNY-DIPPING AND
SCUBA DIVING I WOULD BE A HUGE
PROBLEM IF YOU TRY TO SUBMERGE
HERSELF INTO THE WATER WAITING
ABOUT THAT?
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: THE SKINNY-DIPPING IS
REALLY INTERESTING.
>> Mercedes: THIS GETS
COMPLICATED.
>> Greg: IT DOES GET
COLLOCATED.
>> Nick: WHAT IS A
CONSERVATIVE?
>> Tyrus: CAN ONLY WEARS ONE
TURTLENECK WHEN HE FILMS.
>> Greg: THIS FEELS A GOOD
REALITY SHOW HAPPEN.
CONSERVATIVE, A MALE TO FEMALE
TRANS WOMAN WITH TRIPLE Z.
CUBED.
LOAM AT THEIR WHAT YOU THINK
ANNETTE?
BY THE WAY THIS IS YOUR FIRST
TIME DISCUSSING IT IT’S OKAY FOR
BIT OVERWHELMED.
>> Nick: I AM A BIT
OVERWHELMED.
THESE CANADIAN STORIES IF IT
DOESN’T INVOLVE LIGHTFOOT I
DON’T THINK IT’S REAL.
I DIG IS MADE UP.
>> Greg: THEY BETTER TAKE
CARE.
NOT A MAJOR JOKE, HOWDY SEARCY
FEEL?
>> Nick: I CANNOT BELIEVE IT’S
ONLY MONDAY, I FEEL CLEAR SO FAR
DOWN THE GREASY FLAGPOLE I’M
WITHOUT SPEECH.
THIS IS DEEPLY DISTURBING TO ME
AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY LIFE
WENT WRONG THAT I’M SITTING HERE
TALKING YOU?
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] ON THE MOST POPULAR LATE-NIGHT
ON THE MOST POPULAR LATE-NIGHT
SHOW IN HUMAN HISTORY, YOU’VE
MORE VIEWERS.
>> Greg: WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO
GET APPLAUSE AND I LIKE THAT
ABOUT YOU.
>> Nick: THANK YOU.
>> Greg: WHEN YOU WERE GETTING
PUT ON?
>> Nick: I THINK CANADA IS THE
FUNNIEST PLACE ON EARTH AND THIS
IS HONESTLY MADE UP.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: TYRUS WELCOME BACK, I
WILL BE ABLE LOVELY HOLIDAY.
>> Tyrus: THIS HAS TO STOP.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: ME DOING THE STORY?
>> Tyrus: YES, THERE IS NO WE.
WERE NOT ASKED ON THIS.
THIS IS YOUR SECRET THING AND
THE ONLY WAY TO END THIS IS
LISTEN, WE WILL TAKE THE NIGHT
OFF, HAVE HER DOWN YOU HAVE OR
ONE-ON-ONE SAFETY MINUTE
INTERVIEW AND GET TO THE BOTTOM
OF IT.
BECAUSE WE ARE FED UP, WE ARE
TIRED.
>> Greg: ARE A TARGET FOR HER
TOO?
>> Tyrus: WE THINK THAT YOU
NEED HELP.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST ABOUT
THIS, WOMEN ALWAYS SEEM TO BE
THERE WAS GET ATTACKED AND THE
SAME THING ABOUT IT THAT FAISAL
AND HOW DARE YOU, BUT IT’S NOT
HOW WOMEN ARE WOMEN ACT.
YOU ARE IDENTIFYING WITH STUFF
USED ON THE INTERNET OR
FANTASIES, EDITION.
IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU’RE 13, 14
EFFORTS VIEW THAT YOU SEE IN YOU
SUDDENLY THINK ALL WOMEN,
WHATEVER CONVERSATION YOU HAVE
ENDS WITH THEM WANTED TO HAVE
WITH YOU AND HE GONE TO THE REAL
WORLD WHEN YOU SAY HIGH THEY
DON’T SAY ANYTHING.
THAT IS REALITY WOMEN ARE LIKE
THIS.
THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
THIS IS HER FANTASY TRY TO
PORTRAY AND THEN SHE WANTS THE
SAME PROTECTION.
THIS IS NOT IT.
>> Greg: DO YOU THINK THIS IS
WHAT THIS IS?
>> Tyrus: I THINK IT’S MEANT
THE WHOLE THING, IT’S JUST FOR
YOU.
YOUR TURN TO BE A FANTASY OF
WHAT OF DOING IMPERSONATION.
WE TALK ABOUT WHAT CRIED FIVE
TIMES A DAY, I CAN’T MAKE MY
MIND ON A RESTAURANT.
THOSE ARE STEREOTYPES, NO.
YOU’RE JUST UNDECIDED PERSON
THAT’S NOT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A
WOMAN.
>> Greg: YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT BECAUSE YOU SEE THE
INCENSE WAY IN THESE KIND OF
STEREOTYPES.
>> Tyrus: THEY’RE NOT
PORTRAYING WHAT IS TO BE A WOMAN
WOMAN.
THEY’RE LIVING IN THEIR
DYSPHORIA FANTASY WHAT A WOMAN
IS WHAT ACTUALLY.
THAT’S WHY DO NOT WOMEN IN MY
EYES.
>> Greg: KAT AGO DO YOU,
DYSPHORIA, OR PRANK?
>> Kat: YOU SAID MOST WOMEN
ARE LIKE THIS, BUT MOST RAN
PEOPLE ARE.
[LAUGHS]
PEOPLE IN GENERAL ARE NOT DOING
THIS.
>> Nick: I ALSO WANT TO
MENTION NOT MOST SHOP TEACHERS.
[LAUGHS]
>> Kat: MOST SKYDIVERS.
[LAUGHS]
WE’VE DONE IS JUST SO MUCH I
JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY
ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
I’M ABOUT TO SAY SUMMING UP THAT
I’D NEVER SAY WHICH IS IF
ANYBODY IN CANADA WANTS TO REACH
OUT TO ME.
LET ME KNOW IF THERE’S ANY OTHER
TAKE ON THIS THING.
OKAY, I DO WANT TO KNOW WHAT
INJURY INVOLVES WEARING A BOOT
ON YOUR FOOT AND YOU CAN GO TO
WORK, BUT YOU CAN SKYDIVE.
I WOULD LIKE TO USE THAT THE
NEXT TIME WE TALK ABOUT THIS.
[LAUGHS]
THERE WILL BE A NEXT TIME.
>> Greg: THERE IS, BECAUSE
WERE GETTING AN ANSWER THAT
QUESTION OVER MY DEAD BODY.
THAT I SAY THAT?
>> Tyrus: IF YOU TRY TO CATCH
HER WILL BE OVER YOUR DEAD BODY.
[LAUGHS]
>> Greg: IT JUST SHOWS YOU
WHAT A FEARLESS JOURNALIST I AM
AGAINST THEIR JUDGMENT --
>> Mercedes: I UNDERSTAND WITH
YOU.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE COVERING
JUSTIN TRUDEAU IN THE DRAG SHOW,
I KNOW THAT WAS OUTRAGEOUS.
[LAUGHS]
I THINK I WAS MINE.
>> Tyrus: I THINK YOUR GO TO