And as president of the United States, I pledge to you that I will do everything
within my power to end the scourge of abortion once and for all, that I will use
the full constitutional power and the bully pulpit of the presidency to promote
a culture of life that I will sign any legislation put on my desk to defend the
least of these, including legislation that defends the rights of all persons without
exception, other than the life of the mother from conception to natural death.
Rafael Cruz is a pest, isn't he?
I promise, since I'm only a comedian, I'm not going to try to tell you politicians
how to do politics or whatever.
That's not my job.
That'd be like you guys telling me what to do with my body.
I mean, can you even imagine?
You know, Cecily Strong may have given one of the most ruthless roasts
we can remember of Cruz and the like.
Could have been.
Born in Kenya and gone over to the United States.
And everybody wants to be a U.S. Citizen.
Who could forget this? Now?
You got problems with Congress, with Putin, with Israel.
You said it yourself.
We can't solve these problems by holding hands and singing Kumbaya.
Kumbaya, of course, is the village in Africa where the president was born.
Am I saying that right? Kumbaya.
- Is that. - Thing.
- Well she didn't. - Let's give it up for the Secret Service.
Yeah.
I don't want to be too hard on those guys, you know, because they're the only
law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble
if a black man gets shot.
So are you saying boo or are you saying true?
Hopefully the latter from Vox out of 1944 police killings of black people
over a six year period, charges were brought in only 3% of cases.
In addition, fewer than 1% of those killings conducted at the hands
of the police would reach a conviction.
- Fox news. - Is here.
Now, Fox news has been losing a lot of viewers lately,
and may they rest in peace.
Looking back, it's almost an ominous prediction
considering 2020 and thereafter.
In these highly vaccinated and highly boosted countries, rates of
infection are incredibly high and rates of serious disease and death are also rising.
The mRNA Covid vaccines need to be withdrawn from the market now.
No one should get them. No one should get boosted.
No one should get double boosted.
They are a dangerous and ineffective product at this point against Omicron.
We are at a dangerous moment and these products need to be withdrawn.
When you say so, you say they're ineffective and that's demonstrable
to anybody who lives in this country.
Everyone you know who's had it, you know, has had Covid and most of them are fine.
Look at this chart. Health care policy.
Analyst Charles Gaba looked at every county in the country and found a direct
correlation between levels of support for Trump in 2020 and coronavirus deaths.
Lies like that are broadcast to millions of people every night.
As journalist Eric Levitz points out, Fox News is literally killing its viewers,
just committing negligent homicide at the national scale on a nightly basis.
Arkansas Senator Tom cotton is facing criticism for describing slavery
as a, quote, necessary.
Evil, deplorable stuff from a sitting senator.
The comedian meanwhile, Senator.
Tom cotton got 47 other senators to sign an open letter he wrote to Iran.
And I guess the most surprising thing is that a guy named Tom cotton
is a US senator, and not a rabbit from an old racist Disney cartoon.
Oh, please don't throw old Tom cotton in the brier patch.
Good answer.
Now, in Tom Cotton's defense, he was just trying to repair America's
strained relationship with Israel.
But you know what?
He doesn't need to worry about that our relationship will be better
in the next administration.
Just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation.
True or Blue.
Gave an A-plus joke to the crowd that even Obama couldn't resist.
Ted Cruz, it's like the right wing thought, what's the exact opposite
of a black president?
How about a Canadian Latino who'll never be president?
No. It's true.
He was born in Canada, a child of Cuban immigrants.
I kind of can't believe he wasn't in Hillary's announcement video.
The man will never be president, as predicted by plenty.
Hi, this is Ted Cruz calling.
I was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on Election Day.
This election is critical for the direction of our country, and I urge you
to come out and support freedom of.
National attention, in case we have forgotten, because we keep hearing that
2014 has been the warmest year on record.
I ask the chair, do you know what this is?
It's a snowball. And that's just from outside here.
So it's very, very cold out, very unseasonable.
So here, Mr. President, catch this.
One of the most embarrassing things ever seen in the Senate strong,
rightfully would poke fun.
Now, one.
Of my favorite things that happened in Congress this year was when Senator
Jim Inhofe brought in a snowball to prove that climate change isn't real.
I mean, that blew my mind.
I didn't even need to see the other science projects first prize.
- Jim. - Jim, you brought science to life, man.
So cool now.
It's been a great year for women as always.
This year, representative from Hobby Lobby said they didn't want to pay
for employees health care if it covered things like contraceptives,
which is weird because all I asked him was, what aisle is the yarn in?
