Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'Come out ye dastardly poltroon'
We're watching Star Knight, which is sort of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court,
crossed with The Man Who Fell to Earth.
'What type of nonsense is this'
The film stars Klaus Kinski.
'It is not in my character to fight anyone'
That's not how Werner Herzog tells it.
'Shut up'
And Harvey Keitel, whose accent makes an interesting match with the ye olde english of the dialogue.
'If I was knighted and made sir Clever thou shall respect me more and will ease the rigours of your reign.'
'Must you speak like that?'
Harsh but fair.
With respect to Keitel, I think the producers may have thought they were hiring Robert DeNiro.
'Are ye talking to me?'
Mine eyes do perceive no one else here. To whom the fuck do ye think ye are talking?
'It is not necessary to humiliate me'
Keitel kind of sleepwalks through the role but it's okay as co-star Fernando Rey is acting for two
'Look! A fiend from hell!'
The plot, like it matters, opens with a suicidal goat.
'Jump Matilda'
which turns into a flying goat.
Then refocuses on a princess who, as tradition requires, sneaks out of the castle in disguise,
for a spot of nude bathing.
But…
She is kidnapped by...
'A dragon' 'A dragon?'
Or is it?
It's not. It's an alien spaceship, which promptly returns her unharmed.
'Doesn't he love me? Is he rejecting me?’
Except for a mild case of Stockholm syndrome.
'That's why he didn't keep me with him. That's why he let me go'
But the alien is equally smitten and now comes back for her.
If she didn't want to go and he came back for her, it seems odd he let her go in the first place?
'Yes I know that'
I quite like alien abductions in a historical context,
but this has problems.
'Before crossing this bridge you must venture a passage of arms with me'
like stealing scenes from Monty Python.
'The Green Knight'
Oh well that's completely different, but it brings us to another issue.
'I dub thee Sir Clever.'
Harvey Keitel is appearing in a comedy .
'idiot'
I'm not sure everyone else is.
'What are ye talking about?'
The scenes between Princess and alien are serious.
'It can't be true'
Even if she seems unable to believe anything he says.
'I just can't believe it'
'You think I'm going to believe all that?'
'You liar'
But these are set alongside scenes with the Ralph Lauren of armour design.
'It fits like a glove me lord. It's my latest creation'
Keitel is meant to be the main threat to the central love story.
Which is another problem when he goes after the princess and her alien lover, Iex.
'By the customs of chivalry and the God and the virgin Mary,'
'For the honour of the sublime Alva, I do cha;challenge thee.'
Obviously Iex hasn't come millions of miles to get into a brawl over a woman,
but the princess has other ideas.
'Aren't you going to do something?'
Keitel thinks she's been kidnapped, and not unreasonably.
'Don't touch me, let me go'
He's come to save her.
'That man is willing to lay down his life for me'
So get out there and kill him.
'He's proving his love for me, now prove yours'
and when Iex decides not to slaughter a ridiculous incompetent with vastly inferior technology.
This doesn't show the princess in a good light yet, irritatingly, Iex caves.
After that it gets a bit technical…
Then ethereal…
But the bottom line is; happy endings for the selfish princess.
'Father, we must talk further about my problems, alright'
and her boring alien lover who have done nothing for anyone but themselves.
for the King who grinds the noses of the poor.
'Dragons. An excuse to avoid paying what is owed me'
and for Klaus Kinski whose role in the story is frankly baffling
'You don't understand'
While the man who came to rescue the princess floats off into space.
'I was just trying to get somewhere in the world'
Now in fairness Keitel's knight, whose name by the way is
'Clever!'
which is why I haven't used it, is greedy, selfish and not very likeable.
'Take him away, I don't want to hear any more'
But he's a comical figure and such a loser...
'I'll never feel anything for ridiculous Clever'
that you feel more sympathy for him than the lovers.
'At least now I'm with you, that's what I wanted'
Call me sentimental, but I prefer the ridiculous to the tedious.
'Enough off this rubbish'
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in what other historical settings would you like to see alien abduction film set pitch us your ideas in the comments below?
Leave me in peace