Translator: Fitriani Indah Sari Reviewer: Hafizh Alfarisi
Have you ever been in a situation
where you think, feel, behave, or make the same decisions repeatedly,
even though you know that isn’t what you intended?
You might feel afraid of nonspecific things.
You might feel angry at something trivial.
You might be afraid of being abandoned by someone
who clearly wouldn’t abandon you.
You might constantly think of something horrible about yourself,
though the truth isn’t like that.
You might have been asking,
“Why my thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are like these?”
It brings to mind one of my experiences,
where I dreaded having to be separated from the people I love.
From my childhood until adulthood, when I have to deal with a separation,
I become scared.
And it got to the point where I even refused
to watch movies that involve any parting theme.
I remember specifically the moment when I was in deep tears.
I was frightened and it was ingrained in my mind for a long time
after I watched
Especially, the scene where Mufasa, the father lion,
is parted from his son, Simba.
This movie made me so scared and sad.
Then I wondered why I felt that.
When I was a child,
I felt uneasy when I watched
It may be normal.
But why until I become an adult,
I still feel uneasy when I’m going to watch it?
And I’ll avoid it.
So I wonder and then remember.
When I was a child, my dad, who is a pilot, often left me.
And I can clearly remember when my dad was going to fly.
I was just hiding behind the door, crying, scared, and feeling unhappy
looking at my dad who disappeared in front of me.
This moment instills fear in me whenever I see my dad going to fly.
It certainly didn’t happen once,
but it happened again and again since it’s my dad’s job.
Well, I can still feel that.
In my adulthood, every time I watch movies with parting scenes,
the pain, the sadness, the fear, and the need to avoid them,
it’s exactly what I felt when I was a child.
From this, we can see what we went through when we were a child
could be brought back into the present.
As if there is still the little me within me,
who is being carried over into the present.
The little me who is afraid of being separated from someone I love
makes me feel the same fear once I’ve become an adult.
This is what we call the “inner child”.
The inner child is a version of our little self
that exists in our adult self.
We still think, behave, sense emotions, and feel just like our little selves,
despite having the physique of an adult.
The little me learned
that a separation is something painful, scary, and miserable.
So, I had to avoid that as much as possible.
And this thought is still carried over until I’ve become an adult.
So my adult self, when I have to deal with a separation,
I always have the same feeling, thought, and behavior
as when I was a child.
This is my inner child.
What I experienced in my childhood was an unpleasant moment.
Though, I always knew that my dad didn’t mean to leave me.
He was always there for me
and I never lost love and affection from my parents.
But it still leaves a mark and even a wound
inside of the little me.
Now, what if the incident that we experienced in our childhood
was the most terrifying incident?
For example, being left forever by her parents,
being ignored, getting verbal abuse, physical abuse,
experiencing humiliation, not getting love and affection,
and even getting sexual harassment.
We might expect the scar that would be borne by the child
and the impact that would be brought into her adulthood.
How big is the impact?
Adults who easily get angry
might always suppress their anger when they were a child.
Adults who are too possessive and scared to be left
might be left by their close ones when they were a child.
Adults who are afraid of not being accepted by their surroundings
might not be accepted by their close ones when they were a child.
Adults who have low self-esteem
might get little to no validation or not be supported when they were a child
by people around them.
People who have issues with depression, anxiety, anger,
personality disorder, and others
might be deeply related to their past experiences
or childhood issues that haven’t been solved yet.
What happened in our childhood subconsciously shapes our characters,
emotions, and behaviors once when we’re adults.
Why is it like this?
When we experienced a trauma or unpleasant moment in our childhood,
it can disturb our brain development.
A traumatizing incident will change the brain.
When we are in an unpleasant moment,
the brain that is supposed to develop normally will turn
into the survival mode.
It’s a mode where our brain imprints us with the need to survive.
Since we are facing a threatening event,
the brain keeps us alert to save ourselves.
If this unpleasant moment continuously happens,
then the change in the brain will become permanent.
Until we’re adults, our brains will keep turning into survival mode.
Even though in reality, we are fine without that mode.