Actually, though, I do love Hobby Lobby.
I went there this morning and I just bought the cutest little wicker basket
to hold all my morning after pills.
If unaware.
The case was a political firestorm, hitting women's rights against
religious freedom inside the court.
The justices also were deeply divided and sharply at odds
in their approach to the case.
The majority decision by Justice Samuel Alito emphasized religious rights,
and marked the first time the court has allowed a for profit corporation
this type of religious exemption.
It was a victory for family owned companies like the Hobby Lobby chain
of arts and crafts stores, whose owners, David and Barbara Green,
challenged the law.
The court said the health care law clearly imposes a substantial burden
on the Green's religious beliefs, because it requires them to offer coverage
for specific forms of birth control, like the morning after pill and the IUD, which
the Greens believe facilitate abortion.
This is what she was referring to.
It is great to be here at the Washington Hilton.
It's something a prostitute might say to a congressman.
Almost two on the nose here.
In the past few days, I've begun to atone for my private failings
with my wife, Silda.
My children and my entire family. The remorse I feel will always be with me.
Como ustedes yo también quiero soluciones para nuestros grandes problemas.
Y es por eso es Como Cory Gardner.
Jeb Bush is probably in the race, the presidential race, not the Hispanic race.
That was just an accident.
And by the way, Jeb is actually an acronym for John Ellis Bush.
I guess he thought that sounded too elitist.
So he way overcompensated.
It's kind of like if Benedict Cumberbatch decided to go by skater.
Marco Rubio is running for president.
When Jeb Bush found out, he said ideas meal.
After six years in office, your approval rating is at 48%.
Not only that, your gray hair is at 85%.
Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police.
Now the news that he was raised a muslim, Barack Obama raised as a muslim.
This is huge.
President Obama's backing of the mosque appears to have skewed the perception
many Americans have of the religion he practices.
Now.
The time poll found that nearly 1 in 4 identified him as a muslim.
Remember, he said, we're not a Christian nation.
He said. America is arrogant.
He went on the apology tour.
His first major speech was on Al Arabiya TV. He gave his next two
major speeches were in Turkey and Cairo.
Remember, the NASA chief said the top priority was Muslim outreach.
The money 900 million to Hamas controlled Gaza Strip, his treatment of Benjamin
Netanyahu, his lack of outspokenness on the Iranian democracy movement,
the refusal to acknowledge the Fort Hood shooter was was a terrorist.
And we can go on and on.
Yeah, this was ridiculous as well. That strong had fun with.
And of course, Mr. President, thank you so much for taking time away
from being on Jimmy Kimmel to be here.
It's amazing to be seated with the president having this fancy dinner.
And I know this must have cost a ton of food stamps, so thank you.
I can say that, you know, because a lot of you probably don't know
this, but President Obama and I actually grew up together in Chicago.
I remember when we used to go down to the Cabrini-Green basketball courts,
I'd lace up a pair of Jordans, he'd slip on a pair of my mom's jeans, and.
We would just miss three pointers until sundown, when, of course,
we'd have to stop and pray to Mecca.
But those were simpler times.
Rand Paul has announced that he's taking over the family's not being president.
Business. And yes, that's Rand.
As in, he didn't get elected, but at least he Rand.
Now, Paul is a libertarian, which, if you're unfamiliar,
a libertarian is just a Republican that you have to block on Twitter.
Rand Paul's campaign slogan is Defeat the Washington machine.
Unleash the American Dream.
The American Dream, of course, is the model name of Rand Paul's wig.
A few quick points, but first, if you can, please do become a channel member
at YouTube.com slash Twit sports.
Just go to our homepage and click the join button and or if you
want to support the network as a whole, go to Titcomb slash join.
Additionally, if you can, please support me on my socials,
on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok.
There's one thing that I brought up a few times, and we've talked about it
when it pertains to Missouri politics
and also members of the Senate.
There is such an astounding footnote here
with the Hobby Lobby diatribe joke that
she went on, but also the serious nature
of it, which is the lawyer in that case.
We've covered this previously, but the lawyer in that case
was Missouri Senator Josh Hawley.
Now, Hawley, who is, a water carrier for special interests
including Peter Thiel and many others,
represented Hobby Lobby and then through his career was attorney general.
And now he's in the Senate. That is quite a rise, a meteoric rise
in politics, showing that he will be in
the good graces of the top 1% in order for
him to get their crumbs, which he does.
If I were to give Cecily Strong's roast, I would give it a nine out of ten.