WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYBODY PLAYING HOOKY, I'M YOUR HOST...
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, NO!
NOW YOU'RE ON CAMERA.
HMMM.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S A RAINY DAY HERE IN NEW YORK.
BEFORE THE STORM, THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE URGED NEW
YORKERS TO "TAKE IT SLOW" TODAY IF TRAVELING.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT SLOW, JUST WALK BEHIND ANY
TOURIST IN MIDTOWN: "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT UP THERE?
IT'S A BUILDING.
THEY DON'T HAVE BRICKS WHERE YOU'RE FROM?"
( LAUGHTER )
PLACE WITH WEATHER.
FROM AN ATMOSPHERIC RIVER TO TORNADOES TO TODAY'S RAIN,
EXTREME WEATHER HAS STRUCK COAST TO COAST.
SCIENTISTS AGREE THAT ALL THESE EXTREME WEATHER EVENTS ARE TIED
TO GLOBAL WARMING, WHICH IS HAPPENING WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT
OR NOT.
AND FOR THE RECORD, MANY AMERICANS CHOOSE NOT,
BECAUSE A NEW POLL SAYS 45% OF AMERICANS DON'T BELIEVE HUMANS
CAUSE CLIMATE CHANGE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE, IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S LIKE NOT BELIEVING THAT HUMANS CAUSE PANTS-POOPING:
"IT'S JUST PART THE NATURAL CYCLE OF MY KHAKIS.
( LAUGHTER )
GRANDKIDS TO DEAL WITH."
SO THE PLANET IS IN TROUBLE BUT, LUCKILY, THIS WEEKEND, WORLD
LEADERS ARE GATHERING YET AGAIN TO WEAR LANYARDS ABOUT IT AT
COP26, THE 26th UNITED NATIONS CLIMB CHANGE CONFERENCE.
26th?!
HOLY CRAP.
THIS CRISIS IS SO OLD.
IT COULD RENT A CAR.
BUT IT SHOULDN'T!
RIDE A BIKE, CLIMATE CHANGE!
NOW, THE CONFERENCE STARTS ON OCTOBER 31.
YES, IT'S...
A CLIMATE CHANGE SPOOKTACULAR!
( THUNDER CLAP )
>> Stephen: THOSE WEREN'T SPECIAL EFFECTS!
THAT WAS A STORM CAUSED BY IRREVERSIBLE CHANGES TO THE
JET-SCREAAAM!
HA-HA-HA-HA.
PRESIDENT BIDEN AND OTHER WORLD LEADERS WILL MEET TO ADDRESS THE
ONGOING CLIMATE CRISIS IN GLASGOW, SCOTLAND.
THEY'RE MEETING IN SCOTLAND?
EVEN IF THEY DO SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE, WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
( THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT )
AFTER HOURS OF HAVERIN', WE DU WELL AGREED TO REDUCE
METHANE EMISSIONS CAUSED BY FARTIN' COOS BY 2047.
GO AWAY NOW."
CLOSE, CLOSE, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BECAUSE COP26 IS TAKING PLACE IN THE U.K., WE'VE GOTTEN A PREVIEW
OF WHAT TO EXPECT FROM BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND CARTOO
( LAUGHTER )
JOHNSON.
JOHNSON DOESN'T SEEM TOO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT WHAT WORLD
LEADERS CAN ACHIEVE AT COP26, AS HE TOLD A GROUP OF CHILDREN:
>> IT'S GONNA BE VERY, VERY TOUGH, THIS SUMMIT.
AND I'M VERY WORRIED, BECAUSE IT MIGHT GO-- IT MIGHT GO WRONG.
>> Stephen: THERE'S THAT CAN-DO BRITISH SPIRIT.
( LAUGHTER )
DURING WORLD WAR II: "KEEP CALM, HITLER MIGHT WIN."
( LAUGHTER )
OUR LAST CHANCES TO MAKE BOLD COLLECTIVE ACTION TO AVERT
CLIMATE ACTION.
IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
THE LEADERS OF CHINA AND RUSSIA SAID THEY WON'T BE AT THE
SUMMIT, EVEN THOUGH CHINA AND RUSSIA PRODUCE SOME 32% OF
GLOBAL CO2 EMISSIONS.
THE BIG POLLUTERS AREN'T EVEN THERE?
THIS IS AN ALL-OR-NOTHING SITUATION.
ARBY'S MOTTO ISN'T WE HAVE "SOME" MEAT.
THERE'S ANOTHER STORM SOAKING AMERICA: IT'S CALLED INFLATION.
RIGHT NOW, SHOPPERS ARE FACING FASTER INCREASES IN PRICES FOR
CONSUMER GOODS THAN AT ANY POINT THIS CENTURY, INCLUDING GAS,
WHICH HAS JUMPED $1.22 OVER THE LAST YEAR.
TERRIBLE NEWS, BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON'T BE REPORTING IT?
THE PROPAGANDISTS OVER AT GAS GAS PUMP TV.
THEIR BIGGEST STORY IS BUY ONE, GET ONE COKE ZERO AT THE B.P.
CONVENIENCE.
HIGH PRICES ARE ALSO HITTING FOOD, THE GAS OF THE MOUTH
( LAUGHTER )
BREAKFAST IS ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE LOT MORE EXPENSIVE.
OATS ARE UP MORE THAN 80%, AND THE PRICE OF SUGAR AND LEAN HOGS
ARE UP.
WHICH MEANS RECORD PRICES FOR AMERICA'S FAVORITE CEREAL:
CINNAMON TOAST HAM.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT, THAT SOUNDS...
AND THANKS TO INFLATION, THANKSGIVING 2021 COULD BE THE
MOST EXPENSIVE MEAL IN THE HISTORY OF THE HOLIDAY.
AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.
THE FIRST THANKSGIVING COST NATIVE AMERICANS AN ENTIRE
COTINENT.
( LAUGHTER )
TABLE-- TOO SOON?
TOO SOON?
<!0> NO PART OF THE THANKSGIVING
TABLE IS SAFE.
HIGH PRICES ARE HITTING SWEET POTATOES, PIE, DINNER ROLLS, AND
EVEN THE DISPOSABLE ALUMINUM TURKEY ROASTING PAN.
NOT THE ALUMINUM ROASTING PAN!
THAT'S THE MOISTEST PART OF THE TURKEY!
( LAUGHTER )
COST MORE, IN PART BECAUSE CHINA IS LIMITING STEEL PRODUCTION TO
REDUCE CARBON EMISSIONS.
WHAT?
YOU LIED TO US, GRETA THUNBERG!
YOU TOLD US FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE BUT NEVER TOLD US THE
COST-- A WORLD WITHOUT CAN-SHAPED TOWERS OF GELATINOUS
RED SUGAR PLASMA.
AT LEAST WE CAN GET STUFF IN THE UNITED STATES.
UNLIKE THE U.K., WHICH IS CURRENTLY FACING CRIPPLING
SHORTAGES.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED:
BRITISH EDITION."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> PLEASE, SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME
ANYTHING?
>> Stephen: THE BRITS WERE ALREADY HAVING SUPPLY CHAIN
ISSUES BECAUSE OF BREXIT WHEN COVID HIT.
NOW FOOD IS SO SCARCE THAT SOME SUPERMARKETS ARE FILLING EMPTY
PRODUCE SECTIONS AND BARE STORE SHELVES WITH PICTURES OF
WHATEVER ITEMS SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THOSE SPACES.
YES, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD THAT THE TECHNICAL CHALLENGE ON
"THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW" THIS WEEK WAS PAPIER-MACHE
BROWNIES.
( LAUGHTER )
CARDBOARD GROCERIES LOOK LIKE.
HERE'S SOME ASPARAGUS.
IF YOU EAT IT, YOUR PEE SMELLS LIKE CARDBOARD.
( LAUGHTER )
CARROTS, AND EVIDENTLY, THEY ALSO RAN OUT OF PHOTOS OF
CARDBOARD CARROTS.
FUN FACT: THOSE NON-CARROTS WERE PHOTOGRAPHED AT A SUPERMARKET IN
A REAL TOWN CALLED FAKENHAM.
( LAUGHTER )
ON-THE-NOSE-INGTON AND WE'RE SCREWED-SHIRE.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE EFFORT TO PRINT ACTUAL PHOTOS OF FOOD, OPTING INSTEAD
FOR OUTLINES OF GENERIC PRODUCTS.
AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
IT COULD BE THE CHALK OUTLINE OF FOOD THAT WAS MURDERED.
BACK STATESIDE, OVER THE WEEKEND, WE LEARNED THAT THE
CAPITOL RIOT GOT PLANNING HELP FROM REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS LIKE
ALABAMA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN PAUSING MIDSPEECH TO ORDER
A ROUND OF BREADSTICKS, MO BROOKS.
"ROLLING STONE" REPORTS THAT BROOKS MET WITH "STOP THE STEAL"
ORGANIZERS PRIOR TO JANUARY 6, BUT BROOKS SAYS HE HAD NO
INVOLVEMENT IN THE RALLY UNTIL JANUARY 5, WHEN HE CLAIMS THE
WHITE HOUSE FIRST ASKED HIM TO SPEAK.
THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A DEFENSE: "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT SWEARS HE
HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BANK ROBBERY UNTIL THE
DAY BEFORE, WHEN HE WAS ASKED TO DRIVE THE GETAWAY CAR...
AND THEN OF COURSE WHEN HE DROVE THE CAR."
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT BROOKS HAD NO SENSE OF WHAT WAS COMING,
SINCE HE SPOKE AT THE RALLY WHILE WEARING BDY ARMOR.
THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP TO YOUR SURPRISE PARTY IN A FULL BALL
GOWN AND TIARA.
SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU WERE TIPPED OFF:
"OH, MY GOD!
THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY?
YOU GUUUUYS, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!!"
BROOKS WASHED HIS HANDS OF ANY INVOLVEMENT, BUT SAID HIS STAFF
MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED.
WOW!
WAY TO THROW YOUR TEAM UNDER THE CAMPAIGN BUS.
REMINDS ME OF HARRY TRUMAN'S FAMOUS PLAQUE:
"THE BUCK STOPS OVER THERE...
WHERE MY ASSISTANT SITS.
GET HER!"
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT JOKE, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, BUT
MY WRITERS MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ANOTHER ALLEGED COUP-CONSPIRATOR
IS ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE AND INVENTOR OF THE DICK-FACE
SELFIE, PAUL GOSAR.
( LAUGHTER )
ENCOURAGED THE INSURRECTION, INSTEAD CHOOSING TO POST A MEME
OF HIS HEAD PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO JAMES BOND.
IT'S APPROPRIATE.
AFTER ALL, GOSAR'S I.Q. IS 007
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S A SIMPLE ONE.
IT'S SIMPLE.
>> Jon: YEAH, THE PEOPLE LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY.
AND IF HE HELPED PLAN THE CAPITOL RIOT, HE'LL BE LUCKY TO
BE OUT ON BOND, BAIL BOND.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE PHOTOSHOPPING YOUR HEAD ONTO
DANIEL CRAIG'S BODY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THIS PICTURE.
IT'S SCIENCE!
WAIT, LET ME JUST FIX ONE THING.
OKAY, NOW IT'S PERFECT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CBS'S OWN KATIE COURIC.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