- Hey, Target, you think you're better than everyone?
Well, guess what?
You are! At being a big stinking dump.
- You think you can just phone it in?
What? Because you put a couple gay people
in your ads 10 years ago? Wow, good job.
- Get off your high horse.
You're nothing but a Ross,
with Taylor Swift exclusives and Helvetica font.
- You got those big red balls out front,
but you don't have big enough balls
to deliver a quality customer experience.
- Target.
- [All] Let us fix you.
(intense music)
- Hey, Target, here's something you do
that's totally stupid.
Your uniform's just a red shirt.
You know who else wears a red shirt? Everyone.
So let's make it impossible to ever
have to ask anyone again,
"Excuse me. Do you work here?"
Here's a solution.
If you accidentally come to Target wearing a red shirt,
Target will give you a loaner coat like a fancy restaurant.
It's a big zuit suit jacket with flashing lights
on the back that read, "doesn't work here".
Every Target employee will have a signature
shoe sound effect.
Their shoes will have a speaker
in them that announces their name and then says,
"I work at Target".
There. Aren't you happy we swooped in?
- Let's tackle some low hanging dung.
When I go to Target for one thing I need,
I end up spending $300 on crap.
Did I need five wine stoppers with birds on them?
No. But did I feel good after buying them?
Again, no.
And bingo! Here's the solve.
Equip every checkout with a jubilant hype man
to validate all your choices.
Like Cedric here. Let's demonstrate.
Cedric, I don't need five wine stoppers right?
- No. What if you lose all five wine corks at the same time?
Genius!
- What about this big wicker basket
full of small wicker balls?
- What are you the queen of Versailles?
They're extraordinary!
- What about this mug that says "bear with me"
and there's a bear on it.
- You are universally beloved.
- Oh, and also let's talk about those self checkout cameras.
Why do they make me look like Aileen Warnos?
For the love of God, give us a ring light.
- You should be embarrassed, Target. Big time.
What's with all the stuff all over the store
locked in tiny compartments?
I'm just buying dandruff shampoo.
Why do I need to wait outside a window
like a dog at dinnertime?
Instead, just put all that stuff inside one locked room.
And don't make it embarrassing.
Make it nice.
Make it like a speak easy with deodorant and Claritin.
If people are still ashamed,
employees can give 'em a mask like Eyes Wide Shut.
And yes, you can have sex in the Target vault,
like any successful store would allow.
- Who designs your stores Target?
Someone that gets off on being a random idiot?
Why are no two stores designed the same?
Shopping at an unfamiliar Target is like going
into a corn maze and the prize is that
you find the bed sheet section.
My solve? The Target pile.
That's right. You heard me.
It's a big pile in the middle of the store
and it has a little bit of everything.
Don't know where to find the pants?
Check the pile. Flat screen TV?
Check the pile. Bleach? Pile.
You might still not find what you're looking for,
but I guarantee you the experience will be fun.
Like the Hunger Games.
And just like the Hunger Games, murder is legal in the pile.
- Now let's address your terrible mascot bullseye.
How did that little mutant
get double ringworm around his eye?
By peering into a schnauzer's asshole?
We don't see much of him anymore.
Did he wander into an archery field or something?
The point is, replace the dog.
The general Target browsing experience is so relaxing,
and chalk full of silly mugs.
It's like a thunder shirt for white women.
So let's get them a dog they love. Meet Bella.
She's a hypoallergenic, neurotic mini doodle.
Bella acts crazy because her mom and dad are cousins,
and her owner acts powerless over her jumping.
Every Target shopping bag will come with
an individual Bella that shoppers can take home.
Now. That's what I call synergy.
- With our help,
your business will look something like this.
- Um, excuse me. Do you-?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Um, hi there. Excuse me?
- [Recording From Shoes] I work at Target. I work at Target.
- Yeah?
Would you mind keeping me the code to the Target vault?
Of course. It's 6969, and take these.
- Oh, thank you. I really need some deodorant.
Um also, I'm not so sure about this rake anymore.
- No, no. You need that rake, like that rake needs you.
- Thanks Cedric!
- You are the greatest person who's ever lived.
- Oh, you know who would never say something like that?
Amazon.
- You're welcome, Target.
- Let us know what other businesses you want us to fix.
- [All] And we'll fix them.
(intense music)
- Well, guess what? You are, at being a big stinky dump.
- Sorry I couldn't hold it in.
- It was a sneeze?
- Oh, say it.
Hey Target, you think you're-
- This, it's a zip zoo (laughing)
- It's a big zuit suit jacket that reads lights.
(laughing) There are lights in it.
- Every Target shopping bag will come with an individ-blah.
- I'm just buying dandruff shampoo (laughing)
Imagine if we didn't allow this, like a store when it's-
(laughing) Guys!
- You know, who would never say anything like that?
Amazon.
- What? (laughing)
What is happening today?
- Amazon.
- That's funny.
- Good God.