Watching movies with your parents can be a real treat.
For example, you get to explain the plot to them over and over in a quiet movie theatre.
And you get to experience the eternity it takes for them to consume a small popcorn.
A fair warning to all family night movie-goers though: Choose your film wisely, or else the
sound of them popping the tab on a canned soda Dad brought in his fanny pack won't be
the only thing making you facepalm.
And if you thought you were safe at home, you're wrong.
Here's a list of titles to avoid unless you were a huge fan of that birds-and-bees talk
from sixth grade.
Basic Instinct
This classic thriller from 1992 stars Michael Douglas as a detective and Sharon Stone as
the femme fatale he's caught in a dangerous affair with, despite her involvement with
a grisly investigation.
That may sound like a pretty innocent plot - criminal elements notwithstanding - but
Basic Instinct is anything but family friendly.
These two don't exactly keep it professional, providing more than a few scenes you'll want
to avoid.
And if you know anything about pop culture, you've at least heard of THAT scene.
"What moment would that be?"
"It's towards the-"
"I'm uncertain what moment we're talking about!"
Stone's preference for going commando will have your parents blushing - and you scrambling
for the fast-forward button.
Showgirls
Set in Las Vegas in the world of revues, 1995's Showgirls stars Elizabeth Berkley
- A.K.A.
Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell.
You remember Jessie, right?
She was the super smart, super outspoken, one-time-caffeine-pill addict of Bayside High.
Here's your first and final warning: Don't let her presence - or your Mom's excitement
about co-star heart-throb Kyle MacLachlan - fool you.
Don't press play.
In fact, don't even show them the cover art.
Just let them remember Jessie Spano from the good times.
"I'm so excited!
I'm so…
Scared!"
Uhh, yeah, we said the good times.
Yeesh.
Boogie Nights
Director Paul Thomas Anderson's masterful epic about the adult film industry, Boogie
Nights is an independent film classic.
Your Film Theory 101 professor will tell you it's a modern masterpiece, fondly recalling
everything from the soundtrack, to the cinematography, to the stand-out performances.
It boasts a star-studded cast populated by every A-lister you can think of, from Mark
Wahlberg to Julianne Moore, to William H. Macy, to Burt Reynolds - just to name a few.
And these big names delivered career-defining performances that set a gold standard for
drama.
Unfortunately, your parents will probably walk away from the film with just one thing
to say: "Where's Smokey?
And why'd the Bandit give up his life of crime and start making dirty movies?"
"Ha-ha!"
Gone Girl
Based on the popularity of the novel, there's a good chance your Mom actually read Gillian
Flynn's Gone Girl and was eagerly waiting for its film adaptation.
Regardless of how you feel, she's seeing this thing, so if it's her Mother's Day request,
or you're snowed in and already caught up on your latest Netflix binge, here is how
you survive this.
Scout ahead.
Know what's coming.
When three key scenes come on - and you'll know immediately when they're happening - clutch
your stomach and run to the bathroom.
Give yourself 4-6 minutes, sprinkle some water on your brow, and when you come back tell
her you're done with Chipotle for a while.
You don't have to be an Amy Dunne type genius/psychopath to pull that one off.
Porky's
We're not really sure what kind of weirdly-themed movie night you'd be having at your house
in which screening the raunchy '80s classic Porky's would be appropriate.
But on the off-chance your Mom buys it on demand, assuming it's a lighthearted family
comedy with a pig mascot, be warned.
This movie features high school kids in some less-than-G-rated situations.
"Unfortunately, we can only show you the outside of Porky's.
Because what goes on inside, is not to be believed!"
Like what, you might ask?
Like attempting to hire a pro to lose their virginity.
And like spying on girls in the shower.
And last - but sooo far from least - like listening to two of their gym teachers making
such loud, ahem, "mating calls" that they could have been heard from outer space.
Hey, kids - remember that bathroom/Chipotle plan?
You know the drill.
Antichrist
"And now for something completely different."
[Explosion.]
As a general rule, anything from controversial director Lars von Trier is likely going to
be off the table for family viewing.
And not just off the table but completely out of the house so that it never soils your
innocent home ever again!
But if we had to pick one from his repertoire that you should steer your unsuspecting parents
away from, it would have to be his 2009 horror film, Antichrist.
Starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg as a couple using seclusion to cope with the
death of their child, Antichrist goes from awkward to outright traumatizing with scenes
of violence so graphic they'd make even the most die-hard slasher-flick fans lose their
lunch.
Remember how your parents taught you never to run with scissors?
Well, there are a few more things you should never do with them - and Antichrist demonstrates
that.
Graphically.
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