♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
In a speech last week at the Volvo truck plant in Maryland,
President Biden said, quote, "Let me start off
with two words -- Made in America."
[ Laughter ]
And then it only got worse when he said, "Sorry, I meant four."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden announced last week that he will pardon
thousands of individuals convicted
of simple marijuana possession and said, quote,
"No one should be in jail just for using or possessing
marijuana," because after all, if you smoke enough marijuana,
your couch is the jail.
[ Laughter ]
Russian President Vladimir Putin convened a meeting today
of his national security council.
There were no survivors.
[ Laughter ]
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen
said in an interview yesterday that OPEC's decision
to reduce oil output will harm the global economy.
It's what OPEC is calling "the point."
[ Laughter ]
At his rally in Nevada over the weekend, former president Trump
claimed that, quote, "Two years ago, everything was so good
in our country, and now it's going to pieces."
Man, I can hardly remember.
I mean, what was happening 2 years ago?
Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, those were -- those were good times.
[ Cheers and applause ]
A federal judge in New York last week issued a ruling
that blocked several parts of a new state law
that banned guns in sensitive areas like museums, stadiums,
and Times Square, because everyone knows the only way
to stop a bad guy with a gun is a drunk Elmo
with nothing to lose.
[ Laughter ]
The NFL announced over the weekend that it will update
its concussion protocol, and then in a troubling sign,
they announced it again.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 26% of Americans believe
there should be a minimum age requirement for getting
ears pierced, while over in Jersey, there's a Claire's
in the maternity ward.
[ Laughter ]
That was my favorite one, I got to acknowledge.
Today was former NFL quarterback Brett Favre's 53rd birthday,
and even his cake was stolen from needy children.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, did we ruin his birthday?
[ Laughter ]
And finally, after a video gained attention online
of a woman in a bikini getting out of a city fire truck
in front of a strip club, the mayor of San Jose
announced last week than an investigation has been launched.
And the only way they're getting away with this
is if that woman was stuck in a tree.
[ Laughter ]
Shot that in Central Park today.
She was great.
♪♪
-White House officials are reportedly planning
to downplay President Biden's upcoming 80th birthday.
Well, good luck with that, because everything about Biden
screams "birthday week."
[ Laughter ]
[As Biden] Monday, I'm going bowling with my college buds,
Tuesday's shots, Wednesday's Dave & Busters,
then we're all flying to Ibiza.
[ Laughter ]
[Normally] President Biden's granddaughter, Naomi,
is set to get married next month at the White House.
Though if you're trying to make people forget how old you are,
maybe don't advertise that your granddaughter
is getting married.
[ Laughter ]
According to a newly-obtained audio, House Minority Leader
Kevin McCarthy told two police officers in a private meeting
that former president Trump didn't know that his supporters
were attacking the Capitol on January 6th,
and the only possible way I believe that
is if he didn't know this was the Capitol.
[As Trump] I thought it was a Medieval Times.
I thought it was a Medieval Times.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[Normally] Election Day is four weeks away.
Said Biden, "Uh, well, then we're also giving everyone
in jail for weed 40 bucks."
[ Laughter ]
Elon Musk discussed his estranged daughter
in a new interview and added, quote,
"I have very good relationships with all of the others.
Can't win them all."
Hell, some people can't even count 'em all.
[ Laughter ]
The Northeastern University School of Law
mistakenly sent acceptance e-mails recently
to nearly 4,000 applicants.
Even worse, Harvard Law accidentally sent
an acceptance e-mail to someone whose dad didn't even go there.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new ranking of fast food chains,
Chick-fil-A has the slowest average drive thru experience,
while the fastest drive thru experience
is McDonald's when all you order is ice cream.
"Yeah. One ice cream cone, please."
"Sorry it's broken." "Bye."
♪♪
-President Biden was interviewed last night by CNN anchor
Jake Tapper, and not as he was expecting, Walter Cronkite.
