If you were keeping up with the news today,
you probably know that it was, uh, more chaotic
than Free Cocaine Day at Dave & Buster's.
And, personally, I'm disappointed,
because we had a whole show planned,
and it was gonna be a great show.
You know? We figured out who killed Jeffrey Epstein,
but we had to throw it all out the window
because there was so much breaking news,
too much news, in fact.
Luckily, though, too much news is just the right amount of news
for a segment we call Ain't Nobody Got Time for That.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
If you're friends with a government ethics expert
and you're wondering why their head randomly exploded
into little pieces today,
it's probably because they saw this.
President Trump is hosting a major meeting of world leaders
next year at his Miami area resort and golf property.
Next year's G7 summit will take place
at the Trump National Doral in Miami.
The move is raising questions about whether hosting
this large event at one of the president's businesses
is a violation of ethics rules.
Wow. That is crazy.
The president is making world leaders hold a giant event
at his own resort?
Like, it really seems like there's nothing
Trump wouldn't do to profit off the presidency.
Like, I bet you he's gonna be outside
his own impeachment trial, just scalping tickets.
He's gonna be standing outside there.
He's like, "Tickets, tickets.
"Who needs tickets to my impeachment?
"You want some tickets? Best seats in the house.
Come on, y'all. Right next to me."
And also, if I was a world leader,
I wouldn't want to stay at Trump's resort.
I don't trust him. I don't trust him.
Like, Trump would probably sneak into your room
to try and find dirt on Joe Biden. Yeah.
He'd just be, like, at the door, like, "Housekeeping!
"Oh, did someone leave these files on the floor?
I'll get rid of it for you! Basura. Basura."
(laughter)
Now, on a normal day in a normal presidency,
we would spend all our time talking about how shady it is
that Trump is forcing world leaders to host the G-7 Summit
at his golf club that he makes money from,
especially considering how he always brags
about how he doesn't profit from the presidency.
But today's not a normal day,
and this is not a normal presidency,
because while he's inviting foreign leaders
to his Miami golf club,
American leaders are storming out of the White House.
MAN: Shortly after a House vote
where more than 100 Republicans joined Democrats
condemning the president's
abrupt withdrawal of U.S. troops from Syria,
a heated confrontation inside the White House.
That clash between President Trump and top Democrats
spilling out onto the steps of the West Wing.
I pray for the president all the time.
I think now we have to pray for his health,
because this was a very serious meltdown
on the part of the president.
MAN: President Trump hitting back, accusing Democrats
of storming out, using the same language
as Pelosi against her, tweeting,
"She had a total meltdown in the White House today.
"It was very sad to watch. Pray for her.
She is a very sick person."
-(audience groans) -Aah.
Okay. I know you are, but what am I?
(laughter)
I like how when Trump is insulted,
he just steals that insult verbatim with zero shame.
Like, maybe this is how you trick him
into getting out of the White House.
You just be like, "I'm sick of you! I resign."
"No, I'm sick of you. I resign.
Aah! Damn it. No. Wait, wait, wait."
(applause and cheering)
Also... also, it's funny how they're fighting,
but they both say they're gonna pray for each other.
You know what they remind me of?
They remind me of those old church ladies
who act really nice in public,
but then, pray-insult each other.
They'll be like, "Dear Lord, please give me the strength
"not to whack this fool up side the head.
"And if I did, Jesus, please give this woman some sense
before I whip her ass like the father she never had!"
(laughter)
Now when the day started, it seemed like
we were gonna spend all our time talking about the beef
between Trump and the Democrats, but we didn't have time
to talk about the beef,
because then news broke about the Turkey.
MAN: Breaking news in Turkey.
The United States says it has helped
to broker a five-day cease-fire
involving Turkish forces in Northern Syria.
Vice President Mike Pence making that announcement today
after meeting with Turkish president Recep Erdogan.
MAN 2: Today in Texas, President Trump called the cease-fire,
"an amazing outcome."
The Kurds are very happy, Turkey is very happy,
the United States is very happy.
And you know what?
Civilization is very happy.
It's a great thing for civilization.
Yes, civilization is very happy.