Our situation is supposed to be okay, but instead, we continuously feel anxious.
Then, any experience that we had in our lives as a child
will be recorded in our brains
and become the reference for our behaviors in the future.
When we were children, we couldn’t fully express what we felt.
We felt things. We could be emotional.
We experienced fear, sadness, anxiety.
Yet, we couldn’t explain what we felt through words
since our brain’s capability was still limited.
That’s the reason why many of our behaviors in our adulthood
cannot be explained.
Maybe we can imagine, as a child,
many moments that happened were not like as what we wanted
and nothing we could do.
Children don’t have the ability to change an unpleasant moment.
They’re different from adults.
They cannot stand up for themselves when they are in an unpleasant situation.
They aren’t independent enough and aren’t strong enough.
They still depend on others.
They can’t choose what will happen to their lives.
The only thing they can do is just to accept the unpleasant moment
and keep them in mind, along with all of the bad emotions.
And when it’s always suppressed, it would be retained until they’re adults.
Basically, all a child needs are just love, safety,
affection, and acceptance from the close ones or people around them.
But, all of these can’t be gained.
And when they can’t be gained,
it would change their brain’s functions—
how the child would perceive their world and how they behave in their daily lives.
They are like plants.
If we want the plant to grow normally,
the plant needs soil and water.
When the plant doesn’t get the soil and water, its growth will be disturbed.
It will be physically disturbed until it can’t grow normally.
It’s the same for humans.
If we got hurt when we were a child,
what we can do now as an adult
so the pain won’t affect our present behaviors?
We can’t change the past.
What is done cannot be undone.
Yet, we can do something in the present for the sake of our inner child,
for the little soul that exists within us.
One,
realize that what we do now—
our emotions, our thoughts, our behaviors— may be affected by our childhood.
By realizing this, it will help us to take a different action.
Two,
imagine we’re going back to the past.
What is needed by our little self that has been neglected in the past?
If what our little self needed was affection, so give it.
If what our little self needed was support, so give it.
If what our little self needed was acceptance, so accept yourself.
If what our little self needed was validation, so give it.
Our task in our adulthood
is to fulfill our inner child’s needs that were neglected,
that we can fulfill at this time, not expecting someone else to fulfill it.
Because after all, the inner child is a part of ourselves,
that only us who can sense it,
and only us who know the most what we need.
Three,
if it’s possible, overcome your childhood wounds.
Because it’s only you who can free yourself from your past.
Because, your past self and your present self are the same you.
Even though the past and the present situations are different,
you can change your world and your life perspective now.
Heal your wound gradually by involving yourself as the healer.
And take care of those wounds by giving beautiful words to the little you.
Say this to your inner child:
“I will love you,”
“I will not hate you and I will accept you,”
“I will not ignore you because you deserve to be loved.”
Say this if you still feel the lack of affection until you’re an adult.
“No matter what happened in the past, not everything is your fault.”
Say this if you still have regrets over your childhood:
“No matter what happened to me in the past, I’m still worthy.”
Say this if your childhood moments made you feel worthless
and meaningless in the present:
“When I was a child, I had no idea. I had no power.
But now, I’ve become an adult.
I am free to decide what’s the best for me.”
Say this if you’re still trapped in your past fear.
And for the last, say,
“Thank you.
Because whatever trouble I’d been through in my childhood, I’ve survived.
I’ve given all of my effort.
I’ve become a better person.
I’ve grown and strived.
I deserve to be appreciated.”
Practice these as often as possible
until your inner child doesn’t bother your present behavior and emotion anymore.
Practice it till your inner child’s wound, even still leaving scars,
doesn’t hurt you anymore.
It may turn out to be a blessing and a precious wisdom.
Yet, if you find it hard to deal with,
your childhood might be really painful for you to overcome alone.
Maybe, it’s difficult to process your childhood.
Because it’s so terrifying, you decide to keep them all by yourself.
If so, don’t be afraid to ask for a professional help.
Because you are important.
And because you’re important,
your past and present are also important to deal with immediately.
I’m Tara de Thouars.
Thank you.