[As Biden] Oh, you must be the new kid, huh?
[Normally] President Biden said in a new interview
that he doesn't think that Russian President
Vladimir Putin will actually use nuclear weapons,
though I don't think it was a good idea
to add [imitates chicken clucking].
[ Laughter ]
In the same interview, President Biden said
he doesn't expect the US economy to enter a recession,
but added that if there is one, it will be, quote,
"very slight."
You can watch the entire clip in a GOP campaign ad in 2024.
Buckingham Palace announced yesterday
that King Charles' coronation will take place next year
and said that the event will be, quote,
"Rooted in long-standing traditions and pageantry."
You know, the things that drove his son
and daughter-in-law completely out of the country.
The Senate recently held its 12th annual bipartisan luncheon,
which featured more than 560 pounds of barbecue
and I'm guessing at least ten paramedics.
According to the latest numbers, The Netflix series
"Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story" has been viewed
more than 700,000,000 hours since its release.
So get ready for NBC's newest series, "Chicago Dahmer."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. The Jeffrey Dahmer Netflix series
has been viewed more than 700,000,000 hours,
I guess because it was slightly less horrifying
than "The Great British Baking Show's" Mexican Week.
[ Laughter ]
"It's too much for me. So we go back to 'Dahmer?'"
And finally, a winner was declared yesterday
for the annual Fat Bear Week contest.
Said the winner, "Wait, I thought it was just bear week."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
The House January 6th Committee voted unanimously today
to subpoena former President Trump.
I would say this is big news,
but it's really more like putting one more parking ticket
on that van that's been on your block for a year.
That ticket ain't getting paid.
According to a new report, when former president Trump
received a subpoena earlier this year
for any classified documents taken from the White House,
he told an employee to move boxes to his personal residence.
Man, he is a bad criminal.
You're supposed to get rid of the evidence.
Trump is the first criminal
to plant the evidence on himself.
[ Laughter ]
"This weed? No, I'm not holding this for a friend.
I bought this with my money."
A jury in Connecticut yesterday ordered conspiracy theorist
Alex Jones to pay nearly $1 billion
to the families affected by the Sandy Hook shooting.
So I hope he got paid really well for his work
as the Mucinex guy.
[ Laughter ]
The FDA announced yesterday that it has authorized
the Omicron-targeted coronavirus vaccine booster shots
for children as young as five years old,
which is great news if you're a parent of young children
or think that you might be.
[ Laughter ]
Producers for LeBron James's talk show, "The Shop,"
announced yesterday that they will not air
an upcoming episode with Kanye West
due to his use of hate speech.
Because once they edited it all out,
this is what they were left with.
-So...
And...
-That wasn't that bad.
That wasn't that offensive.
A few edits and that was just,
I think, what all of us were thinking.
A man in Idaho recently broke a Guinness World Record
for longest duration balancing a guitar on his chin.
Even more amazing, he managed to keep it on there
the entire time he was being kicked out of the party.
[ Laughter ]
Meta -- Meta this week launched its most advanced
virtual reality headset ever, which costs $1,500.
They're so advanced, you'll completely forget
that your wife left you.
[ Laughter ]
The car company Rezvani has announced the new $250,000 SUV
called The Vengeance,
which has options for body armor,
explosive protection, and night vision.
So come hell or high water, your kids will get to soccer.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National No Bra Day.
So looks like Biden hasn't undone
all of Trump's executive orders.
[ Laughter ]
Dunkin Donuts recently changed its customer loyalty program
from DD Perks to Dunkin' Rewards,
and I can only assume it's because they were sued
by a 1980s porn star.
[ Laughter ]
Happy No Bra Day, Dee Dee.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the Social Security Administration
announced today that recipients will receive
a cost of living adjustment next year of 8.7%.
So get ready for that to trickle down to your $5 birthday checks.
And that was a monologue, everybody.
♪♪