I'm mad at my husband for no reason. I'm Paul Friedman I founded The Marriage
Foundation and I'm going to try and help you with this. I used to be a divorce
mediator and I became a marriage healer I'm much happier by the way, and one of
the big obstacles that people have if not the biggest is anger.
Now the other emotions get in the way of our happiness also but anger, Oh my God
especially if you mix anger with alcohol -- it's really bad so I'm
hoping that you're not using alcohol. If you are that's the first step but let's
talk about this because what's happening in the mind -- let's explain anger.
It can be really summed up very easily and this is true although it's not the
root cause but anger is the result of not getting our way. It's the only thing
that causes anger and you could look at that in all of its nuances and
you'll see it always boils down to that. But why, and that's where I wanted to go
when I started helping individuals enjoy their marriage more because anger, what
the heck? You looked up this video, you're going to
get mad at my husband for no reason. Well, okay. There is a reason obviously
but what you're saying is, why am I getting angry at all? So they should be
teaching us these things in school. Let's start with what we are.
We're human beings. You're a woman, I'm a man and what does
that mean? A human being. Well, this is where society has gotten crazy and I'm
not going to sell you on religion. To me this is not a religious topic but we are
souls and we have a body and we have a mind. Now it's true that most people say
I have a soul but that is inaccurate. The fact is you are a soul and you have a
body and you have a mind and that's soul that you are, doesn't do anger. There's no
anger but you have a body and bodies are biological entities that live to survive.
You learn that in school. What's the first order of business for anything
from a single-cell amoeba all the way up to human beings is this drive to survive
and it's subordinate drive to procreate but it's also still a drive to survive.
Why am I so strong about this is because the drive to survive which is innate in
every single cell of your body comprises basically your body, influences your mind.
Remember, I have a body, I have a mind. It influences your mind and takes your mind
over in order to achieve its desire to survive. Well, what a survival mean? We're
sophisticated human beings. It no longer means finding a place to sleep tonight
or finding fire so we could eat some food or finding water all those things
are happening but the drive to survive wasn't tucked away.
It's still operating and it's influencing us in different ways. It
influenced us if something happens like if we get stopped for a traffic
violation. We become real defensive. Defensiveness is the drive to survive
defending yourself. Well, study this in your own mind. Watch what happens when
you're angry. Step back and instead of going I am angry, go my mind is angry and
ask why. It's being threatened and for everyone it's different so what's
happening is this anger is the first step in the defensive apparatus. Now, you
may have like whitewashed this fear of your husband finding fault with you or
that -- well, that's a big one that your husband found fault with you. It may
cause so much trauma in your mind. Again just your mind that you react with anger.
It's instinctive, it's an instinctive reaction. So the real question is what do
I do? I mean you didn't come here for a
biology education however, it's necessary in my opinion and
I've been doing this for over 20 years, it's necessary to understand
yourself kind of mechanically so that you can disconnect certain parts so the
anger isn't you. This is a very important point, the anger
is in your mind. It's triggered and it's something you can control because
everybody knows human beings have free will.
Again, we're not taught how to utilize it. We're not taught how to leverage. In fact
were taught that you can't stick to a New Year's resolution that's what we're
taught. We're taught that if I tell you never think of an elephant you're going to
be thinking of an elephant. That's not true neither of those things are true
because we're not taught how to control the mind and that's what you have to
learn to do. I've had many clients just about every client who suffers from
anger and so I thought, you know what. Anger management isn't going to work
because anger management doesn't solve the problem because the problem is
because I'm all about marriages so the problem isn't even the anger. I'm going to take
you to another level. What's the problem? The problem is you're not getting the
benefits from your marriage that you signed up for. What did you sign up for
when you got married? Why did you get married? You didn't
just get married to have kids or to be with your best friend. You got
married to be happy. You got married to experience the blossoms of love. You
were supposed to live in your marriage so that your love could grow. In fact, I
define marriage as the sacred space of marriage where no one gets to come in
just the two of you. So together, you could water your love.
You could create the dynamics that expand the love, expand the happiness so
that every single day is an amazing adventure of love that's what it's
supposed to be nothing less so the real problem isn't the anger because if
you had happiness and you had love and you had anger that
anger is gone. It doesn't mean anything so, isn't it
true? You want the happiness and you want the love so my method is to ignore the
anger unless you want to take the course or read one of my books and
really get into this and really have a phenomenal marriage there's a fix I can
share with you right now and it's based on this premise. Where there is light
there is no darkness so let's look at love and happiness as light and anger as
darkness. Well, if you're feeling love and happiness because you have free will and
anger enters into the picture you just flooded with light, your love and
happiness. You choose which thoughts you're going to entertain. You don't have
to go along with every thought that comes into your head. Why don't they
teach us this stuff in school? So you have amazing power over your mind. This
is the nature of being a human being is that you have free will not just to
choose between blue carpets and red drapes. You have free will so that you
can choose your thoughts, your feelings. You could choose to ignore the anger
which is a compulsion from the body to the mind.
It's an instinctive reaction. You don't need to take it on but you do because no one
taught you otherwise so try it. See if it works. If it doesn't work, get one of my
books, read the chapter on the mind. If that still doesn't work, get the course.
Get the course for women. The first thing that I address in the course is how to
control your mind. It's a necessity, isn't it amazing?
Why don't they teach us this? If you want to get married you need to take a course
on the mind. You need to understand how the mind works and I'm not talking about
Freddie and nonsense. Yes, I said nonsense because he didn't say you're a soul who
has a mind. He tried to bundle it all together. Well, it is kind of bundled
together because we are a blend of spirit in nature but we are essentially
spiritual. How do I know? Love is spiritual. It's not a big fancy religious
term. Love is spiritual. You can't touch it, you can't see it. You can't measure it
quantify it but you know it's there. I love using the example of when
you got married there was a moment when you just were overwhelmed with love and
when you go to other peoples weddings it's the same thing. Well, that's
spiritual. I don't care if you're an atheist or not doesn't matter to me
you're still a soul. You're still feeling loved. You can't tell me that love isn't
spiritual, it is by definition so try these things. Go for it. You got married
to be happy and you got married to experienced ever-increasing love that's
why you got married and you can and should have that. This is not fantasy
stuff this is real stuff. This should be your expectation of your
marriage and when it is this anger stuff I can't take root.
They can't, can't last long when it jumps in especially when you know how to
control your mind. Alright, if you resonate with this kind of information
because I know it's new. Go ahead and subscribe. There's lots of videos that
are like all about the common-sense approach to marriage and share it. Share
this video with others. Let people know. The time has come for people to enjoy
their marriages from the moment they get married to the day they die it should be
so fulfilling they're floating in joy. Blessings to you, blessings to your
husband and blessings to your family. Thank you! God bless!