Centuries from now, historians will look back
at the greatest achievements of all time--
the development of democracy, the invention of electricity
and the time Trump negotiated a really short cease-fire
in a war that he basically started.
Ah, yes, what a great achievement!
(applause and cheering)
It's civilization.
And you know what? If we had the time,
we would be discussing how disingenuous it is of Trump
to claim that this is a peace deal
when, in fact, the Kurds just got screwed over,
because the deal is that they have five days
to leave the land, and then Turkey gets the land.
That's the deal. Yeah. Doesn't sound like a deal.
Sounds like the kind of deal I had with my high school bully.
I would give him my lunch money,
and he would give me a black eye.
Win, win. Yeah.
But unfortunately, we don't have the time to talk about that.
Because while Turkey is getting the Kurds out of Syria,
the Democrats are trying to get Trump out of the White House.
And today, the latest witness in the impeachment inquiry
was dropping bombs like he was invading the Middle East.
In the impeachment inquiry, Gordon Sondland
is a key witness.
In his opening statement, he said
President Trump told U.S. officials to talk directly
to his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani
about U.S. policy in Ukraine.
And he said he didn't know until later
that Giuliani's agenda included
pushing Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden.
And he says that throughout this time,
he was working to-to get Ukraine
to advance an investigation into corruption, into Burisma.
He had no idea that that meant Joe Biden.
He had no idea that that meant Hunter Biden.
(laughing): Oh.
Oh, this is slick from Sondland.
He's now saying that he did put pressure on Ukraine,
but he didn't know it had anything to do with Joe Biden.
You see what he's doing.
He's trying to distance himself from what Trump did.
Yeah, he's basically like,
"I didn't know it was a bank robbery, guys.
"I just went in with my friends, I gave the bank teller a note,
and they gave me the money."
It's like, "Really? You didn't know it was a robbery?
Then why were you wearing a mask?"
"I just thought we were all cold!
I thought we were all cold!"
I honestly wish we had more time
to go through Ambassador Sondland's full testimony,
because he had a lot to say.
But Mick Mulvaney, Trump's chief of staff,
and Excel spreadsheet came to life-- he came out,
and he held a surprise press conference,
and shocked everyone in the room.
We're following breaking news.
A truly stunning admission from the White House.
Acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney
directly contradicting President Trump
on a quid pro quo with Ukraine,
saying hundreds of millions of dollars
in U.S. military aid was tied
to an investigation of Democrats in the 2016 election.
MAN: So the demand for an investigation into the Democrats
-was part of the reason that he ordered... -It was on the...
...to withhold funding to Ukraine?
The-the look back to what happened in 2016
certainly was-was part of the thing
that he was worried about in corruption with that nation.
-And that is absolutely appropriate. -Withholding the...
MAN: What you just described is a quid pro quo.
We do that all the time with foreign policy.
And I have news for everybody. Get over it.
There's going to be political influence in foreign policy.
Okay, hold up. Hold up.
Trump has said on multiple occasions,
"No quid pro quo of any kind."
Now, middle-aged Harry Potter is coming out saying
that there was a certain type of quid pro quo,
but everyone must get over it?
That's it? Just get over it? Everybody does it?
So this is, what-- locker room corruption?
Is that what this is?
And I'm not gonna lie. This is a twist I didn't see coming.
Yeah. It's like the murder suspect in a Law & Order episode
confessing in the middle of the...
just, like, in the middle of the scene.
Just being like, "Yeah, I committed the double homicide,
"but the real question here is,
"are you gonna be a little bitch about it? Huh?
"The person is dead. Ain't nothing gonna change.
Now we gonna eat them or not? What are we doing?"
(applause)
So in 24 hours, in 24 hours,
we had Trump hosting the G-7 at his golf club,
Turkey getting the greatest deal of all time,
no quid pro quo, but also quid pro quo,
a showdown in the White House,
and we but didn't even have time to tell you
that Rick Perry, who is tied to the whole Ukraine scandal,
abruptly resigned today. And you know what?
This might be the true genius of Donald Trump.
'Cause you realize with one scandal,
you get kicked out of office.
But with seven in one day...
ain't nobody got time for that.